Behind the Smile

warning: brutal honesty below. read @ own risk.

I just can't do it anymore.

If one more pregnant woman complains about her morning sickness, I am going to scream.

If one more pregnant lady makes a face about the pooch on her belly, I am going to punch a wall.

If one more stupid person says, "At least you know you can get pregnant!", I am going to run away.

After screaming at and punching said stupid person.

If the knot in my stomach doesn't unwind and the pain in my heart doesn't lessen, I am going to die.

Stop telling me to trust.
Stop telling me to hope.
Stop telling me I'm young.
Stop telling me there's a plan.

Just Stop.

If you don't know what to say, just leave me to my grief. Just shut up and leave me alone. Don't look at me with pity, but don't ignore me either.

Basically, you can't do anything right, so just stop. And be prepared for me to bite your head off anyway.

Or cry. Or scream.

Punch a wall and run away.

He is "I AM" ... No Matter What I Ask.

As a blogger, if I can really call myself that, I tend to mull over my blogs for a few days before I actually form them into words that appear on this screen. For a few days now, I've been percolating ... the next blog was going to be titled "Life's Not Fair ... Kristin--get over it." See, I have this incredibly deep seeded belief that life should be fair. I'm sure it comes from my childhood, though I can't really tell you how. Perhaps a psychologist could.

The blog was going to list all the ways life should be fair, but isn't.

You know, like how it's not fair that Erik and I have been trying for 2 years to get pregnant, and still don't have a child.

It's not fair that husbands and new daddies get deployed overseas.

Or like how a close friend of mine lost another pregnancy.

It's not fair that some are out of work and can't find a job.

Or like how it's not fair that I've had to start over mentally on this "trying to conceive journey" but that doesn't mean I can forget the first year and a half of trying, even though it didn't really count.

I could list a million ways that life isn't fair ... but what good would that do?

That was going to be the title of the blog, but please notice: It's Not.

Last night, I was at a TobyMac concert. In the midst of all of the crazy jumping, fist pumping and lyric screaming, I had a moment with God. It wasn't a loud moment, or a dramatic moment, but it hit me hard.

Singing along to "Lose my Soul", I suddenly realized I was singing these words:

"All eyes are on You, Lord ... Don't wanna lose my soul ... I'd give it all for You Lord..."
And instantly "Even children?" rang through my ears.

I'd give it all for You, Lord ... and something deep in my soul challenged that by asking, almost scoffing, "Even children? Even your deepest, most instinctive desire to bear your own children and hold them close and raise them? You would let that go?" Even as I write those words, I weep. I weep because my soul aches for that experience--that need to be a mother.

And yet, when that challenging thought echoed through my mind, my gut-level, without-a-thought reaction was "Yes." Wholeheartedly, with a broken and trembling heart, I said Yes.

Yes, Lord, not even my deepest desire is worth losing You.

This shocked me.

I realized in an instant how selfish I've been. How self-centered, how single-minded, how narrow-minded ... how childish. Yes, it's unfair. No, it doesn't seem right. If life was fair and all was right, I would have a 1 1/2 year old. If life was fair and all was right, there would be no miscarriage.

No heartache.
No pain.
No desperation.
No bitterness.

But life isn't fair. And in it all, God is still good. God is still bigger. God is still my all in all, my life-giver, my shepherd, protector and friend. God is still holy and just. God is still GOD. And if God sat me down, face to face and said His plan for me did not include carrying and birthing children, I would be okay. I would be broken, and I would ask Why? I would probably fight Him and question His goodness, His greatness, His wisdom .... His love.

But that wouldn't change Him at all. My questions don't change Who He is.

He is "I AM"

Passion: MIA

Passion - Boundless enthusiasm. Intense expression of emotion. Fervor. Compelling feelings. Outburst. Extravagant fondness.

We have lost it.

Or, at least, I haven't seen much of it in a while in the church, myself included.
Myself at the top of the list.

I see more passion for movies, sports teams and the opposite sex than I do for Christ.

What's interesting, is I know a lot of people who love the Lord. Who study His word, who wrestle with His principles. And yet, there does not seem to be a whole lot of

Passion.

"David danced before the Lord with all his might ... 'I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes.'" 2 Samuel 6:14, 22

I had a college professor once who told me he thought the word "passion" had been overused and overdone.

This man was one of the least emotionally passionate men I have ever met. He is close to the most intellectual being I have ever encountered. Intellect is fine; it's good to challenge our intellect. We can even be passionate about intellectual things--even things of faith.

But not at the expense of Boundless enthusiasm. Intense expression of emotion. Fervor. Compelling feelings. Outburst. and Extravagant fondness.

It must be expressed through worship.

Psalm 150
Praise the Lord.
Praise God in His sanctuary;
praise him in his mighty heavens.
Praise him for his acts of power;
praise him for his surpassing greatness.
Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,
praise him with the harp and lyre,
praise him with tambourine and dancing,
praise him with the strings and flute,
praise him with the clash of cymbals,
praise him with resounding cymbals.
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord.

Are we passionate about Christ? Do we have boundless enthusiasm? Do we express our fervor for the Lord as we are called to in Scripture? Do we dance, and sing, and make music for the Lord? Do we feel anything anymore? Are we moved to tears when presented with a description of our Lord?
Or have American Christians, in general, become so intellectual, so reserved, so un-demonstrative that we have neglected to do what David did--become undignified before the Lord. Have we forgotten passion? I desire

Boundless enthusiasm. Intense expression of emotion. Fervor. Compelling feelings. Outburst. Extravagant fondness.

David was passionate in his worship, passionate in his anger, passionate in grief, passionate in his pursuit of God.

Ps 119:20 "My soul is consumed with longing for your laws at all times..."
Ps 119:81 "My soul faints with longing for your salvation..."
Ps 119:136 "Streams of tears flow from my eyes, for your law is not obeyed..."
Ps 101:1 "I will sing of your love and justice..."
Ps 60:1 "You have rejected us, O God, and burst forth upon us ...now restore us!"
Ps 119:120 "My flesh trembles in fear of you; I stand in awe of your laws..."
Ps 84:2 "My soul yearns, and even faints, for the Lord..."

It breaks my heart when I am with the body of Christ, and I sense almost no passion.