Glimpses of Me

Future Me: Make time for silliness

2012-01-20T20:58:00.001-07:00

Is anyone else pinching themselves that it's 2012 already? I just still can't believe it. And, yet, I can. Time flies when you're having fun ... right?

Life is fun. Right? I think so.

I love finding the fun in the routine of life. I think it's pretty great to find the silly in the middle of the normal. Having a toddler sure does make this task easier, that's for sure. It's super easy to discover wackiness in the midst of unanswered emails, dirty floors, crusty dishes, wrinkled laundry, and endless errands when Joshua's around.

I hope I never turn into one of those moms who snaps at her child's silliness. I never want to silence the giggles, or ignore the flirtatious glances of my son. I hope I always give the moments, take the time, pause and partake in the quirky randomness of my Joshua Nelson.

He's just so darn funny!

I seriously never knew that a one year old could have so much personality! The eyebrows, the eyes, the cheeks, the lips, the expressions this child can display surprise me daily.

The flash dance moments, the intense interest in ever changing things, the flawless innocence of one who has yet to be scarred by this world ... the clingy moments, the "I do it!" moments, the discovery moments, the new words, the unintelligible conversations, the moments of surprise and wonder ... these are the things I hope I never ignore. I hope I'm never too busy for.

I hope I never push him aside, too focused on my task to give just a moment for silliness, quirkiness, discovery and wonder.

Number 200

2011-12-25T18:58:00.000-07:00

All day, I've felt the need/urge to blog. I've been saving it all up.

Then I logged on and noticed that this blog, this will be my 200th post.

Suddenly I'm nervous.

This was going to just be one of those catch-all, free-flow posts, culminating in some pithy, hopefully meaningful point, possibly about Christmas, most likely about motherhood or things like that.

But now I realize it's my 200th post. Is that like, monumental? I'm not sure ... so I'll just move forward as planned.

Carving ham is fairly gross. My brother concurs. The noises are disgusting. Good thing the ham is tasty.

I've always slightly prided myself on not having fancy china. I mostly have an ecclectic assortment of POM bottles and glasses from Goodwill (why buy new when people give stuff away?!), blandly colored dinner plates, and mismatched silverware. Today was the first time in my life I wished for china. And this first time coincided with my first time serving Christmas dinner all by myself, in my own home. I found myself wanting special plates. It's a strange thing, feeling a "need" for prettier plates, just to serve fairly normal food. Any yet, I wanted my table to look fancier. Why? I don't really know... the meal wasn't that impressive, Joshua still wouldn't eat it, we ate in the normal amount of time, and I still spent forever cleaning up. (in fact there are to pots and a pan waiting for me still.) Would it have made a difference if my plates had matching ivy on them? I guess I'll never know, since I don't foresee buying china anytime soon. Oo--maybe I should check Goodwill ....

I'm reading Donald Miller's A Million Miles in A Thousand Years. Don't ask me what took me so long to read it ... I can't really say. Except for I usually choose crashing on the couch or zoning on Facebook before I choose reading lately. Wonder what that says about my story .... if you haven't read the book, it's great. And as I sat and read the book tonight, the book about living a better story, I paused and took stock.

My son was watching "Elmo's World" on Sesame Street. I was reading right next to him. He turned at one point and said, 'Color!' This was just as the "Elmo's World" intro was on, and the "color" is all over the screen. I just said, "Yep! Elmo's coloring!" and went back to my book. And Josh went back to watching TV.

And then I realized something ... I was reading the part in the book where Miller talks about actually living a better story. Actually doing it--not just reading about it, thinking about it, dreaming about it ... but doing it. And I realized I'd just, in essence, denied my child the chance to actually color, and instead basically told him to watch a puppet color in some world on the big screen.

How sad is that?

So I put down my book on living a better story, and I went about living it. I pulled out Joshua's "woo whoos" (trains) and started making all the appropriate sounds. I flipped open his favorite cell phone, recorded my voice, and enticed him with that. He pulled himself away from the big screen world and joined his mommy in the real one.

And we played.

Then we moved up to his room (and I confess, I brought my book, but only because I knew precisely what would happen.) We entered his room, and he excitedly said, "Rock!" and proceeded to climb onto his glider (which is actually quite hysterical to watch him accomplish) and read his favorite book.

I slid down the wall, in between his new kitchen set and the end of his crib, and read my book. We read books together. And he'd come over and feed me plastic pie, and miscolored, oddly shaped noodles, and he'd climb back onto his chair with a new book. We'd read quietly for a while, and then he'd pull at the last page of the book--he always wishes there was more--and looked at me as if I could instantly create more pages. He, at one point, climbed off the glider, and came quite quickly over to me. I thought he wanted to sit on my lap, so I closed my book, losing my page, and pulled him in. He wiggled with so much opinion, I realized that's not what he wanted. I realized he wanted to sit by me and read his book. With his back against the wall, next to the kitchen set at the end of the crib.

I love how impressionable he is right now! He loves rocking and reading. But because Mommy was reading against the wall in the corner, he needed to as well.

We read, and danced, and ate plastic food together. Finally I realized it was bed time. So I talked him into letting me change his diaper, coaxed him into a sleeper, let him "brush" his teeth with his Thomas the Train spin brush (there's no brushing happening--just button pushing and lots of water dripping), and washed his little face.

Then, since I'm no longer allowed to read and rock, I sat on the footstool while he sat on his glider-throne, and I read him a book upside down. Good thing I memorized it long ago from reading it so much. I got to the part about when Jesus was born, and I looked into my 20 month old son's eyes and told him the story of how Jesus invaded our world, and helps us live a better story. He giggled and said, "Je--us Je-us!" (one of his three new words today), and I got tears in my eyes.

Because even though I let my kid watch some TV, and even though I struggle with playing the martyr as the wife and mother in this home, and even though I lose my patience, and battle selfishness, and always think I could be doing better and doing more, I think I'm living a pretty good story. I am the mother of Joshua, and that, my friends, is a role I would never pass up.

So I guess this 200th blog turned into a little bit of a catchall, but mostly a motherhood, hopefully meaningful muse mostly about me and a little about my first Christmas on "my own".

Oh, and the other two words Joshua decided to say today were "Cardo" (his soon to be uncle) and "Eva" (his cousin, my sister's dog).

Does he say "Mommy" yet? Nope. But that just makes this story all the better.

And he did finally let me rock him ... in the dark, I sang him our favorite songs while he clutched his favorite book. We prayed to "Je-us" and I smiled. I love my story.

I Don't Want to Want It

2011-12-14T22:25:00.000-07:00

"I just really don't want to want it again, until I get it, and then I want to want it fully. Make sense?"

I muttered this to my husband as we both attempted to drift to sleep, each battling our own never ending colds and rarely silent thoughts. Fortunately (or unfortunately) he totally understood what I meant.

It's starting. Well, really, it started to start in October, but now it's really starting.

The baby itch.

Sigh. I'm so not ready for this ....

I got great news from two good friends yesterday. One friend is having a girl, and the other is newly pregnant. I'm so excited for them both! And then it hit me .... I want to announce a pregnancy. But I don't want to start the process that is most likely inevitably our path to conception and pregnancy. I don't want to chart, I don't want to give myself shots, I don't want to "try" and "try" and "try" .... I don't want to want it, until I get it, and then I want to want it fully.

Make sense?

I'd like another child ... perhaps even another after that. But the memory that is not far from my mind and my heart of the yearning and longing and painful waiting makes my stomach twist in knots. The fear of more miscarriages, later term miscarriages, gobs and gobs of money, days and days of charting ... it's almost enough to make me not want to try.

The thought of wanting to be pregnant, longing for it, yearning for it--it drains me. It scares me.

I don't want to want it until I get it. If only we had the luxury of an "oops".

As I told a good friend this morning, our journey to Joshua has touched so many others who have had similar struggles. I guess I can get behind another tough journey if it means we can touch more lives. But sometimes, often times, in my most genuine moments, I just want to be "that woman" who gets pregnant just by looking at her husband and carries easily to term. Sometimes, often times, I don't want to be "that woman" who God works through in her pain and sadness to minister to others.

Of course, though, if this is our path--to struggle in this life to conceive our children and use that pain to touch others--then we are honored that God would redeem our pain, redeem our sadness, redeem our struggle for His good purpose.

It'd just be really great to not want it until we got it, but I'm guessing that's not how this is going to go .... So, let's get on with it!

this is my life

2011-12-08T17:18:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about my life today, and I've decided it's decidedly unique.

I get to spend a whole lot of time with my child, and a whole lot of time with my husband.

Other than some work hours (that I stick to pretty well), I'm free as a bird for much of my week.

One day I can be meal planning and grocery shopping with Joshua, and the next day I'm "jet setting" across the country, landing in a hotel in downtown Des Moines.

I can be sick on the couch on Monday, and running a high energy training session for rural hospital employees on Friday.

I can be master primer/painter/furniture rearranger one moment, and pastor's wife, ministering via text the next moment.

I spend 20% of my time in casual jeans and a comfortable top, 75% of my time in workout clothes and/or pajamas, and 5% of my time in one of two Limited suits.

I can be marketing guru one minute, sales person extraordinaire the next minute, corporate trainer the next, toddler educator the next, and laundry specialist amidst it all.

I'm always a wife, always a mommy, always a Christian, always a daughter, and every once in a while, a professional speaker.

I spend random amounts of time with strangers--in cabs, on airplanes, at hotel restaurants waiting for my food, in shuttles, trains, trams, vans and buses.

I drop my son off at daycare, and 4 hours later, I'm in another state, on my own for 48 hours while the hubby, who is amazing by the way, holds down the fort at home.

I have seasons of crazy busy-ness, and seasons where it appears I don't work much at all.

The balancing act of a working mom is a strange one--especially a working mom with such disparity in her schedule.

From PJs to Limited suits, from emailing from my kitchen to working from the Hyatt. From multi-tasking mommy to corporate trainer lady, from choo choo train conductor to curriculum designer ...

this is my life.

Love it.

Stationery card

2011-12-02T21:50:00.001-07:00

Every Month Christmas Card

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View the entire collection of cards.

Nothing Like a One Year Old ...

2011-11-30T20:47:00.000-07:00

... to keep you up all night and still cause you to wake with a smile

... to throw multiple curve balls at your plans for the day

... to remind you of the simple joys in life, such as throwing Cheerios

... to help you find the fun in doing laundry and sorting old clothes

... to force you to get outside and realize it's not so cold after all

... to keep your pride in check

... to break your selfish spirit and get you to be more selfless

... to get you to "dance dance dance" to no music at all, just because

... to make sure the neighbors know you are not a perfect, have-it-all-together mommy

... to abolish all ideals of a well rounded diet

... to cherish your alone time

... to break your heart (in a good way) with the new found skill of unsolicited hugs and kisses

... to challenge the heck out of you with violent, unashamed tantrums over .... everything

... to make the Christmas tree look funny, since all the ornaments have to be high out of reach

... to improve your marriage (by necessity ... do, or die. Literally.)

... to bring the perfect amount of wonder and awe to normal every day experiences

... to provide a wonderful purpose for getting up in the morning ... with a huge mug of coffee

Nothing like a Joshua Nelson Lindeen to make me sigh, yawn, shake my head, and smile hugely, all at the same time.

How'd I miss that?

2011-11-15T08:07:00.001-07:00

We've all heard about peace. The peace that passes understanding, the peace of Christ, wonderful glorious peace in the midst of any and all circumstances.

Have you, like me, ever had a hard time finding and sustaining said peace?

I've read this verse a hundred times (I almost said a thousand, but that would be exaggerating. But a hundred ... well, it's possible. Perhaps more like 63 but that doesn't flow as well.)

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. John 16:33

I'm one of those Christians who struggles to read the Word, simply because I feel like every passage I read, I've read before. It's hard for me to take the time and mental energy to discover what is fresh, alive and active in the pages of God's Word. It's a struggle I know many long term believers face; I am no different.

So today I sat down to check my devotions off my list; but even with my slightly religious heart, doing it pretty much just to say I did it, the Spirit blessed me with a small revelation.

How could I have never noticed this before? Well, I probably never took the time, because I read quickly, feeling like I've heard it all before.

Let's look at that verse again:

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. John 16:33

What?! How could I have never noticed this before? I immediately wanted to blame it on my NIV translation. I spent my whole life in the NIV and only recently, in order to attempt to find fresh stimulation from the Word, switched to the ESV. So I pulled up the NIV version ... What?! It says it too? So I pulled up the NLT .... same thing. So I pulled up the Message ... well, we all know it's not the same thing, but still a pretty cool translation:

... I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world.

So, it wasn't the translation ... it wasn't that I've never read the verse ... it wasn't that I've never studied it (I mean, for goodness sakes, I took a whole class on John in college.)

Here's what it was: I'd forgotten. I'd forgotten the importance of each and every part of each and every verse in the Bible. I'd forgotten how important it is to read and read and read again, but although I may have at one time noticed this phrase "in me" and the implications of it .... I had forgotten.

How can I be "in Him" in the midst of a tired morning, diaper changing tantrums, tense moments in business and family, lonely moments in a new city, phases of indecision and self doubt, long afternoons, and sleepless nights if I'm not reading? Sitting? Listening? Praying? How can I be "in Him" if I think I've heard it all before, and I sit to do devotions simply so I can say I did them?

Being "in Him" is a whole lot more. And that is where I will find unshakable assurance of His deep peace.

Dear Joshua: I love how you love your Daddy ....

2011-11-14T18:49:00.000-07:00

But maybe you could choose a word for Mommy?

It's pretty funny when I arrive to pick you up from the kids' room at the Y and you see me, delightedly smile, and shout, "Daddy!!!"

It's super adorable that when Daddy is out of the house you wander around looking for him, calling, "Daddyyy? Dadddyyy?"

And it's also super cute that when I take a shower, or open the garage door, or turn on lights in the music room, you say, "Daddyyy?" as if you expect him to be in those places.

It's definitely pretty sweet when I lay you down to sleep, all cuddled up in the quilt your Grammie made for your Daddy years ago, after singing and giggling with me in the most precious way for 20 minutes, you sigh softly, flutter your eyes, and say, "Daddy?"

It's all super funny, adorable, cute and sweet .... but I sure would love to hear you say Mommy!

To my sweet little boy, I love you. You can call me Daddy for the rest of your life, as long as you love me forever, and always let me love you.

Kisses little one ... Mommy who is often called Daddy loves you so much.

Facebook Updates

2011-11-01T19:54:00.001-06:00

I had a number of Facebook statuses running through my head today that I never got to.

I'd rather not sit and fill up everyone's wall with my random thoughts from the day, so I figured I'd blog it. I should blog more anyway. You know what I found when I gave up Facebook for Lent? I blogged more. Because instead of little one-liner snippets on Facebook, I combined all my daily thoughts for a blog. Perhaps more useful in life ... perhaps not. Maybe it's just interesting, but whatever. I digress.

Random updates from today that I didn't get around to typing out on Facebook:

I sure wish Joshua would learn to say "mommy." I mean, it's super cute that he calls for "Daddeeee" all day, but sheesh, come on kiddo, I'm right here!

Welcome back, T-zone skin. I sure didn't miss you when I lived in perfect world AKA Colorado.

A little boy (6 y/o) at the park asked me if Joshua was my baby. When I said yes, he said "How old ARE you?" as his 4 1/2 year old sister simultaneously said, "I thought you were the babysitter ...." NICE.

Open gym night at the Y was a GREAT idea! Credit--me. :)

I decided today was the day, of all days, to make Joshua eat his dinner. We had to try three times, with many tears, and even a time out (which he still doesn't understand ...) And at the end of the day, he ate a few bites of his hot dog. My reward? A sleepy baby boy who smells of hot dogs. Kinda gross. But pretty sweet. 

Holding a 1 1/2 year old into place in timeout while gripping the timer and watching him frantically sign "All done" is rather depressing. The job of a mommy ....

How important is a good conversation with a great friend? Super. Super important.

The 4 1/2 year old girl at the park asked me when my baby is going to grow up. I told her he does a little bit every day. As she ran home for dinner, she said it was nice to meet me and she hopes my baby grows up soon.

Josh watches the Ezra Church video at least 6 times a day. Before it even ends, he's signing, "More! More!" and today he figured out that he doesn't need Mommy. He just hits space bar and it plays again. And again. and againandagainandagain......

I keep wishing I had more restraint and discipline with finances. I do this often--get all geared up to be better about watching spending .... and then I realize I don't know how. Same with eating right .... blah. 

Working out is fun. I should do it more often. So is baking. And dancing with my son. And laying in the grass. And laughing with my husband .... why don't I do these things more often?

Yesterday, I did my devotions in the bathroom. Cuz there is where I found a minute of peace while Joshua played with the bubbles in the tub. God understands ....

I could go on .... aren't you glad I didn't put all this on Facebook to fill up your wall? :)

Blogging ...

2011-10-31T20:34:00.000-06:00

I love my life.

Joshua is such a joy, my husband is such a servant and leader, and I love Fall.

It's strange to live in this new place, and not really know anyone, but it has been good for us--good for me.

Instead of running off to hang out with teens, meet with a friend, or crash at my parents' place, I have to--get to--learn to do life all by myself. Be a mom, all by myself. Get through day-to-day life with an 18 month old, all by myself.

And what I'm learning, is that I don't have to "get through" or "deal"--it's great! I love it! Yeah, it's tough discerning what's best for him all day long, and it's hard sometimes to lay down my own desires minute after minute, but it's so exhilarating to realize that I CAN do this. I can be a Mom, I can keep a house (keep it perfect? No. Keep it liveable and happy? Yes.) I can work, I can enjoy, I can live in this new place, with my husband, with my son, all by myself.

Lessons Learned Today

2011-10-19T18:12:00.001-06:00

1. Never ever. ever. ever ever ever ever trust an airline when they tell you your checked bag will arrive with you at your new destination after they've cancelled your flight and rebooked you on a different airline. NEVER.

2. Stop sharing so many kisses, apples, spoonfuls, and straws with your son. He is ALWAYS carrying germs. Always.

3. Sickness will hit you when you travel. Period.

4. Don't travel for business to Dallas during the state fair. So. Many. People. .......

5. No matter how much extra space they take, how much extra effort it is, always ALWAYS keep your laptop charging cord, your iPhone charging cord, and your training materials with you when traveling. Refer to lesson #1 for reference.

6. Learn to be more assertive and less push-overy with airline representatives.

7. Always carry a snack. I thought I'd learned this when pregnant, but apparently I forgot it.

8. Laptop bags without straps are sinful.

9. Somehow I will always choose to recommit to lunges and squats the day before traveling. Making the traveling day a very very sore one for me.

10. My Dad always comes through. Always.

11. Downtown hotels may be cooler, but they are further away from amenities. Like, department stores and Apple stores and copier stores .... see lesson 1 and 5 for reference.

12. Travel in business clothes. Not jeans, sneakers, an old shirt and light weight sweater. Now I understand why business people travel in their clothes--so when the airlines lose their bag, they can still go to work in the morning.

Real business people don't check their bags. Oh--right. I forgot.

Real business people also don't travel with their 18 month old.

Real business people don't have the pleasure of routing themselves through Denver to hug their parents and drop off the 18 month old on their way to work in Dallas.

Real business people don't have the heartwarming experience of watching their son jump and run/waddle toward his Grandpa and Grandma with a huge grin on his face while routing themselves through Denver on their way to work in Dallas.

So .... I guess the problem started today when I took off my business person hat and put on my mommy hat and packed according to being a mommy not a business person .... and then United cancelled my flight to Dallas Love Field, and rebooked me on American to Dallas/Fort Worth and didn't send my one lonely checked bag ....

All because I didn't want to carry an extra bag along with the 18 month old, the diaper bag, the stroller and the Elmo backpack full of books and snacks.

Am I worried about my 9am training session tomorrow, for which I need handouts, business attire, make up, hair products, and heels? Nah--there's a Target 1.7 miles away. I'll manage.

So, biggest lesson of all? Hmm .... sometimes, you just have a perfect storm of poor decisions, cancelled flights, and snotty noses.Oh--and never ever ever ever EVER trust an airline with the materials and clothing that you need at 9am the next day. EVER.

I'm a MOP ... What?

2011-10-12T21:42:00.001-06:00

I just spent a little under an hour coloring. Don't get me wrong--I LOVE coloring. I just don't spend a lot of time doing it anymore. What got me coloring you ask? MOPS.

I have a funny history with MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers). My Mom was a Mentor Mom (a woman with children out of the preschool age who attends MOPS to offer wisdom) for a while, and I respected her involvement in it, but declared it would never be for me. I don't do crafts. I don't love to cut coupons. I didn't think I'd need to talk (so much) about my child ... My friend Becky practically forced me to join MOPS as a way to meet people and get out of the house in my new town.

It was a good decision.

Tonight, I colored. (Making matching games for Joshua!) And because of MOPS, Joshua and I played with wagon wheel pasta today. And I just sat back, laughed at my son, made funny noises, and enjoyed the "process". I enjoyed the process of play, the process of bonding, the process of teaching, the process of ... cleaning ... :)

Look at him developing fine motor skills!

Yay for pre-math skills! :)

What a helper ... Loving the process!

Thanks MOPS for equipping this MOP with fun activities--something OTHER than "keep the technology away from the baby..." :)

(this is the point in the process when I realized we were nearing the close of this fine activity....)

Dear Joshua: You're Hilarious

2011-10-06T07:09:00.000-06:00

Dear Joshua,

Thank you for being so funny! Your silly grins, crazy antics and tiny little sense of humor completely and totally make up for the tantrums you've discovered, the loud opinions you love to voice and the never ending messy diapers and food fights.

Thank you for loving me so much! My mommy-heart swells when you grin so huge when you see me, and I can hardly stand how much you love your father. The recognition and genuine love I see on your face when you see us, the crazy amount of time you want to spend with us ... I'm soaking it all up because I know it will morph and change. But for right now, all you want is mama and dada and I LOVE IT.

Thank you for being so active! Sometimes I feel like a horrible mommy because we watch cartoons, but then I realize you're dancing, and twirling, and running and jumping--and that's all just while watching some T.V.! Then we go to the park, and the other park, and the other park, and the backyard and the mailbox, and pretty soon, I'm just worn out.

Thank you for learning sign language! Without "more," "please," "all done," and "thank you," Mommy would be going INSANE! Please now learn some more words, OK? To start, how about "Mama"? Because it's really funny when you point right at me and say, "Dada" but actually not so much. :)

Love you Joshua, you're the best ever!

The New Girl

2011-09-20T20:31:00.000-06:00

I'm the New Girl ... and nobody knows.

It's weird really. When I've been the New Girl in the past, people knew.

When I switched schools after first grade, people knew.
When I entered a Christian school in January of 4th grade, people knew.
When I started at public high school after being in private school forever, people knew.
When I switched high schools (and states) in the middle of 9th grade, people knew.
When I started at college, well, we were all new, so, people knew.
When I got married and moved to a new town in CO and started a new job, people knew.
When I had to switch churches because, well, that's what happens to a pastor's wife when her husband gets a new job, people knew.

But now, no one knows. I go to the mall, and I sit alone while Josh runs crazy at the play place. I see ladies and their friends arrive, stroller by stroller with their kiddos, content to sit and chit-chat while their children play.

I go to parks and crawl around with Joshua while other moms have their playdates or cell phone calls, all the while wishing they'd move past that polite smile and ask me my name and where I'm from.

I walked around Target today, and got kind of annoyed with myself because every woman who looked 25-30ish, who wore a wedding band and had 1 or 0 children was a potential friend to me. It's like they had "Possible Friendship" written on their foreheads. Which is truly a great approach to life, but seriously, what am I supposed to do? In a Target? With a cart? Stop and say, "Hi! I think we could be friends. Wanna give it a try?"

It's so weird, being the New Girl. No one knows I'm the New Girl, and I'm not quite sure how to break in! I'm seriously going to start approaching people, groups of ladies (and we all know how intimidating that is) and saying, "Hi! I'm new. I need friends. Will you be my friend?" and see how it goes.

I've been the New Girl a lot in my life. Less than some, but more than others. But this time is definitely weird, because no one knows!

Tattoos and My One Year Old

2011-09-10T09:11:00.000-06:00

How do you start a new church?

You tell people about it.

Sounds simple right? Well, not for me. I hate to be perceived as pushy, salesy or "yanking your arm" in any way. And so I tend to shy away from giving the schpeel about our church, even though ...

I believe in the vision
I agree with the mission
I want people to know Christ
and
I think our church is pretty cool
(http://www.ezrachurch.com)

Even then... I still have a hard time. I watched Erik meet a salesclerk and give the schpeel--and even though my tension rose as I tried to evaluate her response, she seemed just fine! She listened, knodded and say, "Oh! Well isn't that nice." (With full Wisconsin accent of course.)

So, I'm trying. In my own way.

Thank goodness for tattoos and my one year old.

Without these things, I wouldn't know how to start conversations! But having Joshua is an easy in. And the tattoos have proven themselves awesome conversation starters again and again and again.

Case(s) in point ....

At the park the other day, as our children ran around the playground, I met a lady and told her I was new to the area (another easy-in for us right now--it makes people ask us questions!). Told her briefly we are here to start a church. It got a little awkward, as sometimes people don't know what to say to that. Weird thing is, yesterday Erik and Joshua and I went down to a lake side park in Madison and who comes walking up the sidewalk?? This lady and her son! So, we met again, and laughed about how we'd both end up at the same place so far from home. I am now fervently praying that we'll meet again and again and again. :)

At the diner in downtown Sun Prairie, a family of three (Mom, Dad, 10 yr old girl) sat across the aisle from us in their own booth. They ate in peace, while we ate and managed a one year old who has truly discovered the tantrum. (At one point he reared his head back so hard he hit it on the wall, thus screaming louder. Beautiful. I'm pretty sure the whole restaurant turned to watch as I took him outside to calm down.) Niceties were exchanged about how they would trade their 15 year old for our one year old (I think they're crazy) and we got up to leave. Erik and Joshua walked out, and while I gathered the diaper bag, the Dad says, "So, how much did those hurt?" indicating my wrists.

Yea for tattoos.

This led into a quite long conversation about tattoos, pastors, why they don't attend church, how old their kids are, where I live, where they live, what my husband does, how they never woulda guessed he was a pastor, how great Sun Prairie is for raising kids, how they chose their daughter's name, how I share the ten year old's middle name, until finally I asked, "Soooo....does your daughter babysit?"

Now they have a flier for our church, and I have their home phone, all their names, and a great start to a fun relationship with a family who lives only 2 blocks from us! Tattoos and a one year old--nice!

Crazy coincidence, if you believe in those ...

We then stopped by our landlords place to give them some paperwork. After chatting for a while, I mentioned something about meeting a family at the diner, and their daughter Hope babysits ... and my landlord's face went from confused, to thinking hard to ... "Oh! You mean the (insert last name)?" And I said, "Uh....yes...." and she said, "Oh my! Their ten year old is close friends with my daughter! What a great family .... "

Hilarious. This happened the same day that I had run into the lady and her son downtown. God is connecting us all over the place!

And just now, at the park, thank goodness for my one year old ... a young girl, far too young to have the three kids she was playing with, was at the park. I asked her if she was babysitting and she said yep! Turns out she's a college student who lives 15 minutes from here and babysits. I started to walk home, but seriously felt like I was supposed to go talk to her more and get her info. So, I did. I said, "Sorry if this seems odd, but I'm new to the area and sometime soon my husband and I are going to need a date night! Can I get your contact info?" I told her we're here to start a new church, and she seemed intrigued. Typical me, I didn't launch into the schpeel, but I will now proceed to connect with her, ask her to babysit and see where the relationship goes!

Erik and I are going to have a go on a lot of date nights if I keep using babysitting as a way to meet people!

And so, this is how you start a church, and further God's kingdom. Kristin-style.

Smack

2011-09-06T11:07:00.001-06:00

So .... I guess I live in Wisconsin now.

What?!

It's such a strange phenomenon, in this modern world of ours, to move to a new place. I often forget we've moved.

In Home Depot, which looks the exact same as in Colorado, I can let the reality of our move fade into the recesses of my mind while working with the paint guy and Erik to determine paint colors. It's as if nothing has changed and we've just decided to repaint a room and finally invest in a step stool. Until suddenly I'm snapped back to reality when the paint guy says, "Oh, so you're gonna wanna buy a snowblower sooner rather than later," with full Wisconsin accent.

Smack--I'm back in reality and remembering that I now live in Wisconsin.

Same thing happened at Chilis the other night. I'm enjoying chips and salsa, like normal, with good friends, like normal, when all of the sudden a Menards commercial plays and that jingle "Save big money at Menards" that you only know if you've lived near a Menards in the past threw me smack right back into reality.

I now live in Wisconsin.

Every time I step outside and feel humidity ... smack, reality.
Every time I get in my car and realize I have NO idea where I'm going ... smack, reality.
Every time I wonder when I get to be done with this "camp" like experience and go back home ... smack reality.
Every time I think about dropping Joshua off to visit his grandparents ... smack, reality.
Every time I realize I feel like I'm just playing house and I'll go back to mine sometime ... smack, reality.

Moving is a strange thing. Especially in our society where most cities and towns have the same big-box stores, similar building styles, and generally nice people. It's seriously easy to forget that you've moved from your home, family and friends until .... smack. Something slams you right back into reality.

Reality is, moving is hard. Reality is, we made this choice, and we will get through this transition.

No matter how many "smacks" it takes, I will start to adjust to my new reality.

Good bye Old Friends

2011-08-27T23:55:00.000-06:00

2005, new kittens

2008, Christmas cats

Pretty Nicolett

Sheridan loves Erik--and his stuff!

Nicky, my princess, 2011, the Giveaway Day

Sheridan, "Evil", 2011, the Giveaway Day

My life is a constant streams of "lasts" and "goodbyes." A little unexpectedly, one of the hardest good byes happened today.

We gave up our cats. My first babies, my princess and "evil" -- nicknames. Don't ask.

Six years ago we got married.

And my Mom's crazy best friend gave us cats for our wedding present. Longest lasting, most rewarding wedding gift. Ever. (actually, she just gave us supplies, and a check to be used for the adoption.)

July 2005, we brought home Nicolett and Sheridan from MaxFund, not realizing that we'd just named them after an actress. TOTAL ACCIDENT! We were not, and still aren't, Desperate Housewives fans. We chose their names after a major avenue (Nicolett) in Minneapolis, our home town, and the boulevard that the store we got them from was on (Sheridan).

These cats have been such a joy in our lives. They truly were lifesavers throughout our struggle with infertility. They cuddled with us, they played with us, they let us cry on them ... I miss them so much..

We got home today, and I immediately looked for Nicky in the window behind the sheer white curtain. I listened for fatty Sheridan's "thud" of jumping off our bed upstairs to come greet us. I waited for Nicky to brush up against my legs and beg for a cuddle and fresh, cold water. I was confused when I saw that the basement door was shut, because we could NEVER leave it shut because that's where their litterbox was. I'm sure tonight I will miss the weight of Sheridan, who loved to "spoon" with me all night long.

An awful lot lately I have shoved them off my lap, rolled my eyes at their head butts, sighed in exhasperation at their incredibly persistent requests for love ... I know this was the right thing to do. I know their new owner has a lot more love to give than we do right now.

I love my babies ...

And yet, I'm sitting here, shedding tears for my babies, and wondering why I was ever annoyed at Nicky for climbing onto my lap and through my arms while I typed. Because that's all I wish would happen right now.

My Life Lately

2011-08-25T20:53:00.000-06:00

Life is a little bit of a blur lately. I remember the beginning of August ... but I'm not quite sure when and how it became August 25th. I remember saying that I wanted August to be over ... and here it is almost over and I'm not sure how I feel about that!

I'm excited to move and start this adventure--an adventure we've been talking about and planning for since April.

I'm scared silly to do every day life without our amazing support network of family and friends.

I'm anticipating the joy of discovering a new life and new friendships.

I'm nervous for the meltdown that I know will come once I've used up all the adrenaline from moving.

I'm counting on the growth that will be forced upon me in new situations and life experiences.

I'm grieving the inevitable fade of friendships and loss of connection--Facebook is incredible, but there's nothing like a real live squishy human hug.

I'm in awe of how quickly this has happened ... and shocked at how slow these months have seemed.

I'm proud of us for doing this ... and nostalgic already for "the good ole days" in Colorado.

I'm looking forward to doing life in Sun Prairie ... and I'm already tired of saying goodbye in Colorado. And it has truly barely begun ....

Awareness and articulation--these are two words that have stuck out to me lately. I, increasingly every day, become aware of my feelings, emotions (and hormones I'm sure!) that are swirling around inside of me. And after a bit of processing, it becomes very essential that I be allowed to articulate these feelings and emotions, without fear of rejection, bad consequences, and/or toooooo much sympathy and pity. Aware, articulate, move on. (and sometimes revisit!) That's been my process lately. So, if you run into me, and I randomly blab some form of articulation about how I'm feeling--I'm sorry! If it sounds for a minute like I'm crabby about this move--I'm not! I'm just in the process of processing. The journey of awareness and articulation. It's a rollercoaster, that's for sure.

But let's be very clear about one thing: I am choosing this. Choosing this because God has called us to it, and I choose to be in His will. Because as much as I'd love to be near family, as much as I'd love to stay with friends, as much as I love my view of the mountains .... His place for me is far better than my place for me. So do not be confused. I am not angry, I am not kicking and screaming, I am not fighting. I'm just aware, and articulating. :)

The End of an Era

2011-08-13T21:51:00.000-06:00

Our first Chinese Dinner Night was June 18, 2010, and we didn't even know what we'd started! All we knew was going to dinner together was so fun and facilitated such great conversation, that we had to do it again! Casey, Bethany, Jessica and Samantha were in attendance, and we ended the night with oatmeal face masks and toenail painting.

And I came home that night and declared to Erik, "I will make this a regular thing. I will make sure I set aside special time for these ladies in the months to come."

And we did! With lots of rescheduling, and invites on Facebook, and reminders by text, we pulled off 4 more--count 'em FOUR--Chinese nights. Whoot Whoot!

C.N. #2

Chinese Night #2 was September 12, 2010. Samantha, Stephanie, and Casey and I had a wonderfully intimate meal of Chinese together. And Sam made us get the chicken on skewers that you roast over a little flame. Good times, good times.

C.N. #4

Chinese Night #3 was November 28, 2010. Jessica, Casey and Bethany came. I remember laughing a lot .... This was took many many reschedulings, so I was a little burned out for a while .... Night #4 was long in coming. :)

Chinese Night #4 was June 3, 2011 (Officially titled Chinese Night ... I've lost count!) This was definitely a fun turn out! Bethany, Casey, Jessica, Paige, and Stephanie! This one I convinced them to get ice cream too, which was hard to do considering how much we stuff ourselves with yummy Chinese goodness!

Chinese Night #5 ... the Final One was tonight. What a bittersweet event. For the first time, alum Jessica Ho was able to join us, which was super fun! Sadly, Mackey, who'd been to every one since the beginning, missed this final night. Sad day!

Final Chinese Night

Casey Morris gets the award for perfect attendance! Yay! Way to go! :) and for being the best red head EV-ER.
Stephanie Ho gets the award for best facial expressions while eating Chinese. I don't think she even knows it ... :)
Jessica Mackey get the award for always being the first student to arrive and always having a smile on her face.
Samantha Krejcik gets the award for enthusiasm, specially for chicken on skewers and $1 wonton soup.
Bethany Morris gets the award for knocking her water glass over. Often. :) And for introducing me to dumplings and beef lo mein. YUM!
Paige Becker gets an award, just because I'm so excited she made it to one!
Jessica Ho gets an award for being my favorite alum ever. :)

From conversations on everything from boys, flies, cracks, Germany, band, books, dinosaurs, church, discipleship, friends, Chinese food (duh), camping, jobs, moving, college, sleep, siblings, babies (usually started by me), weddings, youth group and so much more, these nights meant the world to me. From forcing you to eat ice cream, to smearing oatmeal goo on our faces, to taking crazy photos in Safeway cart stalls, to watching Sam bite a leaf, to discussing how long we take in the restroom--and why, to swinging as high as we possibly can, to getting married and divorced several times :), to being dive bombed by bats, to hugging goodbye by the porta-potty in the twilight, I've loved every minute.

The end of an era. The end of regular (semi anyway) Chinese Nights. To my ladies, I love you. God led me to you and you to me for a season, and it's a season I will never forget. You each hold a dear place in my heart, and I've learned so much from each one of you. I can only hope you've learned in return, and we can continue to stay in touch.

Seek Jesus, live life to the fullest, and VISIT ME!

Waterfalls, Dams and Kinkos.

2011-08-02T09:27:00.000-06:00

I cry a lot lately.

Just here and there, and everywhere--any random thing can make the waters rise and trickle down my cheeks.

At the local park, as I round the corner of the pond and gaze on the most beautiful mountain range I've ever lived near and realize that I'm leaving my mountains.

At the FedEx/Kinkos office, where James, the most helpful and kindest employee ever, remembers my name, and recalls that my son is about 1 1/2 (Josh is 15 months old--I'd say James was pretty close!)

At the weekly Bible study with ladies I've taken for granted and now realize I will deeply deeply miss ... no explanation needed. The tears flow just writing about it.

At the sound of Joshua squealing and clapping in delight as we make the right turn into my parents' drive. My tears could rival waterfalls in the Amazon.

At the memories in this home, the far off voices in the walls, the images that float through the halls. The dam might break forever if I contemplate what leaving this house will feel like.

At the moment in Denver where I thought I heard someone call our names. No one did, but the fact that I knew we could run into someone we knew was wonderful. Until I remembered we're moving to a place where no one knows us and it'll be rare for many years for us to run into people we know anywhere we go.

At the twists and turns and streets and stoplights that I can navigate in my sleep, and have since high school.

At the reassurance that I always have a place to go when I need a break, a hug or some super super super ridiculously strong coffee. (A.K.A. Mom and Dad's. The coffee is always stronger when Mom makes it though...)

At the truth that explodes in my heart that while this is where I'm known, this is where I reside, this is where I wish I could live forever ... I'm no longer called to be here. The tears that well and gush and flow at that are a mixture of grief and hope. Grief at leaving my home, and hope at the prospect of an adventure. Grief at leaving the known for the unknown, and hope at the blessings of following the call of my Lord. Grief and hope ... tears and more tears.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again--moving is hard.

Day Seven ... The Cleanse END!

2011-07-29T21:06:00.001-06:00

I made it! Pretty much without cheating, I made it!

Actually, yesterday my Mom said to me, "You know, you're doing really well. I cheated all the time! I'd eat turkey, blue corn chips ... to get me through the day!"

This was as I was almost fainted, sprawled out in exhaustion on the kitchen island. I dragged my gaze to her and with a heaving sigh said, "So, I'm sposed to be happy that I'm not cheating? As I feel like this?!"

But, she's right--I did it pretty much to the letter. And I do feel really good! I just got back from date night, where I had my first "real" meal in 7 days.

Day Seven Observations:

1) I discovered almond milk this morning. My sister Molly kept saying to me, USE ALMOND MILK in your shakes! But for whatever reason, I didn't. I think I thought it was cheating. Then I read the booklet. Apparently, it's not cheating. I was missing out on yummy calories all week because I didn't read the stupid booklet. So, the shakes today, my last three, were must tastier than the others!

2) It's important to read the booklet. Always always read the booklet.

3) Baking lasagnas was hard ... grilling hot dogs was hard ... but going to Harry Potter and sitting next to my hubby while he munched on popcorn .... UNBEARABLE! I had 15 kernels. And sadly, it wasn't even that amazing. Which continues to prove that ...

4) Cravings and food desires are SOOOOO in my head! Honestly, the veggies I had this week tasted better than those elicit handfuls of popcorn.

The appetizer that ended my detox week.

5) My "real" meal tonight was good, though I had to eat really slow and I definitely could tell, well, um, how do I say this sensitively ... I could tell that my colon and intestines were working differently than ever before and were quite shocked at the sudden arrival of hand made mozzarella, lavender sourdough bread, goat cheese biscuits, arugula gnocchi, porcini mushrooms and sweet corn nage.

6) I quite concerned about how to now ease back into normal life, without returning to my normal self. What principles of eating can I take away from this week? Veggies are yummy? Replace graham crackers with almonds? Fruit is incredible for dessert? One doesn't need popcorn to survive?

7) I'm glad I did it. That's an important observation.

8) I will do it again someday. And make my husband do it with me. :)

9) I hope I've encouraged someone else along the way to give it a go--even if you "cheat" and eat organic turkey as a snack instead of a carrot, it's better than our normal diets of fast food, quick-grab-carb snacks and very little whole, real foods!

10) You won't feel skinny during or after a detox. Just healthy. And a little bit less "cravy" than before. I still desire certain foods, but I'm--at least for now--much more able to say no thanks, or only take a few nibbles. I hope I can keep that up ...

THE END!!

Day Six ... The Cleanse.

2011-07-28T20:37:00.001-06:00

Day 6. I'm not sure I believed I'd get here! I think a huge part of my success (so far) was knowing I had to blog about it each night. :)

Day Six Observations:

1) I awoke today with my normal fatigue and desire to lay on Joshua's floor with his teddy bear as a pillow, but without weakness, intense hunger or cravings for bad food. Hip hip hooray!

2) Because of my renewed energy and lack of weak/hungry feeling, I decided to take a walk with my Mom.

3) Taking a walk was a bad idea.

4) I felt my stomach go empty 15 minutes into the 45 minutes walk. And I almost fainted. Stupid stupid idea.

5) After guzzling a nasty green shake, I felt worse. Sick, stomach cramps, nasty. Blah. Ick. Don't try this at home--or anywhere.

6) Finally, I felt better. And realized that today was the best of the days so far, as far as hunger, cravings, weakness etc. Yea for day 6!

7) I cheated. I had a bite of bread. My mother in law led me astray by pointing out that is had no preservatives and was all natural. *sigh* I can't even say it was that amazing. I think it was more the idea of it ... though is was soft, and warm, with a crunchy crust. Mmm.... In my head, it was HEAVENLY.

8) On that note, so much of my cravings are in my head!! I'm realizing this!!!

9) I LOVE veggies! They are so incredibly flavorful! I can't taste this normally because of my taste for chips, cookies and crap. Carrots=amazing! Zucchini=incredible!

10) Glad I did this .. and trying to heed my sister's wisdom. She said, "I was so excited for Day 7 and then I got up and realized ... I still had to do Day 7." So, I'm trying not to be too excited.

But I am .... :)

Dear Josh: Messy Wonderful

2011-07-27T22:07:00.000-06:00

Dear Joshua,

Oh my goodness, are you just the cutest little guy ever? Yes, yes you are.

I love hearing you babble to yourself in your crib when you wake up in the morning.

I love entering the room and seeing you shake the whole crib in excitement!

I love how sturdy you are, and how exuberant you are in your reaching for me.

I love how when you recognize me across a room (or the airport baggage claim) you grin and run as fast as you possibly can and all the strangers stop to smile at this little son loving his mommy.

I love how the second you get into my arms, you twist your body and point--at what, we never know. I don't think you know either ... you just point until you find something good.

I love how you love escalators, elevators, cars, buses, remotes, keys, buttons of any kind and keyboard--musical and computer.

I love how you say "Hi" and wave at every single person at Walmart. Big or small, young or old, interested in you or not interested in you ... you force them to respond. Love it.

I love how obsessed you are with going outside. Ok, maybe I don't always love this, but it's better than never wanting to go outside!

I love how you love your Daddy. And of course how he loves you.

I love how you now know when we drive into Grandma and Grandpa's house and you kick and kick and kick with excitement to go see Roxy the Horse, Sammy the Snake and Nugget the Pug!

I love how lately we only read the first 2/3 of any book before you're hopping off my lap to find another one, climb back on to my legs, read another 2/3 and so on and so forth.

I love how when I say no more books, you sigh, give me a slightly evil eye, but then curl up in my arms for singing and prayers.

I love how when I mess up or try to change the melody in a bedtime song, you notice and look at me funny.

I love how you scwinch up your face and make really loud noises in an attempt to communicate.

I love how you make my life full and exhausting and joyous and loud and messy and wonderful.

I love you Joshua Nelson Lindeen--and I want everyone to know. I LOVE being your mommy!

Day Five ... The Cleanse.

2011-07-27T21:56:00.000-06:00

Sigh. Why did I do this again?

Nah, actually today wasn't that bad. Why? Because I cheated. :) I just couldn't get through a day of packing my house and chasing Josh with just a nasty tasting shake, veggies and a banana in me!

So, with my Mom's permission, I had a grilled chicken salad for lunch. Push off the corn relish, picked off the cheese and only used, like, 2 tsp of ranch dressing. HEAVEN!

Day Five Observations:

1) The second stage of the shakes is grosser. It's green. And no one told me it ups to three shakes a day--breakfast, lunch and 2pm snack. Who snacks on green goo?? Me, that's who.

2) The first batch of shakes (Days 1-4) were not that bad--very tolerable. This batch, not so much. I think because it's green. And three a day.

3) One should read the instructions of a cleanse more closely. I did--today. On Day Five. It actually tells me that I will feel "out of sorts" and "hungry." I'm not sure why I just put "hungry" in quotes.

4) I actually had a dizzy spell today. Not sure if that was lack of food, the new stage of actual colon cleansing wonderfulness or simply too much coffee.

5) Intriguing ... I'm sitting here finally reading the pamphlet that comes with the program. It's listing some of the possible "unpleasant short term reactions" --I've had a lot of them! I'm not abnormal! Yay!

6) It says to avoid caffeine. Um, have they met Joshua??

7) Wow. There are recipes in here for better tasting shakes. TOTALLY should have read this little booklet thingy.

8) Didn't get the usual headache today ... I wonder if, now that I'm done with the "revitalizing" part and moving into the "detoxification" part I'll experience new and different reactions. Oh goody.

9) I didn't realize until today that the first part of this cleanse was intended to prepare my body for the second part of the cleanse--the actual detox part. So apparently NOW we are ridding my body of metals, toxins and other such nasty buggers. Good to know! (This link explains the cleanse really well: CLICK HERE)

10) Observation: I really did not know what I was getting into or why. Story of my life ...

Only two more days to go!

Day Four ... The Cleanse.

2011-07-26T20:52:00.000-06:00

I don't like Day 4. I didn't like Day 3. Honestly, I haven't really liked any of the days. I'm thinking I'll like Day 7 ... only because it's the end.

Day Four Observations:

1) Woke up exhausted ... that could be from crying about life changes until midnight, but whatever. Let's blame the cleanse!

2) I have decided that today I was in hoarding mode. I ate a lot today--a lot. Granted, veggies, hummice (I'm cheating with the hummice, but come on--it's HUMMICE) and fruit. And my trusty almonds. Now I know--one can overeat on healthy foods.

3) I was reminded today that eating is a habit. A habit a love. And one that I'm tired of doing with pea pods and dry nuts.

4) There's something called detox breath. And I have it. Nas-ty.

5) Um, when am I supposed to start feeling energized and amazing due to the lack of processed carbs, sugars and the increase of natural foods? I feel icky. Still.

6) I think I'm not drinking enough water. Just FYI.

7) I saw 123 on the scale for the first time since early early pregnancy ... it was strange. Strange but good...

8) My sister told me that she remembers dropping weight like crazy the first three days, eating a lot (must be a family thing) the fourth day, and then balancing out again days 5-7. I'll let you know if it's the same for me ...

9) Sometimes getting to 10 is hard. Maybe I should release myself from the perfection of 10 and go back to letters?

10) Day 4 IS the middle of 7 days! Whoot Whoot! Over the hill and rolling down--hopefully super fast with renewed energy and no more detox breath.

You ready for 3 more days of my random semi-worthless observations? Boo-yeah, me too.

Oooo---Hunger pains. Reaching for my water ....

Day Three ... The Cleanse.

2011-07-25T22:35:00.000-06:00

I think I'm getting the hang of this!

Day Three Observations:

1) No gnawing hunger pains today--yay!

2) The shake really is better with a whole banana, not just a half, blended in.

3) I switched back to numbers because they are more organized. :)

4) I thought preparing lasagnas for the freezer was rough ... today I hosted a youth group event and grilled 24 hot dogs, tore open bags of chips, set out the makings for smores, and inhaled the aroma of pizza. Seriously--will power.

5) Will power--I do have it. Huh--who woulda thunk?

6) I still really needed/wanted that chicken/rice/veggie dinner by 3:15pm. Counted the minutes .... and it tasted AMAZING. As usual.

7) Still get a headache and feel lethargic around 2ish every day. Coffee slump? Probably. Sugar withdrawal? Definitely.

8) Is Day 4 half way in a 7 day cleanse? Yes, yes it is. YAY!

9) I sat at McDonald's today and truly honestly was not even the least bit tempted--weird! I just drank my water and ate my almonds. Intriguing ...

10) The smores tempted me more than I thought they would ... but I didn't give in. Will power--what an idea!

Tomorrow is half way! Whoot Whoot!

Day Two ... The Cleanse.

2011-07-24T20:18:00.001-06:00

I hate this. I'm dying. I hate this. What was I, crazy? I'm dying--literally dying.

Over dramatic? Yes. But that's me.

Day Two=I hate this detox.

Day Two Observations:

A) The shake was not nearly as good the second day. It was more watery--I'm not sure why. I used a little apple juice and used only half a banana. Not my favorite.

B) No amount of food satisfied my hunger today! And totally not a good idea to start this thing when I'm single-moming it for the weekend. Being the only parent in such heat taking crazy Josh to parks when all I can munch on are almonds and cantaloupe chunks was TOUGH!

C) Oh--I dropped 4 whole pounds between 7am and 11pm yesterday. CRAZY! (Water weight, I know, but crazy!)

D) My sister said that Day Two was her "I hate this" day as well. I think Day One I was like, "Yeah, I can do this. I'm awesome. It'll be great!" and Day Two I awoke to reality, gnawing hunger, a headache the size of India, and discovered, "Yikes--I want food. And not carrots--FOOD."

E) Don't ever think it's a good idea to prepare lasagnas for the freezer on Day Two (or any day for that matter) of a detox. BAD idea. Major temptation to nibble ...

F) I vividly recall glancing at the clock at 4:44pm and registering that I only had to wait 16 minutes for dinner. GLORIOUS!

G) I just realized that yesterday I used numbers for the observation list, today letters. Strange.

H) As I ate my bland chicken, tasteless brown rice, and steamed veggies, my sister Molly mentioned that she had put avocado in her detox dinners for flavor. I raced to the fridge, found avocado, sliced it into my bowl .... HEAVENLY! The clouds parted and angels sang--avocado is my new hero.

I) I've had a headache all day, my faces aches, my jaw bones ache, my vision feels hazy, and I'm lethargic ... What the ... ?!

J) Cherries are amazing. They are my dessert for tonight.

K) 1 through 10 is a lot cleaner than letters .... A-K? Weird.

That's all I guess .... Until Day Three ....

Day One of ... The Cleanse.

2011-07-23T20:43:00.000-06:00

Why a cleanse, you ask? Because of a few reasons, that I will now list:

A) Lethargy, poor diet, and consistent aches and case of the "blahs"-time to jump start my system!
B) Poor diet (I know, double listing) combined with the seeming inability to simply eat better--time to jump start my system!
C) Because I'm finally done attempting to get pregnant, being pregnant, nursing, being pregnant again, and miscarrying--time to jump start my system!
D) Um, time to jump start my system?

So, Day One Observations:

1. The shake for breakfast, mixed with water and a whole banana in my Magic Bullet (which I must say, is mostly magic, but no matter what, there's always one chunk of banana that is missed. My sister confirms this, as she has a Magic Bullet too) was not all that bad! Molly set me up to think it would be awful, but when I'm hungry, I'm hungry. Now, talk to me on Day 7 and shake 13 and we'll see what I think.

2. As I learned with Joshua on "Super Why!", carrots are a good snack. So, I had a carrot--a big one--for a snack. Why don't I do this normally? Hmmm...not sure. Because graham crackers are easy access? And don't require skinning?

3. Almonds do a surprisingly adequate job of satisfying gnawing hunger.

4. I must intake a lot of calories by simply eating a bite of everything I feed Josh! I had to stop myself from eat a piece of his string cheese, a nibble of his turkey, a bit of his cracker ... Seriously!

5. By lunch, I was definitely in need of that second shake with a whole banana mixed in my Magic Bullet. Definitely.

6. Dinner couldn't come fast enough. The almonds just weren't cutting it, so I ate like, half a cantaloupe. Not joking. I swear, it didn't make a dent. I'm not sure what my body was craving, but it did not want cantaloupe and water!!

7. Chicken, brown rice, mixed with carrots, pea pods and zucchini has never ever ever tasted so good!

8. After gorging myself on dinner, I still had an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. That's probably the space that I normally fill with sugar, worthless carbs, processed foods and all sorts of other goodies.

9. I ate 1/2 a package--wait, hold up, 3/4 of a package of blackberries. Heavenly. And I'll probably finish it when I'm done here.

10. I'm tired. I'm assuming it's the sugar low, dip, crash mixed with the high heat and chasing a one year old. I hope this cleanse really does jump start my system ... 6 days to go!

The Luxury of an Oops

2011-07-22T15:07:00.000-06:00

Ever since I miscarried last week, I've had this phrase rolling through my mind:

Luxury of an Oops

It has occurred to me that having an "oops" pregnancy, while unexpected and kinda stressful, is actually a luxury. At least from the point of view I'm coming from. See, I'll most likely, as confirmed by last week's miscarriage, never have the luxury of "Oops! We're unexpectedly pregnant! Well, haha---guess God decided it was time!"

See, that won't be us because of my ridiculous genetic blood protein chromosome something something problem--the beautiful MTHFR. My problem is not necessarily in the conception--it's in the keeping of an embryo. I've conceived four times (to my knowledge), and I have one child. Bad odds. That's because my body doesn't seem to know how to sustain a pregnancy without lotsa blood thinner shots, baby aspirin and uber amounts of folic acid to help my own body combat, well, itself. In order to keep my child. Sheesh. What a mess!

You may recall that Erik and I went a LONG time without conceiving before we struck gold with little Joshua. I truly believe God heard, and not only heard but answered our prayers. Our prayer was quite specific, and truly, I don't know if we really knew what we were actually asking for. We prayed:

"God please PLEASE don't let us miscarry again. Please don't let us conceive until it's going to stick and carry."

Well, after miscarrying our second in September of 2007, I did not conceive again until August of 2009. Let me tell you--that's a LOT of trying and failing. A lot of praying and waiting. A lot of wishing and hoping.

God does answer prayer. He knew we needed to find out about MTHFR. He knew I needed to be with the right, arrogant, aggressive doctor who would treat this contested disorder. He knew I needed to be on certain shots and drugs even preconception for little "Bubba" (now Joshua) to stick.

He knew, He heard, and He answered.

And after this quite unexpected pregnancy that ended not unexpectedly in miscarriage, I ask of my Lord again. Please, Please, don't let me have another oops if it's just going to end like this. I'd rather find the specialist, pay the money, do the shots that bruise my skin and turn me ugly shades of yellow, purple, black and blue. I'd rather take the horse-sized pills, cut the caffiene, endure the blood draws, and mess with my hormones. I'd rather do all this then be reminded again some time in the future that my body does not have the ability to--on it's own--sustain a tiny little embryo past 6 weeks.

I won't ever experience the luxury of an oops.

Unexpected ... Miscarriage

2011-07-13T07:54:00.001-06:00

It's amazing how something you weren't expecting and not trying for can change your whole train of thought. Alter your entire way of thinking about the near future. Morph the image in your mind of the next steps.

On July 4th, we were shocked to find out we were pregnant. And this morning, sadly, I am losing the pregnancy.

I'd forgotten how quickly that positive pregnancy test changes your life. I had a inkling I was pregnant. As we traipsed around New York City, and I was extra tired, ridiculously crabby, and quite demanding of food, a small voice in my brain kept taunting me saying, "You're pregnant! You're pregnant!"

And so I was. And the second we saw that test, planned or not, our visualization of our future changed. Suddenly there was a pregnant belly while unpacking our place in Madison. There was a newborn baby early in March, or most likely February. Joshua would have a baby sister or brother before he was 2--definitely not in our plans, but now our new reality.

This is, was, the first time I've ever been pregnant without trying. I have a whole new understanding for the woman who has an "oops." (Please don't comment and rant about how no baby is an oops and every baby is created by God ... I'm aware. It's a phrase. Thank you.) This was our "oops!" (I like to tack an exclamation point on the end because it sounds like a happy oops then.) And Baby Oops really threw me for a loop. I'd never not planned on a pregnancy before. And this one startled me--and so did my emotions.

I remember laying down with Joshua at my Grandma's house to spend some time with him before nap time. And I cried. Cried with shock, cried with happiness, cried with those crazy pregnant lady hormones. And Joshua laid with me, forehead to forehead. He reached out his chubby little hand and patted my cheek, as if to say, "There there Mommy, we can handle another one like me."

I had thoughts like, I'm not ready. I can't do this. Wait! Maybe I only want Joshua!!!!
But then I had thoughts like, What a miracle. We didn't even have to try!

Then the cramping started, and I couldn't decide what to feel. Sadness? Relief? Fear? A mix of it all. Then the cramping went away ... then it returned ... then it went away .... Ugh--just happen already!

And so now, the answer is clear: no baby in March. No brother or sister for Joshua--not yet anyway.

I've miscarried before. I've sobbed and I've bawled. This one is different. I'm still a mother, so yes I am grieving. I'm heartbroken and sad. But this one is different too. Because this time, I was able to open a door, smile at a little boy, pick him up and receive the biggest most exuberant hug any mommy could ever receive. Having Joshua makes this okay, and trusting God gives me hope.

Me? Insecure? Never! ... Well, maybe ... a smidge ...

2011-07-08T08:44:00.001-06:00

I was invited to do one last bible study with Discovery Church women before our big move to Madison, Wisconsin. I waffled on the decision for a while, knowing that this summer would be crazy and also knowing that I would love the time with these ladies. Then I saw the book title they'd chosen: So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. And I thought, "Nah, I don't need to read that--I'm not insecure!"

Insert laughter here.

Because only a few pages into the book, I realized wow--I am in these pages, in these examples. Insecurity is not just what I tend to picture--a mousy wall flower woman who can't speak her mind and spends 19 hours choosing an outfit just to change it later. No, insecurity can and does look very different from that.

I could quote a dozen lines from this book, and you'd probably think, "Oh my--that's me! She's talking about me!" even if you are like I was and utterly convinced of your security. No matter what, we've all got something that triggers us. Some broken relationship, some failed promise, some shortcoming or fear that paralyzes us and causes us to forget who we are in Christ. For me, I'm realizing a lot of different things about myself. So anyway, I'll just quote a few:

I constantly feel unqualified, inadequate, and out of my league. I realized this morning that I not only lack security, I also lack faith. I don't just doubt myself, I also doubt God about myself.

Some of us never seek healing from God for our insecurities because we feel like we don't fit the profile. We think insecurity only looks one way--mousy, maybe even inept--and that's not exactly who we see in the mirror ... Insecurity's best cover is perfectionism. That's where it becomes an art form.

The fact that she [an insecure woman] can be a complicated mix of confidence and self-consciousness is the very reason it took me so long to identify it in myself and admit it.

Those above quotes are all from the first couple chapters of the book. Those are the quotes, just a sampling, that drew me in and helped me realize this book was good for me. This next quote I read just yesterday, and with my life the way it is lately, boy did I need to read it. This section is in the form of a prayer ...

Lord, help me to learn how to hang on tight to You when my life is rocked by dramatic change. Empower me to trust You and not to panic or fight for control. Help me to stop confusing a change in my circumstances with a change in my security status. You are my security, O God. You are the one sure thing. When everything around me shakes, You are unshakeable. Nothing has the propensity to reveal false gods in me like a sudden change in my circumstances. Help me to see them and surrender them instantaneously. Use change to provoke what needs changing in me, Lord, and to increase my appreciation of the only One who is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

I need to print this up and plaster it all over my walls, mirrors, car and laptop. What is it about change that gets me all jittery and insecure?? My God is in control, my God is orchestrating this change, and He is in it all, blessings, challenges, surprises, twists and turns. He is my Rock, my Guide and my Salvation. Whom--and what--shall I fear?

I'll close with this quote:

No, you are no the only one to blame [for your insecurity], but girlfriend, you are the only one you can change. God is willing, God is able. Let Him get to that terrified part of you that devalues the rest of you.

I highly recommend that you--yes you--read this book. :) Even if you think you're totally and completely secure, I promise you--you're not.

Support: We Need It

2011-06-25T19:36:00.001-06:00

To all my friends and family out there:

As you know, we are preparing to move to Madison, WI to help launch a church. Ezra Church (www.ezrachurch.com) just started officially in April. We plan to move there at the end of August, and are pretty excited for this adventure!

We are seeking prayer and financial supporters. This could be you! (In fact, if you are a follower of Christ and know how to pray, than I KNOW this is you. :) )

We've heard it said that church planting is on the "front lines" of ministry--Satan does not want effective, vibrant churches to flourish in the nation! 3,500-4,000 churches CLOSE every year in America. And only 1,000-1,500 are planted. This is why we believe in taking this next step! A new church plant has advantages in reaching people for Christ:
A: It's a fresh new start--it's new, people wanna check it out.
B: It has a strong vision--hey, the vision was just created, so it hasn't had time to dilute and fade yet!
C: It's outreach focused--there is no "in" club, no cliques--everyone is new!

Please consider joining us in the adventure. If you'd like to join our prayer team, please email me at kristin.lindeen @ gmail.com (omit spaces). If you'd like to find out how to make a monthly financial commitment, or even give a one time gift, please contact me! I'd love share more with you.

And check out Erik's blog at www.lindeenfamily.com.

Thank you for your support! We couldn't do this without you.

Trick Explosion!

2011-06-16T20:03:00.000-06:00

So, Joshua has had a "trick explosion!" In the last week, he has figured out the following:

Joshua, what does a bear say? "Rawr!" (It's much more adorable that I can do it justice on the web. I'll try to capture video ...)

How big is Joshua? Lifts his hands semi above his head and kinda wiggles his fingers.

He is FINALLY at least attempting to clap--instead of clapping, he holds his hands in front of himself, palms down and lifts his hands up and down over and over so that they hit each other on the way up and down. Clapping--Josh style.

Although he has spent absolutely zero time around his Uncle Jordan (which is actually a very sad thing to realize) he has discovered there is a whole on his face. Two of them in fact. And when he is confused or overwhelmed, he sticks his little finger into his nostril. What the ... ?!

He has finally mastered the mouth trick where he takes a finger, wiggles it and hits his lips/mouth and makes a noise. In fact, he just tonight figured out how to make the "bla-er bla-er bla-er" noise without his fingers. So he just sits in his car seat using his tongue to make the sound. Hilarious! (Just yesterday, he was still putting one hand up to his mouth, and then attempting to hit his lips like Mommy to make the cool noise, but with his other hand. So instead of making the cool noise, he just ended up slobbering all over one hand, while aimlessly waving his fingers in front of his chin with the other hand. Again, HILARIOUS!)

He is slowly but surely learning the sign for "All done"--though it's still always followed by a mischievous grin and food throwing.

He also lifts his arms now in the classic "All gone?" or "Where'd it go?" motion.

He points up the stairs, and then to his crib when he wants to take a nap. (I LOVE this one!!)

He says "Brrrrrrrrr" for ball, balloon and bird.

And now something like "Ni-Na" seems to be a word for lights. Not sure why ....

QUITE the explosion of tricks!!

You went where?

2011-06-16T09:34:00.000-06:00

"Where are you headed?"

"Bonners Ferry, Idaho."

"Where?"

"A little town in northern Idaho."

"Never heard of it. Where exactly?"

*Sigh* "Canada." :)

Joshua and I just returned from a 5 day trip to Far North Idaho--Bonners Ferry. Almost 10 years ago, I got a slip of paper in the mail that informed me my college roommates would be Joelle Knappen from Alexandria, MN and Corella Butters from Bonners Ferry, ID.

For whatever reason, I saw the "ID" and took it to mean "Indiana". It only took me a phone call or two with my soon-to-be roommate to realize I needed to work on my state abbreviation recognition. "ID" is Idaho, not Indiana. Oh, what a easier but much more boring trip Indiana would have been for Joshua and me.

I learned some things about myself--and my son--over the past week. I'd love to share so here goes: (Warning, I'm still processing these things, and at this exact moment only know of two that I'm going to list here. Let's see what comes out of me as I type ...)

1. I can live without my Blackberry. And not just survive--but enjoy it! There's no cell service where Cora and Troy live, and while I thoroughly missed being able to talk to my husband, wow was it good to glance at my BB and see no flashing red light, no tiny numbers with a red asterisk indication unread emails ... nothing. It was good for nothing but telling time and a good game of Bejeweled before bed. Beautiful.

2. Joshua can live without T.V. Because Erik and I both work from home, there are often times during a week where we need to answer an email or make a phone call, and these times seem to almost always coincide with Josh's most needy moment. Hence, baby DVDs. This week, he survived without DVDs. Yay!

3. I tend to underestimate my son. He really is a great kid, and I, as a mommy, visualize the worst possible scenarios when we are trying new things instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt. He did so great at the airports, on the planes, in the car, at a Seussical Musical, in a new environment, on a hike .... what an adaptive little guy!

4. I tend to underestimate myself. Erik and I are very much partners in the parenting endeavor. We agree that we are usually a 60/40 split. This week I was definitely 100% parent--and I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to handle it. But guess what? I'm a great Mom. I'm the perfect Mom for Joshua, and I did just fine.

5. There are a lot of minutes in the day. Eliminate TV, internet, and cell phone, and suddenly, there's a TON of time in the day! Incredible!

6. God blessed me with an incredible roommate so many years ago. Cora Butters now Roberts, where would I be without you? Who would I be? We've had so many awesome chats, lived in a couple of different rooms together, seen God do amazing things in both of our lives ... I am so honored to still be a part of your life. Thanks for welcoming me into your home and for loving my son. (And I realize you won't read this until you're back in Alaska with internet, perhaps, and even then, you'll be a brand new mom so heck--maybe you'll NEVER read this! :) )

Joshua and I traveled to Far North Idaho. It was a big trip, I was anxious about it, but we did it. And it was good.

Mixed Up, Muddled & In Between

2011-06-05T14:25:00.000-06:00

What a funny stage of life we're just now entering. I feel a little Mixed Up--Where am I going? What am I supposed to be doing again? Who am I connecting with?

I feel pretty Muddled--Wait, what? Who's idea was this? What's the plan again?
And definitely, quite In Between.

Part of my heart is in Madison, because I know that's where we're going.
Part of my heart is in Broomfield, because that's where I just left.
Part of my heart is and always will be in Colorado, because it's my home, my safe place, my family.
Part of my heart is ... in San Francisco? :)

I feel so In Between.

We just started the newest phase in our life--the In Between Colorado and Wisconsin phase. The In Between Discovery and Ezra phase. The In Between known and unknown phase. The In Between home and adventure phase.

And I'm not quite sure what to do ... do I pack? Or do I not? Do I plan? Or do I not? How do I keep doing life here, since parts of my life have not changed, all the while knowing that this life I'm doing is rapidly coming to a close? I just don't know.

We're learning how to have more faith than ever. We're learning how to raise support, when really, we have no idea how. We're learning to cast a vision to others for something we've only just grasped ourselves. We're learning how to walk this road together. We're learning how to relax, let go, be still--and know that He is God.

That's a lesson I've supposedly learned many times in the past, and it's a lesson I'll continue to learn for the rest of my life. I'm so Mixed Up, Muddled and In Between ... and God is right here with me. And so, I know we'll be okay.

End of an Era

2011-05-29T21:57:00.000-06:00

I don't know if it's because we're not actually moving yet.

Or if it's due to an incredible layer of denial in me that just can't accept that we're leaving.

Either way, I woke up this morning, knowing it was our last day at Discovery Church, but for some reason, did not think through the emotional ramifications of that fact.

I wore non-water proof mascara.

What was I thinking??

It first dawned on me that maybe I was under prepared when I found Lisa, our pastor's wife, debating wearing mascara at all.

I was further enlightened when three women in a row saw me, gave me that head tilt and sad smile and asked, "How ya doing?"

Hmmm ... apparently this is an emotional morning?

Like I said, maybe it's because our house isn't packed, we're here until August-ish ... or maybe I'm in denial. I'm really starting to wonder.

At least now I can picture where we're going, I've met some of the people. I tell friends all the time, "Yep! We're moving to Madison! It's bittersweet--we're excited for the adventure, but sad to leave our home of 6 years and all the family and friends we have here." I explain our reasoning, how God has led us and can articulate the need for churches and outreaching Christians in the area we are going to.

And yet, a big part of me can't believe we're going ..

And so today ...

My last day on stage singing to my Lord at Discovery.

My last day hugging students in the hall and talking about sunburns, boys and summer jobs.

My last day chasing Joshua through a sea of legs, and soaking in peoples' love for him.

My last day partaking in the best communion bread I've ever tasted.

My last day with a pastor with a cool accent.

My last day with a view of the mountains when I walk to my car.

My last day at the church that's members helped me through infertility.

My last day in a place where I've finally found community.

My last day as a youth pastor's wife ...

I just wasn't ready. I should have worn water proof mascara.

This thought has been rolling around in my head for the last day--Just because I don't want to leave here, doesn't mean God doesn't have work for me there. Simple enough, and it's true. And so I just keep reminding myself. When I was 15, I didn't want to move to Colorado. And yet, that transition set a whole different course of action in my life, and so will this.

Discovery, thank you. Thank you for four years of support, tears, joys, learning, stretching, laughing, growing, singing, decorating, planning, partying, loving, meeting, crying, hugging, praying, hoping ...

I just still can't believe we're done ... but here's looking forward to the next adventure. It's because of the send off today, and the support I know we have from our family here that we have the courage to take this next step. So here's to change, faith, and Madison, Wisconsin--get ready, the Lindeens are coming!

44 days

2011-05-23T22:12:00.000-06:00

A few nights ago, I was at a really low point. I'm realizing it has kinda sorta maybe been a really rollercoaster-y 6 weeks, and my breaking point was rapidly approaching.

We only just were informed (by God) about our life direction change toward Ezra Church on April 9, 2011.

April 9th. That was only 44 days ago.

44 days.

And in that 44 days, we have experienced:

the excitement of realizing an adventure is upon us
the incredible grief of announcing this life change to my parents and sisters
the bittersweet emotions of preparing to leave our Discovery family
the yucky-ness of telling our students
the thrill of visiting Madison/Ezra for the first time
the reality check of visiting Madison/Ezra for the first time
the shock and devastation of losing a student's father to cancer
the sadness of leaving the only home we've known as a married couple
the stress of packing and decluttering a home for listing
the fatigue of processing various emotions
the awkwardness of each feeling differently than the other
the questions of the unknown future
the peace of knowing this is right

It has been a crazy 44 days. And I'm sure the next 44 will bring their own surprises. I just hope I can continue to learn how to process. emote. vent. pray. trust. and let go.

When God moves, He sure moves!

2011-05-18T21:30:00.000-06:00

Wow, I can't believe it has been 2 1/2 weeks since I last blogged! And that was like, a cheater blog, since most of it was something I'd written years ago!

Well, a lot has happened lately. My silence in the blogging world was partially due to the fact that I wasn't able to "talk" about our life changes yet, until official announces were made, and also due to my complete and total shock at what God has done and is doing.

When God moves, He sure moves!

Since the beginning of April, God has made many things clear:

1. Our time in ministry at Discovery Christian Church is rapidly coming to a close.
2. Our time in Colorado is also coming to a close, though not as rapidly.
3. Our sense that God was going to do something big in 2011 was dead on.
4. Our impression back in the spring/summer of 2010 that someday we'd be church planters was quite accurate.
5. Our next phase in life will be in Madison, WI helping with the newly launched Ezra Church with good friends Dave and Becky Tilma.

What the ... ?!

Yep, that's how I feel too. :)

I just had no idea. But that's how God tends to move in my life. For whatever reason, He allows me to only see what is currently happening. All I knew was life here in CO was good, Erik was a little antsy at his job and wondering what was to come ... and then BAM--we're listing our house, telling our families, and starting the process of raising support to move to Madison, WI as missionary church planters.

I did NOT see this coming.

I'm still processing--every day brings a new emotion. Every day brings a new "what if?" and "are you sure that .... ?" and "how do we know when ... ?"

What's so funny, is that no matter how I'm feeling, no matter how annoyed or depressed, or rebellious, or stubborn or sad, or guilty or questioning, at the end of the day, I know we're going to Madison.

I know this is where God is calling us.

I can't say I'm completely and totally 100% emotionally invested yet--but I'm getting there.

I can say, "God, I will go where you go. I will stay where you stay. I will follow you."

Obediently, and willingly, we will move to Madison. The whowhatwhenwherewhynowhow questions will continue to come, and I will continue to process.

But in the midst of it all, I will go. Because He is Lord, and I am not. I'd rather be on His path and live in Wisconsin, than be off His path, and live in beautiful Colorado.

Message from the Past: Letter #2

2011-04-28T19:36:00.000-06:00

Exactly 7 years ago, I wrote the note below to my hall of freshmen, sophomore and junior women. Funny--I needed to hear this wisdom today. Supposedly I'm now 7 years wiser than I was, 7 years older, 7 years more seasoned in the ways of man and God ... and yet, this reminder, from a younger, naiver (is that a word?), less tainted me was a breath of fresh air. Humorous, isn't it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

April 28, 2004

My beautiful ladies…how are you doing? Life is a whirlwind right now, isn’t it? In the midst of all this chaos, remember to “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts…” (Colossians 3:15) and “be still and know that [He] is GOD…” (Psalm 46:10).

I’ve been reading in 1 Samuel and was struck by this paragraph in Hannah’s prayer:

The LORD brings death and makes alive; he brings down to the grave and raises up. The LORD sends poverty and wealth; he humbles and he exalts. He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes and has them inherit a throne of honor. For the foundations of the earth are the LORD’s; upon them he has set the world. He will guard the feet of his saints, but the wicked will be silenced in darkness.

It is not by strength that one prevails. (1 Sam. 2:6-9)

The LORD is over all the earth; what makes me think He’s not over me?

Or that He needs help guiding my life?

All He asks is that we be faithful to pursue Him and surrender all. Hold your life with open hands, and He will bless you in His way and His time.

I love you girls and pray that you continue to learn to let the LORD show you His path for you. Don’t try to blaze your own trail; by your own strength, you will fail. With Christ, all things are possible!

~~~~~~~~~~~

I was reminded today that I answer to and only to Christ. My service here on this earth, no matter with what group of people or in what area, is for Christ. People will fail us; people will hurt us. People will reject us and people will neglect us.

But my God humbles and my God exalts. My God brings death and my God makes alive. My God is in charge, and He is who I serve. No matter how ugly life on earth gets, no matter how hurtful life can be, my God is greater, my God is stronger ...

And I serve Him.

Day 45 without Facebook ... was yesterday

2011-04-24T21:16:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was my last day without Facebook.

I wish I had reveled in it more.

It's funny, I feel compelled to get back on Facebook, and I'm not entirely sure why. So I can aimlessly browse the 419 friends I've slowly acquired over the over 5 years that I've been on the site? So I can share Joshua with far away family? (A good reason for sure ... but my blog has been fairly sufficient and has taken less of my time.) Is it to feel more connected to friends?

Even though, what I've learned in the last 45 days is that the feeling of connection is entirely different than real connection. Just because a person posts an update to his 327 friends, and I read it doesn't mean we are necessarily connected.

How many times have I felt like I developed a good connection to someone via Facebook, only to run into them in real life and realize--ha, still awkward small talk! Still pretty much strangers! Still long death pauses where we are both probably wishing we could whip out our phones, open our FB app, and post statuses about uncomfortable social interactions.

How many times have I thought I was fairly good friends with a person, just to realize I'm out of touch with them because I missed status updates because my home feed got messed up, or clogged with all of my other friends' updates? Come to find out, I'm up to date on some peoples' lives not necessarily because they specifically want me to be an integral part of their life. No, I'm just one of the many on Facebook.

Now, is any of this inherently bad? Of course not! Facebook is a useful tool for doing just what I mentioned above--shouting thoughts to hundreds of people at once, disseminating information about one's life quickly and efficiently--with the click of a button. It connects far away family and long lost friends ... but at what cost?

When I'm on Facebook, it envelops me. I truly got jitters and felt sick when the Lord laid it on my heart to break from Facebook for Lent. I honestly thought I could not do it--it is my window to the world, the vehicle for a large percentage of my "connection" throughout the day.

But I did it.

And I realized some stuff. With Facebook and it's false sense of connection (or okay, it's unique and different form of connection that should not and never will replace true connection) I find myself lamenting my lack of friends, and swirling around in the loneliness of hours upon hours of almost purely cyber-connection.

Guess what? I have friends.

The last 45 days without my 419 FB friends taught me that.

And I'll be frank--it's not like I instead spent my "former FB time" with God. There were many days I simply--humanly--chose to fill my time differently, and still neglected my Father. So, no--Facebook is not the only enemy. There are many.

Surprisingly (for me), after the initial withdrawal period, I rarely missed it.

Oh, when I heard exciting news (usually via Erik who did not give up FB during this time) and realized I'd missed the chance to add a pithy comment on a friend's status, I was a little sad.
And there were moments the technology for uploading photo and videos on Blogger drove me nuts and almost had me running for my Facebook log in. For sure I had times where I just wanted to mindlessly zone out and "connect" with "friends".

But all in all, it took as much effort to log back into Facebook today as it did to deactivate my account 45 days ago. This was a good exercise for me--I do not need Facebook to survive. In fact, it helped me remember who my "real" friends are--my true connection, the people I do life with.

Please don't get me wrong--I love keeping up with people from all the days of my life. It's fun! But it's time consuming. And so I have committed to trimming my "Friend list" down (please do not take it personally if I removed you .... It's not you, it's me. Really!) I've committed to at least trying to use Facebook for the tool it is--and not the obsession is has become.

So, a big thank you to the season of Lent for this opportunity to realize that

I do have "flesh and blood" friends,

I do enjoy spending my time other ways,

I am less stressed with my son when I'm not trying to browse FB while he's wanting to play,

I am capable of giving something up,

and I am more than my Facebook page.

Dear Joshua: You Little Person You

2011-04-13T09:47:00.000-06:00

Joshua, you are walking!

I absolutely cannot believe how incredibly

impossibly

adorable

you are when you find your legs, steady yourself, and toddle across the floor, with a smile plastered on your face that says,

"Mommy Mommy look! I'm so proud of myself! I'm coming to get you!"

Baby boy, Mommy loves you. You look like an ape when you walk, and I love it. You love showing your teeth when you babble authoritatively, and I love it. You grab my legs and rub your face when you're tired, and I love it. You shake with insane amounts of joy when you see someone you love and I love it.

Joshua Nelson Lindeen, Mama loves you--you little walking man!

Cousins Cousins Cousins!

2011-04-13T09:30:00.000-06:00

Joshua and Katelyn--exactly 6 months apart

Samuel, age 5 here, once said, "I wish Joshua was my brother."

Josh may be the first on my side, but he make grandkid #8 on Erik's side!

We love cousins!

Elias, 7 here, making Joshua a Vikings fan already!

Serenity, 3 here, is such a sweetie!

Abby (5) and Lydia (2) love baby Josh!

Fall in Minnesota! Oldest cousin Ethan (9 here) taking care of Josh.

Uncle Jordan's a natural! :)

Josh loves Renny!

Josh loves the camera!

Renny, you're such a good picture taker!

LOVE Josh's face here ... like, "Why is she smiling again?!"


Grandad and his boys, Samuel, Elias, Ethan and Joshua

Being a Woman is Confusing

2011-04-06T22:20:00.000-06:00

Ever shopped for underwear?

Kill me now. 

Top of the "hate to shop for" list for many women is:

Shopping for bras.
Shopping for swimsuits.
Shopping for jeans.

I now have a number 4--shopping for underwear.

I was at Gap Body.

For like, 35 minutes. Paralyzed at a shelf of brightly colored underwear, incapable of deciding which cut of "panty" I wanted.

I don't know! I just want it to fit!

I dug, and read tags, and asked my sister, and listened to my mom's advice, and hemmed and hawed ... for 35 minutes. 35 minutes! I'm pretty sure the employee (who was nearby the whole time, and never once offered clarifying assistance ...) thought I was at least slightly crazy. Or at least overly dramatic. The latter would be correct, of course.

Do I want hipster? or girl short? or tanga? (what the heck is tanga?) or thong? or high cut? or bikini? and if I want bikini, do I want teeny bikini? or low rise bikini? or ultra low rise bikini?! and what IS the difference?!?!?

And don't even get me started on colors, patterns and fabrics.

why is underwear shopping so hard?

Well, it's not like if you make the wrong decision you can return the product.

You're STUCK with it. For-ev-er.

My drawer is full of ill-purchased panties that aren't what I expected.

*Sigh*

The drama of being a woman ...

A Day with Auntie Tara

2011-04-01T23:56:00.000-06:00

Another video!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMTiIAegi9k

I love that my sister Tara came to visit this weekend! Seeing as I live near my parents, I never get to host my siblings overnight. Currently, though, my parents are in Florida, so Tara got to sleep at Josh and my house! Yea! We had a great day, allowing Joshua to "remember" and get accustomed to Auntie Tara. We played, and ate, and went to Target, and picked out birthday gifts, and ate Mexican food, and rode a train, and played on a playground ... Good times with Auntie Tara. Enjoy the video capturing our day!

Step by Step by Step!!!

2011-03-31T12:48:00.000-06:00

Ahhh, what a day to be off Facebook. I want to share this with the WORLD!!!! Joshua has been taking more and more steps each day, and trying more and more ... here he is taking the most steps yet! and I CAUGHT IT ON FILM!!!!!!! Only a few days into his 11th month--way to go Joshua!

Entitlement Thinking and My Abs

2011-03-28T19:22:00.000-06:00

It dawned on me tonight:

I struggle with entitlement thinking.

If you're not sure what entitlement thinking is, just picture yourself thinking you deserve something simply, well, because. Entitlement thinking is the opposite of humility, hard work and determination.

Still having trouble?

Well, here's a perfect example.

Entitlement thinking picture: Me, 11 months after having a baby, expecting to have rock hard abs and a trim waistline.

Reasonable you say? With hard work and determination and discipline, sure. But ask me how many sit ups I do a day--go ahead, ask me.

ZERO.

6 out of the 7 days a week, I probably do ZERO sit ups, crunches, leg lifts--you name it, I don't do it. And then I look down, and, in a completely surprised and aghast tone, I say, "What?? Why is my stomach not flat??" "How dare my muscles fail me like this!"

To be fair, once in a blue moon I pull out my TurboJam "Ab Jam" or my Brazil Butt Lift "Tummy Tuck" --but twice a month doesn't cut it.

And then my entitlement thinking sets in.

"I should still have a flat stomach!" "It's in my genes!" "I never had to work at it before!" "I was a gymnast for 10 years--doesn't that count for anything?!"

You should hear me; it's ridiculous. As if being a gymnast for 10 years 14 years ago has any weight on my muscle tone now. Post pregnancy. With no diet and rarely a sit up.

Rid-ic-cu-lous.

And so, here I sit, with my non-rock hard abs, and my opposite of flat stomach ... and I blog. With my "Tummy Tuck" DVD right next to me.

Kudos to me, I forced myself to do 15 crunches when playing on the floor with Josh a few hours ago. To even be sore tomorrow, I'd need to do like, 200.

So not going to do that tonight.

Yippee--go me.

:)

Joshua today

2011-03-27T16:39:00.000-06:00

Joshua: A Glimpse of an 11 month old

2011-03-24T20:17:00.000-06:00

A day in the life of Joshua .. just a couple little glimpses. What a goofy goober!

Joshua at Bedtime

2011-03-24T19:45:00.000-06:00

Love Love LOVE those thighs!

Hi Mom!

Wow. Cool robe.

REACH!!

Hot outfit Dude.

Joshua loves to pull ALL the books off the shelf!

More and more, he's starting to look at books by himself. So cute!

The Benefit of my Laziness

2011-03-21T10:08:00.004-06:00

I've been "reading" a book for a while now. I put reading in quotations because I've read it off and on since August. It's only 194 pages; you'd think I would have finished it by now. But, being the way I am, unless it's a novel, I rarely even finish a book. I tend to get bored about 1/3 of the way through.

For whatever reason, I've continued to push through this book. (And We Are Changed by Priscilla Shirer)

It's a good book, and I'm glad I've read it, albeit very slowly.

But I do believe today I benefited from my laziness.

Life has thrown me some curve balls in the last few months, and I'm trying to keep my head above water. For whatever reason, the changes coming at us are challenging me more than I ever expected. There's nothing I can do to avoid the coming changes, and I often feel hurt and confused. With the wise words of my sister-in-law marching through my mind, I'm daily trying to

"in my frustration, avoid sin".

It's not easy.

And then today, on a whim, I dug this book out of the pile that sits collecting dust next to my favorite chair. I wanted to read a different book, but I feel strangely obligated to finish this one first.

Here are some phrases and thoughts I underlined today:

"When life gets painful, don't hang your head in despair. Look up. Keep your eyes open for the next move of God. He is preparing you for something big. Your heavenly Father's next move is...

More radical than your terrifying crisis ...

more stunning that your devastating pain ...

more powerful than your overwhelming circumstances ...

more miraculous than your wildest imagination.

God's next move is awesome, and He is preparing you to receive it. You must now position yourself to change paths."

"... Our task is not to spend our time looking at the circumstances but rather to look up--to turn our attention to the Lord."

"...don't stare at the heartache and the hurt. Position yourself for change by looking up!"

"We need to make sure that in these times when we feel most vulnerable, we are carefully making wise choices. We must look upward to see what the Lord would have us do and what He is trying to teach us so that we can make the right decision."

"When you and I are saddened by life's trials, it is acceptable to be sad, upset, and even angry, but it is not acceptable to allow these emotions to overtake and control us. This is precisely what the devil wants. You do not have to be consumed with bitterness, fear, sadness, or depression ... you can choose a different emotional path."

These are words I desperately needed to read. And listen to. And so, though I feel like an incredible loser for taking more than 8 months to read a 194 page book, I am pretty sure God worked in and through my laziness and spoke to me this morning.

I can't control what's happening. I can't talk it away, obsess it away, or charm it in a different direction.

I can allow my emotions to dictate my days, choose to tear myself and my relationships apart, and let Satan and my own selfish desires get a foothold in my heart.

Or, I can "choose a different emotional path" and "look up."

I think that's just what I'll choose to do.

A Beautiful Day with a Wonderful Boy

2011-03-19T14:54:00.000-06:00

9 teenagers and a 10 month old

2011-03-17T20:06:00.001-06:00

Every other Sunday night, we welcome 11 teenagers into our home for dinner and discipleship class AKA The Furnace.

I feed them dinner, while also feeding Joshua. The teens are great with Joshua, and he thrives in this social, crazy environment. (He's actually more scared of children his own age than of teens. Does this tell us something about who with and where we spend the bulk of our time??) Erik and I entertain, discuss life, ask questions, wipe dirty fingers (Josh's, of course), get refills, grab napkins, prepare Bible study, change diapers (again, Josh's...) ...

It's chaos in real time. It's craziness defined. It's a normal person's vision of ludicrous-ness.

I. Love. It.


(L-R, skipping Erik) Wil (Senior), Drew (Senior), Jose (Freshman), Stephanie (Junior), Matthew (Senior), Charlene (Freshman), Casey (Senior), Jessica AKA Mackey (Junior), Bethany (Sophomore), Me (feeling old). Not pictured: Samantha (Junior) and John (Freshman).

I love that we can meld together so many unique personalities and come up with something so beautifully hilarious. These kids bring such joy to my life (and some drama, which is good for me, I guess ...)

I love that Matthew just randomly spouts off an impersonation of Jesus, as he quotes Scripture to the group.

I love that Drew almost physically forces Jose and Wil to publicly give thanks for something Drew had done for them earlier--and somehow gets laughs while doing it.

I love how Jose's face lights up when he shares that his "high" of the week was getting an iPod touch.

I love that, for all of Stephanie's subtle (and not so subtle) sarcasm and her attempts to appear cooly rebellious, she always has her homework done for class and is actually quite responsible. ;)

I love that Wil, in his own quietly funny way, will answer a question with surprising wisdom, but almost always caps it off with "... um ... yeah ......."

I love that my sister Charlene can hold her own with a group she's not with very often, and actual shows some surprising wit. She gets it all from me, of course.

I love that Casey, a superb student, read the wrong book (Luke instead of James) but instead of being mortified or defensive, she just uses every opportunity to remind us of how much Luke has to offer ... When we talked about how James writes that Satan is the tempter, not God, she interjects that Satan tempts Jesus ... in Luke. On other topics, she'd say ... "It says that too ... in Luke." and to top it all off, she actually tried to convince us to assign Luke for next time ... "Can we read Luke for next time?", she suggests, with a sly smile. Casey Casey Casey --you sure make me smile.

I love that Mackey, for as quiet as she can be, is actually quite goofy and random. Sometimes others might forget she's there, so quiet is she on the couch taking everything in. But I never forget ... and when I'm able to draw her out, her quirky nature and good hearted humor lift my spirits.

I love that Bethany isn't scared to question status quo, and often speaks up with a depth that still surprises me ... always good for thought provoking moments that one is.

What would I do without these teens, who challenge me to know my stuff, walk my talk, and remember to live a little in this life? What a blessing to welcome this group, and others, into my life, and into my home for the time being. I pray this is something I'm always able to do, no matter where life may take me.

My Life is Bejeweled--not Bedazzled.

2011-03-17T19:20:00.001-06:00

I recently downloaded the game "Bejeweled" to my Blackberry.

I love it.

It has been a rough few weeks, and "Bejeweled" has been a mind numb-er for me. Good or bad, I've been allowing it.

Today was no exception.

Joshua, just about to hit 11 months, has discovered The Tantrum. Complete with laying face down on the floor and shrieking. Good times. Good times.

I just "re-entered" from a two day trip to Vegas. Good times. Good times.

Big questions loom in our future, with no clear cut answers coming anytime soon. Good times. Good times.

And so I play "Bejeweled".

Just now, as I sat in my favorite chair and mindlessly played the game,
I kept getting stuck on one level. "No moves!" the screen would shout,
and I'd try again. "No moves!"

You know it has been an emotionally charged few hours when I begin to choke up and shed tears because the stupid cell phone game is yelling at me, "No moves!"

And then it hit me--this is my life right now.

I feel like I have "no moves". And I'm not talking about my dance skills at Jazzercise.

My life, in many ways, is dictated by other peoples' decisions. Other peoples' choices. Other peoples' agendas.

And I have no moves.

I can whine and vent and scream and compile and push and prod and encourage and ask and request ....

But at the end of the day, I have no moves. It's out of my hands. There's nothing I can do.

I can pray, and wait, and seek ... but we all know that knowing that, and being patient through the process are two very different things.

At least with "Bejeweled" I can quit the game. Sometimes I wish I could quit the game in life too. Just throw up my hands and walk away. I don't want to face the challenge, I don't want to be refined. I just want to turn off the cell phone, and find something else to do.

As it is with life, when playing "Bejeweled", I often power through, determinedly forcing myself to keep on keeping on ... only to finally reach the next level and instead of finding relief and triumph, I feel an overwhelming sense of fatigue and discouragement.

This level looks mightily like the last ...

and it only gets tougher from here on out.

Vegas Baby! (or ... Daddy ... ?)

2011-03-14T21:55:00.007-06:00

Today I flew into Vegas. First time ever--Vegas Baby!

Except, I spent the evening with my Dad. :)

I am speaking for Verizon Wireless tomorrow morning, and my Dad happened to be here speaking at a restaurant franchisee conference this evening. So, we had a daddy-daughter date. On the strip.

Definitely not how one pictures seeing Vegas!

I grabbed a taxi and caught the last half of my Dad's session in a ballroom at the Monte Carlo Hotel. This was my first time entering a Vegas "hotel"--more like, mall with lots and lots of gambling. This is so NOT your mother's Holiday Inn Express.

I was on the elevator alone. For whatever reason, I forgot to push the button for level 2. So, I zoomed from level 1 to level 10. Silly me.

Stopped at level 10--enter dude with sunglasses and flip flops.
Stopped at level 8--enter business guy with outdated tie.
Stopped at level 7--enter Texas cowboys, complete with large belt buckles and boots.
Stopped at level 6--enter family of three from Scotland, no Ireland, no Vancouver. That's exactly how the nine year old girl explained it to me. In the most ador-ab-le accent ever.
Stopped at level 4--enter white haired man with full suit, tie and boutonniere.
Stopped at level 3--doors open to reveal 4 Spanish children, ages 2-4, crawling on their bellies yelling "Save me! Shark! Ah! Save me!" Thankfully, the parents waved us on and the doors closed.
Stopped at level 2--little tiny business woman (AKA ME) steps out, wondering where in the world she is that she can encounter such a mixture of people .... ah yes--Vegas Baby.

So, I caught the last half of my Dad's session, smiled at some clients, was treated to dinner at Outback by my Dad, listened to his stories, grabbed another cab to my hotel (The Signature Towers at the MGM Grand) and am now staring out over the pool at the glittery lights of Vegas. Baby. Or Daddy ....

Dinner with my Dad

View during dinner

My first experience in Vegas, was with my Dad. Pretty fun, pretty grateful I have him.

And pretty grateful Erik is coming tomorrow. :) Vegas Baby!

Dear Joshua: Where'd you learn that?!

2011-03-12T13:43:00.000-07:00

It's so amazing to be a mom, and watch this little person develop right before your eyes. How many times a day does Joshua do something, and I'm like, "What? Where'd you learn that??" The noises he makes, the facial expressions he throws our way, the movements, the obsessions, the mischievousness ... every day is a bundle of surprises with the Little Buddy.

He cracks me up. I find myself with sore abs, not because I'm working out so hard (ha.) but because I'm laughing so hysterically, with great awe and appreciation, at my son, who is a little ham.

Dear Joshua, you make Mommy smile. You make me laugh. You make me cry--with joy. In spite of the obsession with being held by me (which, as frustrating and draining as it is, is pretty darn heart warming and adorable ...) and in spite of your drool, and dirty face, and banana-crusted hair, I can't imagine my days without you.

Yes, it's hard to get stuff done when you are constantly clawing at my knees, or hanging onto my pants. Yes, it's draining and tiring that you still like to see me at least two times during the nighttime. And yes, getting out the door on time is a whole new endeavor, especially when, somehow, EV-ER-Y single time, you get a hold of my keys and won't let go.

But also yes, I love you. Yes, I'd never ever regret YOU. I will take every struggle, every stage, every tantrum, because I know these moments are overwhelmed by the moments of smiles, and cuddles, and exhilarated play, and fascinating discovery, and laughter, and constant pointing and joyous screams, and unadulterated glances of love. You love me--and it's amazing to know that my love can continue to grow and swell each and every day. I will never tire of you, Little Buddy. You are my joy!

Day One without Facebook

2011-03-10T18:52:00.000-07:00

I knew it was an obsession.

I knew it was a time waster.

But wow--I didn't know it was an actual addiction.

Yesterday I decided to give up Facebook for Lent. I started today. Half way through the day.

Please, let me tell you how many times I've thought, "Oo! Status update" and reached for my laptop or phone.

Or, on some sort of creepy autopilot, I'd find myself directing my computer mouse toward the shortcut for Facebook on my browser. It's no longer there, so often today I clicked on the "Picnik" shortcut that is now in that spot.

When I walked to the gym and was enjoying the glorious Colorado sun, I wanted to post.

When Josh grinned and giggled and pointed for a full five minutes at my TEETH of all things, I wanted to post.

When my Dad offered to change Joshua, and I got to sit and listen to them giggle and shout and play from the next room, I wanted to post.

When Tasha and I played with Josh on the tramp, and Joshua got scared of my parents' horse, I wanted to post.

When I discovered that Josh loves BBQ pork and peas, I wanted to post.

When I was bored and tired of sifting through emails and chasing clients, I wanted to browse.

When I was procrastinating on drafting a document, I wanted to stare mindlessly at the home feed.

When I was wondering what Erik, my husband who I should be connected to in other ways, was up to, I wanted to search his page.

How sick IS this?

Very. Very very sick.

And so, I take a break. We'll just see if I'm even missed in the FB world when I'm gone ... or if I miss it that much at all.

Who AM I and why am I at Jazzercise???

2011-03-06T21:22:00.000-07:00

I still can't believe it happened.

I attended a Jazzercise class on Friday morning.

Jazzercise. And me. Me and Jazzercise.

It kinda feels like a dream.

My mom purchased some vouchers through one of those "daily deal" emails that comes every day. (Side note: those businesses are cropping up EV-ER-Y-WHERE. And I spend way too much money on supposed "deals" that I never would have spent money on if the "deal" hadn't shown up in my inbox that morning .... Someone had a rather bright idea to make some cash. End sidenote.)

So, we went. To Jazzercise.

Pretty sure I was the youngest woman there.

Pretty sure I've never seen so many different types of flowery work-out apparel.

Pretty sure the rather elderly lady next to me was wearing ear plugs.

Pretty sure I'm not sure why ... ??

I picked up the routines quickly, and had a grand time people watching. Or, be-hind watching, since I was at the back of the group and could really only stare at 17 different ladies' derrieres for 55 minutes.

At one point--no joke--one lady can be-boppin' in with a terry cloth headband, a baggy sweathshirt, gray leggings ... and peeking out below the hem of the sweatshirt, I actually saw, get this--a navy blue leotard. OVER the gray leggings. This high energy, Jazzercise lover must have been over 55.

Moral of the story? Life lesson for me?

One would do well to turn off the BeachBody DVD, which contains perfectly sculpted L.A. blondes with hourglass figures and washboard abs, and instead high tail it over to the local Jazzercise class.

Why?

These are real women. Women who have jobs, and families, and have given birth, and ate too many Girl Scout cookies last night. These women struggle to fit exercise into their days, they struggle to fit into size 10 jeans, and they struggle to do more than 20 sit ups.

But these are real women. I've never felt so good about myself when working out. I've never felt so ... normal. I didn't compare myself to anyone (or anyone's abs). (Well, I must admit--there was this cute little lady, probably 60, in front of me with the tiniest little waist and great deltoids. But beyond that ... no comparing.)

I just enjoyed working out. To good music. With a bunch of ladies I've never met, but ended up feeling camaraderie with. So, here's to Jazzercise--may I continue to learn the difference between a box step and sashay, and burn some calories while I do it.

Stranger Things Have Happened ... Musings on MySpace, high school, red wine and strong coffee.

2011-02-27T00:04:00.000-07:00

Tonight I step out of my comfort zone--the land west of HWY 85--and stepped into a place I try not to go very often: Brighton, CO.

I guess I'm there almost every Monday to pick up my three sisters from school. But I drive my parents' car, zoom up Buckley, zip west on Southern, grab two of them and high tail it east on Southern, snag the other, and get outta town as fast as possible.

Why?

I have no idea.

Ever since I left for college, I've avoided Brighton.

Again, why?

Again, I have no idea.

Well, I have some ideas.

Seriously, what is it with high school? It is really such a short time in our lives as a whole, but oh the impact that it makes. And I had a great high school experience--good friends, nice boyfriend, great drama and choir programs ... successful overall. So what's the big deal about delving back into that circle?

I'm sure I'm remembered as aloof, self righteous, pretty quiet, and somewhat dramatic.

And guess what--it's probably because I am. I was, and I still am. Difference is, now I've recognized it, and I'm okay with it.

As I sat tonight with a friend and chatted quietly (covering topics as different as God and wine, MySpace [and why we both have an inability to let go of our profiles, even though we don't use it, can't remember our log ins and haven't changed our picture in years!!] and my Mom's strong coffee), I mentioned to her that, here I was again, probably appearing aloof. And she said, "Well, we are!"

High school shapes us. It begins to define us--either for good or for bad. I'm sure there are people who have strong memories of me--for good or for bad. Some people probably don't even remember me at all. Some people remember me as "the short girl who had a wheely backpack", some more might know me as Michael's older sister and most people probably remember me as "Conor's girlfriend".

But that's not who I am--and I think that's why it's so hard to go back to Brighton. I'm not who I was--and I'm definitely not the person people remember me to be.

It's good to go back and break the barrier--to realize that we all just want to connect, to relive fond memories, and share new experiences. So, here's to a new me--a me who (hopefully) doesn't get a knot in her stomach every time she makes a run to Brighton.

Unexpected Moments

2011-02-11T08:10:00.000-07:00

As usual, Joshua started moaning and requesting food around 6am this morning. I decided I was going to make him wait (in my continued futile attempt to teach any sort of schedule) until 6:15am. So, I actually went downstairs, made coffee, turned on the fireplace, put the big white blanket over the coffee table so hopefully Josh forgets the fun drawers and stops slamming his fingers ... and I went upstairs to get my son. I flicked on the light, said good morning and gave him a huge hug. He coughed and sniffled (yet another cold) and I fed him. I must have dozed off, because a while later I woke to find Josh asleep in my lap. Back asleep? What? NICE! I carefully placed him in his crib ... and then the battle began.

Should Mommy go back to bed and catch some much needed shut eye?
OR
Should Mommy curl up in her favorite chair, fuel her body with too much caffeine, and spend some much needed time with God?

Well, thank you Joshua for sleeping a long time--I got to do both! I rested for 15 minutes, and then got to read my Bible, journal my prayers, complete a lesson on Esther for bible study, and read a chapter in And We Are Changed, a book by Priscilla Shirer that I've been working on for, oh, about 6 months. (PS Great book!! Highly recommend it, and will hopefully post a blog/review on it soon. Or someday. Maybe.)

My soul is so refreshed. Since marriage, I've struggled to carve out that time for God everyday. In high school and college, I would almost always read a passage and journal at bedtime. Something about marriage--staying up later to spend time with Erik, having to get up early, sharing a bedroom and bed with someone else--has caused me to allow that standard time to fade. When I worked at the university, I would often sit in my favorite chair in the mornings--after showering, while I drank my coffee--but since working for my Dad, and since having Joshua ... I sleep til the last possible second and then stumble out of bed, hurriedly catch up on any business emails, and start my day chasing my son with a coffee cup glued to my side.

Maybe if Josh consistently woke at a certain time each day I could get myself to wake 30 minutes before him ...
Maybe if I set a purposeful "work/email" schedule, I could discipline myself to ignore email for 20 minutes and soak in the word instead.
Maybe if I could just get ready for bed half an hour earlier and dedicate that time to the Lord ..

Maybe if, maybe when, maybe someday ... Why is it so hard for me to take a minute or two, walk away from email, realize that Facebook is not urgent, stop worrying about the cleaning, and choose to spend some time with the Source of my strength, peace, joy and LIFE?

I know I'm not alone--and I'm trying hard not to judge myself too harshly. But truly, I know I need time with God--why don't I take it?

But for now, I'm grateful for the moments I had this morning. For today, I made a good choice. Tomorrow is a whole new day--and we'll see what transpires.

TED talk: Glad I watched

2011-02-06T11:37:00.001-07:00

Three weeks ago, my pastor sent me a link to a TED talk, saying that I might be interested.

Today I finally took the time to watch it.

He had said he was hooked by 8 minutes in.

At two minutes in, I was intrigued enough to keep watching.

At five minutes in, with a chart depicting love over time for offspring, I was hooked.

At nine minutes in, when Alisa shared about her miscarriage, I was bonded.

She speaks for the feeling a failure a woman feels, the fear for conceiving again, and the discovery of the "secret society of women" who had been there. She was speaking my language when she spoke of miscarriage as an "invisible loss" with no community support. If you walked with me through the journey of infertility, you know I've railed against this. I remember being so angry that the death of my child, albiet unborn and only a few weeks past conception, didn't warrant a day off from work. I was to use a "sick" day to grieve the life of my child. I'm sorry--is miscarriage a sickness? And inferitility itself--I wasn't "sick", so there was no need for delivered meals, or offers of help. I was still able, and available, and successful ... but was dying inside, month after month after month. I remember telling a friend how lonely the journey of infertility is. I remember it, and I pray to God never to have to walk that road again. But if I do, I resolve to continue to speak out, speak up and stop the silence surrounding the pain of waiting for a child.

I digress.

I started watching this TED talk this morning, purely because I don't like to say I'll do something and then not do it.

Today, I'm quite grateful for that trait in me that doesn't allow me to ignore another's suggestion.

So thanks, Steve, for sending it. It was refreshing to watch, fun to listen to, and thought provoking to blog about.

Let's talk parenting taboos: Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman | Video on TED.com

Miss

2011-02-03T20:20:00.000-07:00

Man, I miss blogging.

Writing.

Creating.

I took it for granted when I had bunches of time--and mental energy--to do so.

And now, well, I think about it almost daily ... but rarely carve out the time.

So for now, I'll just wallow in my missing of blogging ... hopefully someday I'll get back to blogging. My long lost love ...

The Word

2011-01-23T09:53:00.000-07:00

My goodness. Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself. Isn't it incredible how hypocritical we can be? Sometimes I'm just shocked at the things I hear coming out of my mouth. Things like,

It's so important to be in the Word every day--even if it's just for a few minutes.

It's so simple--just set aside a couple of minutes and pray!

Talk to God as you go about your life--pray while you cook, clean, drive!

Memorize Scripture--it's so crucial to our ability to get through the day.

But seriously, Kristin, when was the last time you really did any of this??? I've probably relied too much on the "just pray throughout your day" and neglected to set aside purposeful time with God.

I just sat down and read Colossians. And I chose to read it straight through, and out loud. I LOVE LOVE reading the Bible out loud. First of all, it helps me focus. Second of all, it just makes the text come alive! To hear Paul's tone, and inflection, and humor, and passion ... At the end of the book, as I read Paul's final words, tears sprung in my eyes because I truly heard his voice, and felt his love and concern for the people of Colosse--and for me.

So my challenge to you is:

Sit down.
Pick up your Bible.
Choose a book (probably a short one :])
Read it straight through, and out loud.
And praise God for His Word.

Olive Garden

2011-01-20T19:50:00.000-07:00

So, I was at Olive Garden this week.

Twice.

Two VERY different experiences ...

Monday night I was included in a "Moms' Night Out" with a group of ladies from church. We all looked our best--I actually did my eye make up and blow dried my hair--laughed a lot, talked about nursing and exercise, and poopy diapers. The bartender, who served us while we waited for our table, seemed happy to have us around.

Fast forward to Thursday evening.

I walk into Olive Garden, this time in work out clothes (though I was nice enough to change my sweats for jeans, and squirt some perfume. Hey--at least I tried.) This time, I have a 9 month old on my hip--who's still in his sleeper, mind you, from the night before--a diaper bag dangling from my shoulder, hair swept into a messy pony tail, and dried baby food crusted to my fingernails. Instead of other care free young Moms my age, this time I'm with my parents (carefree and wonderful as they are, probably not as exciting for the bartender) and my three teenaged sisters. (Too young for the bartender.)

Said bartender from Monday night catches my eye. Recognition, and slight confusion, floats across his face. I caught his eye back, smiled, and turned to focus on my son, thinking how strange it is to have these seemingly different personas.

And talk about a different evening! Instead of browsing the menu, relaxing in my chair, and sharing antics of Joshua with my friends, I rescued Blackberrys, hid knives, picked up bread, pushed away water glasses, untangled spaghetti noodles, cut up tomato, wiped messes, and never relaxed once in my seat. All while conversing with my family and attempting to feed myself.

Two very different evenings. One fabulous life.

BIG decision

2011-01-20T19:08:00.000-07:00

Which photos should I print and hang on our dining room wall??? Vote in the poll for your fav ... I'll end up doing two.

Photo #1

Photo #2

Photo #3

Photo #4

A Peek into my Head

2011-01-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

As I sit here at this keyboard, I feel a little stalled. I want to blog--I really do. I know it feeds my soul, and sometimes ministers to others. I'm blessed by the impact my words have had on others throughout the years, and I would hope that God would choose to continue working through me that way.

But can He?

Oops ... scratch that. WILL He? (Because, of course, I know He CAN do whatever He chooses.)

Will He work through me?

When I'm hardly in the Word?
Barely eeking out prayers?
Discontent with parts of my life?
Exhausted and overwhelmed?
When I'm selfish and stubborn?
Critical and lazy?

Will He work through me when my life is disorganized, out of sync, swirling, whirling and possibly not in line with Him?

Will He?

Hm ... this got a little more dramatic than I meant it to. Ha--story of my life!

I'm really struggling with this whole transition to motherhood. I'm realizing that I naively thought Joshua would just fit right alongside me in my current life. That adding a baby really was just like adding an accessory--he would make me look pretty, add a taking piece to my daily life, and come along with me wherever my whims took me.

SOOOO not the case.

What was I thinking?

Did I really think I could work from home, with no outside help to watch my child?
Did I really think I could continue serving with the youth ministry in the same capacity, and that Joshua would just sleep in the corner of the youth group room on Wednesdays?
Did I really think I'd still get to the gym to work on my fitness at least 2 times a week?

Did I really think the shoes could stay by the front door, the fire place could be turned on, the cat food/water could stay on the kitchen floor, the photo books could stay on the coffee table shelf, and the computer cords could continue to dangle off the dining room table?

Words like: Organize. Prioritize. Schedule. Evaluate. Time Management. How do they make you feel? They make me want to puke. Which is ironic, because Time Management was one of my favorite seminars to teach when I was an academic advisor.

I just about died when I read my sister-in-laws FB status the other day. Something about creating yearly, monthly, weekly, daily, hourly, minutely schedules. (Okay, there's that propensity for the dramatic again. I'm pretty sure she stopped at daily ...) I read her status and immediately felt sick to my stomach. "I can't do that!" was my thought. And yet, it's quite possible, that I could.

I called said sister-in-law the other day to get advice. She is mother to 3 amazing kiddos, and somehow manages to cook, keep house, teach classes at a music school, and still have coffee here and there with friends. What the ??!! I remember saying to her something to the effect of, here I am, with college degree on top of college degree...someone who trains others on how to manage time and succeed in life ... and I can't figure out how to create and stick to any sort of schedule. AH!!! And she said lots of good stuff ... too bad I'm so caught up in my drama right now to listen very well to anyone. But I do know she said something about trying and failing and trying again. And not trying to be perfect. Hm....think she knows me at all?

I think so.

Well, this "peek in my head" turned out to be more of a stream of consciousness with no real point. Other than to let you understand how confused my head is right now. Hopefully it was semi entertaining for you ... I think I'm glad I did it. Except I gave up a quick nap to do this instead ... hmmm ... Ask me at 5pm tonight when Josh is fussy and I'm alone with him for the evening and I have a headache if I'm glad I chose blogging over napping.

A Baby Changes ... Everything!

2011-01-04T22:05:00.000-07:00

Currently, at 9:54pm, I am sitting at my dining room table and this is what I'm noticing:

Panting
Drooling
Rapid movement
Random noises
Intense focus
Bodily function noises
and a being terrorizing our cats.

Did we get a puppy? No. We have an 8 month old. Who won't stay asleep.

He didn't agree with us at 7pm when we said bedtime. Apparently he wanted to join Mommy and Daddy at their special steak dinner.
He didn't listen when Daddy said, "Sleepytime!" at 7:30 and Mommy had to come to the rescue. He gave in for a while, but decided to put up a fight again at 9, partly due to a bad cough that woke him up. Secretly, I think he knew we were watching PSYCH without and was jealous. He smelled the popcorn, I'm sure.
And now, at 9:58pm, after two more attempts at bedtime soothing and rocking, Joshua is army crawling frantically from one end of the dining room to ...

PAUSE.

Ok, I'm back. I had to do a finger swipe and retrieve what I believe to be petrified banana chunks from his mouth. I guess I should vacuum tomorrow.

Now he's sitting on Daddy's lap, reaching for the Mac and slobbering all over the table.

A baby changes everything--evening plans, dinner plans, T.V. plans, blogging plans, cleaning plans ... and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Dear Joshua: Mommy Loves Bedtime

2010-12-26T19:21:00.000-07:00

Joshua,

I absolutely love bedtime. Not because I get three-ish hours of time to myself, though that is more amazing than I ever thought possible, but because I love spending time with you in your room. I love zipping you into your sleeper, I love playing with you on the floor, I love chasing you across the room, and dragging you away from the humidifier. I love pulling you into my lap, nursing you one last time, wrapping you all warm and snuggly in a blanket. I love reading you a book, and singing "You Are My Sunshine" and "Have I Told You Lately that I Love You" while you wiggle around and suck on your fingers. I love saying "Sleepy time, Mommy loves you!" over and over and over, and I love when you bend backward in my lap to grin joyfully at Stanley the Monkey. I love saying "Dear Jesus, thank you for Joshua ... Help him to sleep! Amen!"

But most of all, I love when you heave a sigh, lay your little hand on my shoulder, and rest your cheek on your arm. Your eyes start to droop, your little red lips hang open, and you begin to drift off to sleep.

And my heart bursts with sheer joy and awe--I am a Mommy, and you are my baby boy. Forever and ever.

Mommy loves you Little Buddy! 8 months old, and more and more adorable each and every day!

2010 Christmas Letter

2010-12-20T20:37:00.001-07:00

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;

my hope comes from him. Psalm 62:5

Be at rest once more, O my soul,

for the Lord has been good to you. Psalm 116:7

2009: Brief recap! Our last Christmas letter was at the end of 2008. We were in the throes of infertility and were feeling very discouraged and depleted. The verses I listed above actually led me to get a second tattoo, and use the Hebrew word for “Rest”. That, along with my other tattoo, Hebrew word for “Hope”, were good, and sometimes hard, reminders to us on our journey. 2009 was difficult; almost every single one of our close friends gave birth to children. It seemed like we were destined to be childless until … August of 2009, we discovered God had answered our prayers and we were pregnant! The pregnancy topped off a long journey, during which we learned many lessons. I was surprised to find, however, that pregnancy didn’t make me automatically feel better. And I’m not referring to morning sickness. J I still had to struggle with God. Even though He had showed us His plan and blessed us with a pregnancy, I was dealing with residual anger and was quite confused. He was patient with me, and has since allowed me to process my journey with infertility, and continues to use my blog (www.rememberjed.blogspot.com) to be a source of hope and inspiration for dozens of women who have or are experiencing struggles. Infertility does not have to be a silent, hidden struggle! I’m humbled and honored that God would use my words and often very raw emotions to speak to others. God is good, all the time.

2010: A year of blessings and incredible change! Joshua Nelson Lindeen entered our lives 13 days early on April 22- a whole 6 lbs 13 oz. I accomplished my goal of natural childbirth—and I don’t regret it! J Josh is our joy. His smile is infectious; he’s finally learning how to sleep; he is army-crawling surprisingly fast; loves peas, bananas, and carrots, and keeps us on our toes. We are just soaking up every moment of parenthood.

ERIK loves being a father. He has often said that it’s funny- all the clichés you hear are true! It’s amazing how much love you can feel for this tiny human. Erik has now been at Discovery Christian Church in Broomfield for 3 1/2 years as the Pastor of Worship Arts and Student Ministries. He loves leading worship almost every Sunday morning, leading the Wednesday night youth ministry, and really enjoyed the opportunities he has had to preach on a few Sunday mornings. One of Erik's highlights this year was planning and running a Fall Retreat for the teens from Discovery and another local church. Discovery sent 42 adults and teens on the retreat and saw 10 students give their lives to Christ and one student feel called into full time ministry! It was a great weekend and definitely a highlight in his 10 years of doing ministry.

Another highlight was finally getting a smart phone this summer. He loves his iPhone 4! (Maybe a little too much in Kristin's opinion). Erik also saved his pennies from teaching guitar and bought himself a Gibson Les Paul Standard, a guitar he has wanted for over 12 years. Erik's five guitars often take over our dining room, but I guess that's what you get when you are married to a musician!

KRISTIN I absolutely love being Josh’s mom. The last 7 months have been the most exhilarating and exhausting months ever. J I love my son to pieces, and still breathe thanks to the Lord everyday for allowing me the incredible opportunity to be a mom. I waited so long for this … and it’s more than I ever dreamed it could be. I still work for my Dad at QBQ, Inc. Learning to balance working from home with ministry, family, friends, and now a baby has been a bit of a challenge—one that I’m still working on. But I am forever grateful for a job that allows me such flexibility! I still do a fair amount of traveling, so Erik and Josh get to spend good quality time together while Mommy is away. I’m into my third year of mentoring a group of girls at church. Three of these girls have stuck with me since Fall of 2008, while two joined our group last year. I’m thrilled to be able to do life with these young ladies, and pray that I can make a lasting impact in their lives for Christ.

Joy and love to you and yours! With love and in awe of God’s goodness,

The Lindeens

1/4 Life Crisis

2010-12-15T13:20:00.002-07:00

Erik labeled it: my quarter life crisis. It's here.

I'm told it's fairly normal for a new mom to go through this. I'm told that I'll figure out, that things will become clear.

All I can do is hope that that's true!

I love what I do--speaking on QBQ! www.QBQ.com--and it's a great job that allows me to do what I love and am good at, while staying home with Joshua. I've been doing it for 2 1/2 years, and have learned a lot.

But I'm starting to get the itch. What itch you say? The itch to speak on my own content. The desire to have something that's mine.

Problem: I have no ideas.
Other problem: I'm not an entrepreneur/idea/vision person.

So, here I sit, with the desire to "make something of myself" or whatever, but no ideas on how to do it, or what to make it out of.

Now that the "itch" has arrived, perhaps the ideas will come ... I just hope it's not another 2 1/2 years.

Honking Mom, Giggling Boy

2010-12-05T19:05:00.000-07:00

I just spent a full 7 minutes giggling with my son. All out laughing. If I used the acronym "LOL", I would use it here. But to be honest, I dislike that acronym. I've used it once--literally once--in my whole life. For some reason, I just don't like it. But I digress...

As I said, I just spent a good long while laughing with Josh. He was splayed out across my lap, and we were chilling in the rocking chair in his room. Yesterday, he discovered that Mommy has white, shiny things in her mouth that click when she moves her lips. For some reason, these things (aka my teeth) are extremely amusing. Josh loves prying my lips apart with his index finger for a look at my pearly whites. And if I give him a toothy grin and click my jaws together, I am delighted with his hysterical laughter. Then, tonight, while we were doing this, Josh noticed that I had something else in my mouth--green, chewy and minty. GUM. Oh boy .... I blew a few bubbles for him, but it didn't bring laughter. He turned on his serious face and studied and studied and studied. He was entranced with my gum. Randomly, I "honked". I quite quietly, and in a normal voice, said, "Honk, honk!" Gone was the serious face, and instead, joyous giggles. I would say "Honk Honk Honk" in my normal voice, and he would erupt in giggles. This went on for probably 5 minutes, which for a kid who gets hiccups after two giggles, is a super long time!

What a thrill--an honor really--for me to sit with my child, and laugh myself silly. I ended up with sore cheeks and a side ache.

It was glorious!

And then, to top it off, he hiccuped and spew regurgitated milk all over my shoulder.

And I said, "Honk Honk Honk" and he giggled some more. :)