Sunday, November 30, 2008

Behind the Smile

warning: brutal honesty below. read @ own risk.

I just can't do it anymore.

If one more pregnant woman complains about her morning sickness, I am going to scream.

If one more pregnant lady makes a face about the pooch on her belly, I am going to punch a wall.

If one more stupid person says, "At least you know you can get pregnant!", I am going to run away.

After screaming at and punching said stupid person.

If the knot in my stomach doesn't unwind and the pain in my heart doesn't lessen, I am going to die.

telling me to trust.
Stop telling me to hope.
Stop telling me I'm young.
Stop telling me there's a plan.

Just Stop.

If you don't know what to say, just leave me to my grief. Just shut up and leave me alone. Don't look at me with pity, but don't ignore me either.

Basically, you can't do anything right, so just stop. And be prepared for me to bite your head off anyway.

Or cry. Or scream.

Punch a wall and run away.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

He is "I AM" ... No Matter What I Ask.

As a blogger, if I can really call myself that, I tend to mull over my blogs for a few days before I actually form them into words that appear on this screen. For a few days now, I've been percolating ... the next blog was going to be titled "Life's Not Fair ... Kristin--get over it." See, I have this incredibly deep seeded belief that life should be fair. I'm sure it comes from my childhood, though I can't really tell you how. Perhaps a psychologist could.

The blog was going to list all the ways life should be fair, but isn't.

You know, like how it's not fair that Erik and I have been trying for 2 years to get pregnant, and still don't have a child.

It's not fair that husbands and new daddies get deployed overseas.

Or like how a close friend of mine lost another pregnancy.

It's not fair that some are out of work and can't find a job.

Or like how it's not fair that I've had to start over mentally on this "trying to conceive journey" but that doesn't mean I can forget the first year and a half of trying, even though it didn't really count.

I could list a million ways that life isn't fair ... but what good would that do?

That was going to be the title of the blog, but please notice: It's Not.

Last night, I was at a TobyMac concert. In the midst of all of the crazy jumping, fist pumping and lyric screaming, I had a moment with God. It wasn't a loud moment, or a dramatic moment, but it hit me hard.

Singing along to "Lose my Soul", I suddenly realized I was singing these words:

"All eyes are on You, Lord ... Don't wanna lose my soul ... I'd give it all for You Lord..."
And instantly "Even children?" rang through my ears.

I'd give it all for You, Lord ... and something deep in my soul challenged that by asking, almost scoffing, "Even children? Even your deepest, most instinctive desire to bear your own children and hold them close and raise them? You would let that go?" Even as I write those words, I weep. I weep because my soul aches for that experience--that need to be a mother.

And yet, when that challenging thought echoed through my mind, my gut-level, without-a-thought reaction was "Yes." Wholeheartedly, with a broken and trembling heart, I said Yes.

Yes, Lord, not even my deepest desire is worth losing You.

This shocked me.

I realized in an instant how selfish I've been. How self-centered, how single-minded, how narrow-minded ... how childish. Yes, it's unfair. No, it doesn't seem right. If life was fair and all was right, I would have a 1 1/2 year old. If life was fair and all was right, there would be no miscarriage.

No heartache.
No pain.

No desperation.

No bitterness.

But life isn't fair. And in it all, God is still good. God is still bigger. God is still my all in all, my life-giver, my shepherd, protector and friend. God is still holy and just. God is still GOD. And if God sat me down, face to face and said His plan for me did not include carrying and birthing children, I would be okay. I would be broken, and I would ask Why? I would probably fight Him and question His goodness, His greatness, His wisdom .... His love.

But that wouldn't change Him at all. My questions don't change Who He is.

He is "I AM"