Be Near

Do you hang verses around your home in an attempt to be immersed in God's word?

I do. Every other cupboard door, over the stove, on the side of the microwave that faces my so called "office" in the kitchen. My bathroom door, the linen closet door, the kitchen window sill. The verses are all over, and yet, I rarely see them.

(To be fair, I do read the one on the linen closet door, only because the toilet faces that door. So ... yeah. I do read that one.)

Today I've been feeling a bit blue. "I'm blue." --Rachel, from "Friends" (Brittany Miller, name that episode... :) ) I think it's a whole bunch of things. It's the weather, it's some changes in our life, it's contemplating going back to work and all that means for my daily life with two young kids. (Dad, if you're reading this, I like my job and no, I won't quit. I know you need to retire... :P)

It's my perpetual headache, my endless sinus infections, the lack of girl time, the tantrums of my precious two year old. My blue feeling is a product of a whole bunch of things.

So as I sat down to blog, with really nothing in particular to write about--just knowing that writing tends to help me--I paused. My eyes wandered to the pile of random coupons, "to-dos", and hospital bills (ick). My gaze caught a verse that I'd taped to the microwave months ago.  One that is there, in my eyesight every day, that I don't think I've read since I wrote it down.

Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Who have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

 I may be blue, but that verse can't NOT lift my spirits. "Nevertheless" -- no matter what. No matter headaches, or monotony of motherhood, or tantrums. "Continually" -- all of the time. Never ending. Never ceasing.

For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge that I may tell of all your works. Psalm 73:23-28

"Good to be near" -- close to. Residing with. Snuggled up. I must say, I am not always near God. I have verses plastered around my house in an attempt to stay connected. I spend at least a few minutes most days reading my Bible, trying to journal some thoughts. I make prayer lists, and attempt to lift my voice to the Lord. I play worship music (or Joshua does) as we play and do chores. And yet ... I'm so often not "near" Him. I've put all these things in my life to help me get near, but I rarely actually draw near. Why is that?

If you have an answer, or some experience with a possible answer, please comment. :)

"But for me it is good to be near ..." It's a choice. I guess I just have to choose more often to pause, read those verses on the kitchen window sill, the bathroom door, the microwave side. It's a choice to be near.

 

Parenting: The Ultimate Power Trip

If I were a power monger, I would want to be a parent.

Isn't parenting the ultimate power trip? I mean really--there's this tiny little person (or people) who can't quite talk yet, can't dress themselves, can't feed themselves any more than some crackers from the low shelf in the pantry. They can't drive themselves anywhere, they can't dial a phone number. They have to listen to you, and you technically can {try} to make them do so.

Parenting is the ultimate power trip. Can you imagine if I, or any parent, capitalized (in a bad way) on this place of power? If I allowed the fragrance of complete and total authority to get to my head? What if I chose to rule and reign in my household, and whip these little ones into shape?

I'm telling you--not a pretty picture.

My job as a parent is to shape and correct my child, of course. Out of love, and in love, I am to "pull weeds" and strive to mold my child into the person God has created him or her to be. Most days I don't know what I'm doing. I've read some books, sought some counsel, but in the heat of the moment, I'm often slack jawed and grasping at straws. What DO you DO when a two year old throws books down the stairs, burst into tears, and blabbers something unintelligibly ending in ".... mine, Daddy!" while you're glued to the couch, nursing the one month old who chooses that moment to projectile spit milky goo everywhere, and then bless you with a cross-eyed grin?

Jeremiah 10:24 "Correct me, O Lord, but in justice; not in your anger, lest you bring me to nothing."

As Joshua travels through the so called "terrible twos" (I strongly dislike that label), I am challenged every day to correct in justice, but not in anger. To follow God's example and administer justice because it's the right thing to do; not because it feeds my power trip and fuels my anger. I could so easily "bring him to nothing"--which is a terrifying reality as a parent. I am physically huge relative to my little boy (which won't last long I know!), and relationally in charge. How easy it would be to misstep and reduce my son to nothing. Shame him, ignore him, look past him, yell at him ... way to easy. I know myself, and not only can I snap once I've reached a certain point, but I also easily (and often gladly) carry a grudge.

Again, I have to keep Christ in mind, and when my little boy quickly flips the switch and moves on from his tantrum to sunshine, butterflies, and toddler love, which he can do astoundingly quickly, I must move on too. Holding a grudge against a two year old is, well, stupid. Just about as stupid as if God held grudges against us trantrum-y human beings.

So here's to a day without anger, but full of justice. Justice carried out in love with the end in mind. Because my son is practically asking me to correct him in justice, but not in anger--because I truly could reduce him to nothing. Instead, I'd like to think that every minute of every hour I'm with him, I am pouring into him, building him up, pulling out weeds, tilling the soil of his heart so that 20 years from now I can say to myself and Erik, "Job well done."

S.O.A.P: Matthew 7

It has been a rough morning. With my injured rib and general physical discomfort, I did not sleep well. Thankfully, my hubby traded with me and took the toddler--and I went back to bed. When I finally got up to get to work, I kept thinking to myself, "Man--you're cranky!!" I kinda had to force myself to brew a cup of coffee and crack open my Bible. It's just one of those days where I would have naturally chosen to not crack my Bible, but instead lazily immerse myself in social media or obsessively check my emails, even though not many are coming through.

So here's my S.O.A.P for the day:

S (Scripture): Matthew 7:20 "Thus you will recognize them [believers] by their fruits."

O (Observation): It's so simple--if disease resides within me, I'll produce bad fruit. AKA: this morning. If health is in me, I'll produce good fruit. Simple as that.

A (Application): On a day where I'm particularly grumpy, this was NOT my favorite section/verse to read. Pretty sure no good fruits are falling off this tree today...which is exACTly why I needed to take 10 and get into the Word this morning!

P (Prayer): Lord, catch my attention, call me to be still and rest in Your goodness. Forgive my nasty attitude--and thank you that no one was here today to catch the brunt of it. In spite of me, please work in and through me today. Amen.

S.O.A.P

I must admit, I was out of the habit of soaking in the Word.

In college, almost every night before bed, my roommate Cora and I would lay in our separate beds with our separate Bibles and end our days with God. I have such great memories--and journal entries--of this time where I would close my day with my Lord, reading His Word, journaling my thoughts, and lifting up praise and requests to Him.

Seriously, for some reason, this became harder to do once married. I'm NOT a morning person, so it's very difficult for me to get up in the morning and have enough mental juice to actually sit and read--and process and apply--the Word. Bedtime devotions didn't seem to work anymore; Erik is a night owl, and I'd stay up later and later to connect with him and then crash into bed.

So, for 6 years, it has been a struggle to find consistent time in the Word. I've had my times--when I worked at DeVry, I'd always make my coffee, and sit in my favorite chair and read a little. When pregnant with Joshua, I'd always carve out a time to take a few minutes and read a little something.

Enter a child, sleepless nights, a dry stage in my faith .... and well, let's just say I lost my enthusiasm a little. And the journaling specific verses and my thoughts on them slowly went out the window.

I'd read bits here and there, and I had a trusty devotional that helped me get what little I could to help me focus on God. But it was rough there for a while.

Then God moved us to Madison. And my oh my, do I need to be in the Word. I mean, need.

And then Dave, our lead pastor, gave a sermon that got me back into journaling about the Word. Not just reading aimlessly and thinking, "Hm, that's good stuff." but then forgetting it 10 minutes later. YES! Why did I ever stop doing this?? Pure laziness I tell you. A theme in my life.

He taught on the acronym S.O.A.P (Scripture, Observation, Application, Prayer)

There are still days where I don't want to do it. Or I do, but I start to feel like I'm only doing it to say I did it, and then I revolt a little bit because I don't want to do it just to say I did it ... blah blah blah.

But I sure am loving being in the Word, and forcing myself to observe it, apply it, and pray about it. LOVING IT.

So, here's an entry for you:

S: 1 Corinthians 2:1-2
¹And I [Paul], when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. ² For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified.

(Love how the Message portrays this too: ^1-2You'll remember, friends, that when I first came to you to let you in on God's master stroke, I didn't try to impress you with polished speeches and the latest philosophy. I deliberately kept it plain and simple: first Jesus and who he is; then Jesus and what he did—Jesus crucified.)

O: Paul kept it so simple here! I love how the Message says "first, Jesus and who he is; then Jesus and what he did." Erik and I often say we Christians too often focus and allow others to focus on all the other stuff--the controversial, theological, social, relational stuff--that keeps people from Jesus. Here's the deal--cut through it all. Figure out A) Who is Jesus? Liar, Lunatic, or Lord? B) What's your decision about Him? The rest will follow. First, Jesus and who he is and what he did. Then we'll sort through your life.

I also love the next part in the Message:
 ^3-5I was unsure of how to go about this, and felt totally inadequate—I was scared to death, if you want the truth of it—and so nothing I said could have impressed you or anyone else. But the Message came through anyway. God's Spirit and God's power did it, which made it clear that your life of faith is a response to God's power, not to some fancy mental or emotional footwork by me or anyone else.

I LOVE that the Apostle Paul was scared! Yippee! I'm not the only one! And yet, the message comes through.

A: We all have our issues. And when we're sharing the Gospel, so often we Christians complicate it SO MUCH! We need to set aside everything else and help people see and decide about Jesus. We need to be in relationship with people, not just yell at them from the streetcorner, or from some blog on the internet. We need to go to them, get to know their lives, hear their stories, get in their mess, and show them the One who can rescue them. We need to get ourselves out of the way, so the message can be loud and clear. 

P: God, give me--and all believers--opportunities to talk about you--and keep it simple! 

What Do I Know?

I had the honor of leading worship for our church this past Sunday. It was so much fun! Not only did I have a great band backing me, I got to sing some of my favorite songs.

One of my absolute favorite songs, What Do I Know of Holy--Addison Road.

I remember the first time I listened to this song. I was in my car, and I had just bought the album. This is the last track, so it took me a while to get to it. But when I did ...

Blown away.

"I've made You promises a thousand times ..."

"Tried to hear from heaven, but I talked the whole time..." 

"I think I've made You too small ...."

"If You touched my face, would I know You. Looked into my eyes, could I behold You?"

"What do I know of You, who spoke me into motion? 

Where have I even stood, but the shore along Your oceans? Are You fire, are You fury? 

Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?"

How many times has I made promises to God, to try harder, to surrender more, to love more deeply. Only to find myself worn out, embittered, eating cookies on the couch watching Nefllix instead of soaking in the Word. (That's just an example. I'm not eating cookies. Though I was about to watch something on Netflix...)

"I guess I thought that I had figured You out..."

"I knew all the stories ... and I learned to talk about, how You were mighty to save...."

"But those were only empty words on a page..."

It's so easy to think, "All right--I've got it! If I just do A, B, and C, and then pray a little bit more each day, it'll all work out. God and I are golden." But that's just not how it works. I do know all the stories ... but guess what--they lose their meaning if I'm not connected to the Storyteller. Those wonderful felt-board stories from Sunday School way back when are just shadows in my mind if I'm not daily walking with the One who dictated those stories, and caused them to be.

"Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be ..." 

"The slightest hint of You, brought me down to my knees...."

"What do I know of You, who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood, but the shore along Your oceans? Are You fire, are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?"

"What do I know of holy? What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame? And a God who gives life its name.  What do I know of holy? Of the One who the angels praise? All creation knows Your name. On earth and heaven above, what do I know of this love ... ?"

"So what do I know of You? Who spoke me into motion. Where have I even stood? But the shore along Your oceans ... are You fire are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?" 

What do I know? What do I know of holy? 

So very very little. And I need that reminder every day, because I get up on my high horse and think I've got it all figured out. And I truly, truly don't.

11 Weeks: Taco Bell & Pizza Pit

What is up with pregnancy making me want the nastiet food EV-ER?! It's ridiculous really. When I should be eating the best foods ever, to assist in my health as well as my growing baby's, I want Taco Bell and Pizza Pit. Both of which caused me such indigestion and, ahem, digestion issues (to put it nicely) I half thought I was miscarrying and have now determined I will never EVER eat those things again!

(Well, Pizza Pit I'll probably give another chance. But considering I vowed off Taco Bell 4 years ago, and only gave in recently due to a prego craving, I'm back on my vow. That stuff is NAS-TY. Gross.)

On another note ...

I pulled out all of my maternity clothes this week. A few weeks ago, I panicked because I thought I'd lost them all in our move. But fortunately, we found them! I ran 'em all through the dryer to shake out the wrinkles, and made space for them in my closet. A few times I caught myself thinking, "Man, it sure would suck if I lost this baby cuz I'd have to pack all these clothes back up and that'd be hard. Maybe I should just keep them packed away instead of being hopeful..."

Funny how the brain works, isn't it? I have no reason to believe this pregnancy isn't going just fine. I have no reason, other than random statistics on the web that I refuse to read, to think that anything will go wrong. And yet, in a perfectly normal moment, fear of loss tries to break through.

Even at 11 1/2 weeks, it's a daily battle to surrender every twinge, every passing cramp, every thoughtless worry. You think seeing the ultrasound, or hearing the heartbeat, or getting strong blood results will make everything okay. But that reassurance wears off, and the weeks until the next appointment seem long, and so you trust. And waver, and trust and waver and trust .... and on and on it goes until that little baby is delivered into your arms.

Having been through a whole pregnancy and birth and now two years of motherhood, I of course now truly understand how it's a never-ending act of surrender. Every day, my little boy--my joy, my love, my life--has to be surrendered to God--who is my Joy, my Love, my Life.

Surrender. Who woulda thought I'd get from Taco Bell & Pizza Pit to Surrender?

Not I, I tell you. Not I.

What do you need to surrender today?

How'd I miss that?

We've all heard about peace. The peace that passes understanding, the peace of Christ, wonderful glorious peace in the midst of any and all circumstances.

Have you, like me, ever had a hard time finding and sustaining said peace?

I've read this verse a hundred times (I almost said a thousand, but that would be exaggerating. But a hundred ... well, it's possible. Perhaps more like 63 but that doesn't flow as well.)

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. John 16:33

I'm one of those Christians who struggles to read the Word, simply because I feel like every passage I read, I've read before. It's hard for me to take the time and mental energy to discover what is fresh, alive and active in the pages of God's Word. It's a struggle I know many long term believers face; I am no different. 

So today I sat down to check my devotions off my list; but even with my slightly religious heart, doing it pretty much just to say I did it, the Spirit blessed me with a small revelation. 

How could I have never noticed this before? Well, I probably never took the time, because I read quickly, feeling like I've heard it all before. 

Let's look at that verse again: 

 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. John 16:33

What?! How could I have never noticed this before? I immediately wanted to blame it on my NIV translation. I spent my whole life in the NIV and only recently, in order to attempt to find fresh stimulation from the Word, switched to the ESV. So I pulled up the NIV version ... What?! It says it too? So I pulled up the NLT .... same thing. So I pulled up the Message ... well, we all know it's not the same thing, but still a pretty cool translation: 

... I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world.

 So, it wasn't the translation ... it wasn't that I've never read the verse ... it wasn't that I've never studied it (I mean, for goodness sakes, I took a whole class on John in college.)

Here's what it was: I'd forgotten. I'd forgotten the importance of each and every part of each and every verse in the Bible. I'd forgotten how important it is to read and read and read again, but although I may have at one time noticed this phrase "in me" and the implications of it .... I had forgotten.

How can I be "in Him" in the midst of a tired morning, diaper changing tantrums, tense moments in business and family, lonely moments in a new city, phases of indecision and self doubt, long afternoons, and sleepless nights if I'm not reading? Sitting? Listening? Praying? How can I be "in Him" if I think I've heard it all before, and I sit to do devotions simply so I can say I did them?

Being "in Him" is a whole lot more. And that is where I will find unshakable assurance of His deep peace.

When God moves, He sure moves!

Wow, I can't believe it has been 2 1/2 weeks since I last blogged! And that was like, a cheater blog, since most of it was something I'd written years ago!

Well, a lot has happened lately. My silence in the blogging world was partially due to the fact that I wasn't able to "talk" about our life changes yet, until official announces were made, and also due to my complete and total shock at what God has done and is doing.

When God moves, He sure moves!

Since the beginning of April, God has made many things clear:

1. Our time in ministry at Discovery Christian Church is rapidly coming to a close.
2. Our time in Colorado is also coming to a close, though not as rapidly.
3. Our sense that God was going to do something big in 2011 was dead on.
4. Our impression back in the spring/summer of 2010 that someday we'd be church planters was quite accurate.
5. Our next phase in life will be in Madison, WI helping with the newly launched Ezra Church with good friends Dave and Becky Tilma.

What the ... ?!

Yep, that's how I feel too. :)

I just had no idea. But that's how God tends to move in my life. For whatever reason, He allows me to only see what is currently happening. All I knew was life here in CO was good, Erik was a little antsy at his job and wondering what was to come ... and then BAM--we're listing our house, telling our families, and starting the process of raising support to move to Madison, WI as missionary church planters.

I did NOT see this coming.

I'm still processing--every day brings a new emotion. Every day brings a new "what if?" and "are you sure that .... ?" and "how do we know when ... ?"

What's so funny, is that no matter how I'm feeling, no matter how annoyed or depressed, or rebellious, or stubborn or sad, or guilty or questioning, at the end of the day, I know we're going to Madison.

I know this is where God is calling us.

I can't say I'm completely and totally 100% emotionally invested yet--but I'm getting there.

I can say, "God, I will go where you go. I will stay where you stay. I will follow you."

Obediently, and willingly, we will move to Madison. The whowhatwhenwherewhynowhow questions will continue to come, and I will continue to process.

But in the midst of it all, I will go. Because He is Lord, and I am not. I'd rather be on His path and live in Wisconsin, than be off His path, and live in beautiful Colorado.

The Benefit of my Laziness

I've been "reading" a book for a while now. I put reading in quotations because I've read it off and on since August. It's only 194 pages; you'd think I would have finished it by now. But, being the way I am, unless it's a novel, I rarely even finish a book. I tend to get bored about 1/3 of the way through.

For whatever reason, I've continued to push through this book. (And We Are Changed by Priscilla Shirer)

It's a good book, and I'm glad I've read it, albeit very slowly.

But I do believe today I benefited from my laziness.

Life has thrown me some curve balls in the last few months, and I'm trying to keep my head above water. For whatever reason, the changes coming at us are challenging me more than I ever expected. There's nothing I can do to avoid the coming changes, and I often feel hurt and confused. With the wise words of my sister-in-law marching through my mind, I'm daily trying to  

"in my frustration, avoid sin". 

It's not easy. 

And then today, on a whim, I dug this book out of the pile that sits collecting dust next to my favorite chair. I wanted to read a different book, but I feel strangely obligated to finish this one first.

Here are some phrases and thoughts I underlined today:

"When life gets painful, don't hang your head in despair. Look up. Keep your eyes open for the next move of God. He is preparing you for something big. Your heavenly Father's next move is...

More radical than your terrifying crisis ... 

more stunning that your devastating pain ... 

more powerful than your overwhelming circumstances ... 

more miraculous than your wildest imagination. 

God's next move is awesome, and He is preparing you to receive it. You must now position yourself to change paths."

"... Our task is not to spend our time looking at the circumstances but rather to look up--to turn our attention to the Lord."

"...don't stare at the heartache and the hurt. Position yourself for change by looking up!" 

"We need to make sure that in these times when we feel most vulnerable, we are carefully making wise choices. We must look upward to see what the Lord would have us do and what He is trying to teach us so that we can make the right decision."

"When you and I are saddened by life's trials, it is acceptable to be sad, upset, and even angry, but it is not acceptable to allow these emotions to overtake and control us. This is precisely what the devil wants. You do not have to be consumed with bitterness, fear, sadness, or depression ... you can choose a different emotional path."

These are words I desperately needed to read. And listen to. And so, though I feel like an incredible loser for taking more than 8 months to read a 194 page book, I am pretty sure God worked in and through my laziness and spoke to me this morning.

I can't control what's happening. I can't talk it away, obsess it away, or charm it in a different direction.

I can allow my emotions to dictate my days, choose to tear myself and my relationships apart, and let Satan and my own selfish desires get a foothold in my heart.  

Or, I can "choose a different emotional path" and "look up."

I think that's just what I'll choose to do.

Unexpected Moments

As usual, Joshua started moaning and requesting food around 6am this morning. I decided I was going to make him wait (in my continued futile attempt to teach any sort of schedule) until 6:15am. So, I actually went downstairs, made coffee, turned on the fireplace, put the big white blanket over the coffee table so hopefully Josh forgets the fun drawers and stops slamming his fingers ... and I went upstairs to get my son. I flicked on the light, said good morning and gave him a huge hug. He coughed and sniffled (yet another cold) and I fed him. I must have dozed off, because a while later I woke to find Josh asleep in my lap. Back asleep? What? NICE! I carefully placed him in his crib ... and then the battle began.

Should Mommy go back to bed and catch some much needed shut eye?
OR
Should Mommy curl up in her favorite chair, fuel her body with too much caffeine, and spend some much needed time with God?

Well, thank you Joshua for sleeping a long time--I got to do both! I rested for 15 minutes, and then got to read my Bible, journal my prayers, complete a lesson on Esther for bible study, and read a chapter in And We Are Changed, a book by Priscilla Shirer that I've been working on for, oh, about 6 months. (PS Great book!! Highly recommend it, and will hopefully post a blog/review on it soon. Or someday. Maybe.)

My soul is so refreshed. Since marriage, I've struggled to carve out that time for God everyday. In high school and college, I would almost always read a passage and journal at bedtime. Something about marriage--staying up later to spend time with Erik, having to get up early, sharing a bedroom and bed with someone else--has caused me to allow that standard time to fade. When I worked at the university, I would often sit in my favorite chair in the mornings--after showering, while I drank my coffee--but since working for my Dad, and since having Joshua ... I sleep til the last possible second and then stumble out of bed, hurriedly catch up on any business emails, and start my day chasing my son with a coffee cup glued to my side.

Maybe if Josh consistently woke at a certain time each day I could get myself to wake 30 minutes before him ...
Maybe if I set a purposeful "work/email" schedule, I could discipline myself to ignore email for 20 minutes and soak in the word instead.
Maybe if I could just get ready for bed half an hour earlier and dedicate that time to the Lord ..

Maybe if, maybe when, maybe someday ... Why is it so hard for me to take a minute or two, walk away from email, realize that Facebook is not urgent, stop worrying about the cleaning, and choose to spend some time with the Source of my strength, peace, joy and LIFE?

I know I'm not alone--and I'm trying hard not to judge myself too harshly. But truly, I know I need time with God--why don't I take it?

But for now, I'm grateful for the moments I had this morning. For today, I made a good choice. Tomorrow is a whole new day--and we'll see what transpires.

The Word

My goodness. Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself. Isn't it incredible how hypocritical we can be? Sometimes I'm just shocked at the things I hear coming out of my mouth. Things like, 

It's so important to be in the Word every day--even if it's just for a few minutes. 

It's so simple--just set aside a couple of minutes and pray! 

Talk to God as you go about your life--pray while you cook, clean, drive!

Memorize Scripture--it's so crucial to our ability to get through the day. 

But seriously, Kristin, when was the last time you really did any of this??? I've probably relied too much on the "just pray throughout your day" and neglected to set aside purposeful time with God. 

I just sat down and read Colossians. And I chose to read it straight through, and out loud. I LOVE LOVE reading the Bible out loud. First of all, it helps me focus. Second of all, it just makes the text come alive! To hear Paul's tone, and inflection, and humor, and passion ... At the end of the book, as I read Paul's final words, tears sprung in my eyes because I truly heard his voice, and felt his love and concern for the people of Colosse--and for me.

So my challenge to you is:

• Sit down. 
• Pick up your Bible. 
• Choose a book (probably a short one :])
• Read it straight through, and out loud. 
• And praise God for His Word.

The Power of Prayer

The most amazing thing just happened. At 8:49pm I powered down my computer, saying to myself, "Kristin, for real--walk away." Seriously. The computer is so addicting. (and yet, here I am--back to it. You'll understand why. I just had to blog!!)

I mentally forced myself to head not for the T.V. or for bed, but for my leather easy chair to spend some time with God. 

As much as I teach teens the importance of daily time with God, I struggle to put it into practice. I know you understand--do as I say, not as I do. Yaddy yadda. 

Well, tonight was going to be different. As I sat down in the chair, I checked my CrackBerry one last time and noticed a prayer request email from a friend at church. I read the email, and started to pray. Pretty much I decided to pray because if I don't pray then and there when I say I'll pray for someone, I often forget to pray at all. So I've made it a practice to at least send up that very first prayer when I make the promise to pray. Make sense?

Praying for this young man undergoing lung transplant surgery, led me to pray for a young dad at our church who is struggling with cancer. I was, for the first time in weeks, spending real prayer time with God.

Not prayer time on the fly, at the stoplights, in between feedings, and amidst emails. I was actually sitting still, eyes closed, no other sounds around me. 

It had been a while since I'd done this. Man, did it feel good to talk with my Father. 

Prayers for others led to prayers for myself, prayers to change me, convict me, discipline me....those prayers led to praise and thanks. Praise for being the God of Peace, Strength and Love. Thanks for answered prayers and guidance.

I was getting all misty eyed, talking to my Savior when the phone rang--Erik's ring tone.

Hmm....keep praying to God? Or answer call from the Husband? I figured God would understand that I needed to make sure Erik didn't need something. So I answered.

And that's when the amazing thing happened. 

See, for a week, I've been praying HARD for a certain someone to come to a certain student retreat next weekend.

Well, tonight, that certain someone signed up.

God answers prayers. Period. Sometimes He takes a long time (i.e. Joshua Nelson Lindeen). Sometimes His answer is not what we wanted (i.e. all the prayers for healing that didn't end with healing). And sometimes, He answers quickly in the way we had imagined.

Praise be to the God of answered prayers! 

May He continue to answer, as we continue to pray.

Philippians 1:9-11

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ--to the glory and praise of God.

I have had this passage underlined in my Bible for years. I believe I even inscribed the reference on a bracelet for my sister as a bridesmaid gift for my wedding. I've always loved this prayer of the Apostle Paul's; it's poetic, and--I think--a solid example of how to pray for those I'm mentoring. 

But today, I decided to not just gloss over it and smile warmly at the words. I thought to myself, "Hm, maybe I should study this a little?"

So here are my thoughts: 

The word "abound". What does that mean? To Grow? To Increase? 

"Abound" –verb (used without object)

1. to occur or exist in great quantities: a stream in which trout abound.

2. to be rich or well supplied (usually fol. by in ): The region abounds in coal.

3. to be filled; teem (usually fol. by with ): The ship abounds with rats.

I guess definition #2 works best, as "abound" is followed by the word "in" in the verse. 

So, Paul's prayer is that our love is "rich and well supplied" 

in knowledge and insight. 

Um, what does that mean? 

My love should be rich in knowledge (of what? Christ?) and depth of insight (into Christ? Scripture? People?) so that I can have discernment (makes sense) and be pure and blameless (makes sense). Is it that as I increase in knowledge of Christ and insight into His teachings that my love for Christ will grow, and will produce in me discernment and purity? Is it that Christ fills me with fruit as I abound in love and knowledge of Him--all for God's glory? 

It's amazing to me that I can "love" a passage of Scripture ... and really have no idea what it means. :) I will be meditating on this for a while, I think.

Missed Meaning

Tuesday night I had the pleasure of attending a concert at Red Rocks with Erik, Kelly and Mike. I am normally not a huge concert person, but I had actually looked forward to this one for some time: Switchfoot and Goo Goo Dolls. (Our last two concert experiences were not the best. re: Green Day and Blink 182.) However, this concert had many things going for it.

A. It was at Red Rocks. How can a concert NOT be good there?
B. I had studied the music for weeks prior. So I would be able to sing along. :P
C. I love Switchfoot.
D. I was with good friends.
E. Now being a Mom, this was a date night. Totally different level of appreciation for time alone now.

Switchfoot was everything I expected and more. What a great show! Finally, they played "Meant to Live".  It was, as expected, solid and emotionally charged. That song (that album really) instantly transports me back to Junior year of college, hanging out in the dorm, blasting music with my door open so as to be available for the many girls on my hall (I was a R.A.). 

As the chorus came around, the crowd was definitely into it. Arms in the air, hands swaying back and forth, the masses sang along:

We were meant to live for so much more ... have we lost ourselves?

Maybe we're bent and broken ...

We want more than this world's got to offer. 
We want more than this world's got to offer. 
We want more than the wars of our fathers.
And everything inside, screams for second life ....

We were meant to live for so much more ...

At 6,450 feet, in nature's greatest amphitheater, some 9,000 people, without even realizing it, were crying out to God. My heart broke as I watched literally hundreds of people in front of me reach up toward the heavens and proclaim these truths of life ... "We want more than this world's got to offer" ... and yet we all settle for what is offered by this world ... "And everything inside, screams for second life" ... and yet we apathetically live our first life without seeking out more.

It just struck me. So many people, singing these lyrics ... and most of them probably missing out on Christ. Missing out on the "so much more".  And then I look to myself, and know that even while, yes, I know Christ, I still settle for what "this world's got to offer" and forget that there really is so much more.

Secret Place

For you created my inmost being; 

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 

your works are wonderful, 

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you 

when I was made in the secret place. 

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body. 

All the days ordained for me 

were written in your book 

before one of them came to be. 

Psalm 139:13-16

Joshua Nelson, 7 weeks, 5 days

Joshua Nelson, 4 months

Psalm 139 has been on my mind lately. Can anyone comprehend the TRUTH that these pictures are of the same little person? That my adorable, giggly, drooly little boy is one and the same with the seemingly "blah" sac of tissue in the picture above? I cannot wrap my mind around it! This perfect little human, with his chubby fingers and flailing arms; his bright blue eyes and double chin; his birth-marked knee and soft, soft skin ... this little guy named Joshua started off smaller than a mustard seed in my womb. And God saw his unformed body--his frame was not hidden from Him. Hallelujah! Our Creator God is great and good; what an amazing gift He has given to me.

Who the heck am I?

I've lost myself. That's what this week has taught me. 

You'd think with all the wishing hoping and praying for motherhood, I would be thrilled to allow it to fill every nook and cranny of my existence. 

Apparently I'm not. 

It's HARD feeling left out. It's HARD feeling not needed. It's HARD feeling replaced. It's HARD feeling turmoil inside me. It's HARD feeling apathy--toward my own child. It's HARD. It's just plain hard. 

I know the Spirit is working. I feel Him moving, prompting, pushing, challenging ... but I'm just not sure what to do about it. I'm in the thick of it, and can't even find the words to express what's going on. 

I love my son--I do I do I do. With all my heart. His smile has the power to melt my soul; his cry pierces my being to the deepest level. His pudgy little body fills me with warmth and his bright blue eyes stop me dead in my tracks. 

Then why do I have such desire to be away from him? Why, after spending all Wednesday apart from him, was I literally annoyed to have him in my arms? I expected to miss him ... I didn't.  I expected to weep upon my return ...  I did, but not because I was rejoicing at our reunion. I wept because I wanted more time away.

I'm not sure I'm ready to be a mom. I'm not ready to give up so much of my former life, of my former "me". Who am I now? Am I still mentor to Sam, Steph, Jess, Jess, Casey and Bethany? Am I still friend to Brittany, Kelly, Katelin and Robbin? Am I still sister to Molly, Michael, Tara? Am I still wife to Erik? Partner in ministry? 

Or am I now simply "Joshua's Mom"? Honorable, worthy and exciting for sure--but is that all I am now? 

Of course, I know I'm Daughter of the King, Child of God, Cherished by the Lord. I can know all of that intellectually ... but in the daily grind of life, it's HARD to remember. It's HARD to tangibly understand that my identity is not about what I DO, or WHO I am, but about WHOSE I am. I've read some books, done the studies and heard the preaching--I know my identity is in Christ. 

Then why does it feel like I've lost myself?

Right Answers

Can I just be totally honest?

I have most, if not all, of the "right" answers.

And it's driving me nuts.

Here's the deal. I've been a Christian for as long as I can remember. Apparently the conversion day was sometime around age 4, so there's not a single memory I have that doesn't include Jesus. (Okay, that sounds weird and strangely arrogant, but you know what I mean.)

My whole life, I've been a Christian.
My whole life, I've known that Jesus died for me and I've believed it.
My whole life, I've been learning about the Bible, and the history of my faith.

Sunday school, church camps, talks with my parents, private Christian school where Bible class was mandatory and we recited a memorized passage of Scripture each month. Christian friends, youth group nights, boot camp classes, and cheesy plays and musicals. FCA meetings, prayer groups, Sunday morning church and personal devotions. College level Bible courses, Christian roommates, mission trips, hall Bible studies, accountability partners, volunteering and service projects. Long talks with my husband, womens' retreats, more Bible studies, and mentoring youth.

Seriously--my whole life has been learning and hearing how I should (and can) live and how I should (and can) make a difference for Christ. So, at the risk of sounding prideful, I know a lot. I can answer most of the questions my youth throw at me. I can give you advice on how to walk with Christ, how to live for Him, how to impact our world and our culture.

Then why don't I do it?

I'm so sick and tired of knowing all the answers, yet not knowing how to live it out. And I could even tell you how to live it out--but actually doing it is a whole other thing.

Erik's always saying that many Christians operate with a mentality of "an abundance of grace"--meaning, we err too far to the side of grace in our Christian walk. Not that grace isn't important, and not that we should live a life of judgment and rules ... HOWEVER, if we focus too much on the "Well, Jesus will love me no matter what I do!" then that's a problem. And of course, I always agree with him. I always nod my head as if to say, "Well yes, Husband, you are right. Those who live with the abundance of grace mentality and don't listen to the other parts of the Bible that tell us how to live and what to do, they are shorting God. They are living to less of a standard than God has called them to. Those poor poor people. Missing out."

Um HELLO!? I am one of those people! It dawned on me last night! No, I don't get up in the mornings and think specifically, "Well, Jesus will love me whether or not I die to self. Whether or not I read my Bible. Whether or not I serve others. Whether or not I pray without ceasing." No, it's not that obvious. Instead, I just don't do it. I just don't read the Word. I just don't pray without ceasing. I just don't try to eradicate the sin in my life. I can tell you how and why we should do all these things .... but .....

I just don't. I don't live as if Christ has changed my life.

It's just all so normal. All this "Christian" stuff has been a part of my life forever. I've known all these answers for a long time. I've done the studies--I know I can find my identity in Christ; I know I'm a child of the King; I have discovered my spiritual gifts; I understand the power of prayer and the importance of reading the Word ...and at times in my life, I have lived in a way where I was pursuing Christ and loving Him wholeheartedly.

So why is it so hard now? Is it possible to have a spiritual "peak" in one's life? If so, (that's horrifyingly depressing), mine was back in college.

So this is what spewed out of me on the porch with Erik last night. Sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk to about this stuff ... I miss my roommate Cora. Erik's great and everything, but I miss that female spiritual confidante. Maybe I left that behind in college too.

I keep rambling on because I feel like there's no conclusion to this blog. Other than to say, man--it stinks to know all the answers, but be too lazy to put them into practice. And to wonder what the point of it all is anyway.

Goodness sakes ... I still can't figure out how to end this thing without sounding morbid and depressed!

So okay--I'm in a rough spot spiritually. Not questioning God or anything, but questioning the reasoning behind many of the things we do as Christians. And questioning myself. And my walk with Christ.

Wow. Still depressing. And I'm done. :)

Opened My Eyes

Today I went on a walk with Josh, and I made the conscious choice to open my eyes.

Have you ever noticed the graceful dance of wild wheat? 

Or the delicate bend of a tall cottonwood?

The exuberant splash of a dog meeting water; the purposeful hop of a mama robin?

Have you paused to stare up at the clear blue sky, and count the puffs of cotton? 

Or truly enjoyed the music of gravel, noisily crunching underfoot?

The distant giggles of kids on bikes; the friendly smile of a passing stranger?

Have you stopped to notice the purple wild flowers trailing in the grass? 

Or the outline of mountains in the distance?

The ripples fading after a duck in the water; the silent sweep of a crane overhead? 

These are all the wonders I noticed, when I made the conscious choice to open my eyes. I praised the Lord for his majesty; His creativity dwarfs my own. Praise the Lord for nature, and the glory is brings to Him! Thank the Lord for nature, and the joy is brings to me. Praise the Lord!

Week 32: I Didn't Plan This

It wasn't long into college before I realized that I naturally mentor. I naturally teach, guide and counsel. Do I do it well? Well, that's a whole other topic. But I realized quickly that I am a "developer of people," as one skill set test creatively put it.

So, I always assumed that I would mentor people. First I wanted to be a high school guidance counselor, then I did become a R.A., and that led me to setting my sights on some sort of role in Student Life on a college campus. I tutored a young girl in NE Minneapolis and pondered a non profit path. From there I moved on to academic advising, got involved in youth mentoring through youth group, and poof--

Here I am shepherding women who struggle with infertility.

What?! I didn't plan this ...

I figured I would develop life plans, help choose colleges, provide a listening ear through nasty break ups, help discover skill sets, encourage healthy habits ...

Never did I guess my ministry would veer sharply into the heart broken world of infertility. Neither did I guess that my life would veer sharply into this lonely, silent, hazy world. The world of questions, and no answers. Or questions, some answers, but not the right ones. The world of disappointing hope, endless cycles, and painful procedures.

It's a strange position to be in--especially now that I'm pregnant. I of all people could possibly cause a lot of pain for the women that reach out to me. Me with my rounded belly and excitement glowing in my eyes.

But oh wait--right now there's no excitement. My eyes are shadowed in pain and filled with tears. My heart is breaking. Why?

I am remembering.

Yet another friend of a friend has been pointed in my direction--Praise the Lord for His use of my pain and struggles--and I am suddenly in her shoes, asking those desperate questions, waiting, waiting, waiting and wondering. I am remembering the pain, the fading hope, the countless angry tears.

I didn't plan this, never would have planned this, never would have thought that a part of my ministry in life would be in the shadowed realm of infertility ...

I didn't plan this, but I'm glad God did.

A Photograph

"He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation."
Colossians 1:15

I've often wished that I had pictures of Jesus. Oh I know there are hundreds of paintings that depict what some artist thinks Jesus looked like, but we all know these are not accurate. I desire a photograph. Can you imagine stumbling across a tattered and worn photo in your grandmother's attic, and realizing as you wipe away the dust that the man in the picture is none other than Jesus Christ, the Son of God?! That would be incredible. Incredible because He is the image of God. I would be looking at an image of the "image of the invisible God"--how cool would that be? Those early early Christians--the disciples and other followers--they have no idea how blessed they were to actually see Jesus. To witness His visit to this earth; to possibly even touch his hand or foot. How absolutely divine ...

I've been with Jesus for a long time. I don't say that pridefully; it's just a fact. Since I was a very little girl, I have loved Jesus. The Bible, I must admit, sometimes becomes very dry to me. Some might struggle with reading the Bible for an variety of reasons--I struggle with reading it because it feels like I've heard it all before. I battle this daily, and wish the feeling would go away. I wish I would cherish and love the Word, and only want to dive deeper still into it. But, sadly, that's simply not the case right now.

However, when I read passages like this (Colossians 1), and really consider what Paul is saying, I am astounded by the Lord that I follow.

"For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross." Colossians 1: 16-20

Christ is, does and did all these things. He's not just the pretty face sent down from heaven to be the point person for God. He's not like that creepy green wizard guy in the Wizard of Oz with no real power. Jesus Christ, well, He is God. And He desires a relationship with me--and with you. Isn't that incredible?