Friday, April 24, 2009

Erik's out of town so I have no one to talk to....

So, some things i just had to mention ...

I'm bummed that a client didn't hire me to go speak in Minnesota. Woulda been nice to visit (and work, of course!)

The funny Asian man who works out in Crocs at my gym was there again. That's two spottings this week. I just couldn't not comment. Hilarious.

Listening to Hold my Heart by Tenth Avenue North. New Fav.

Wrote a cool psalm/prayer/praise this morning. Maybe I'll share later.

The neighbors kids ... love to ring my doorbell. And leave their alien super hero collector cards on my porch. And talk to my cats through the window. And try to dupe me into giving money for a fake fundraiser, all schemed up to help pay for the next Batman video game ....

The neighbor dog won't come out to "go potty". Not sure what to do about that, since I'm sposed to be watching her.

My cats miss Erik. Let me be more clear ... Sheridan misses Erik.

i've been cleaning all day and yet......still a disaster.

New thought: there's a difference between clean and picked up. My house is clean.

I got a voicemail from my beloved older sister-in-law today. My only "older" in my life. I've listened to it three times already and it's still saved on my phone. Warms the heart.

I sold a ton of books today. Chiropractors are book buyers. Go figure.

I'm sposed to fax something and got all excited when I remembered we have a fax machine in our basement.

Until I remembered that my husband canceled the phone line. So no faxing.

I don't think I've eaten much today. I seriously think I was thinner in college because I didn't have someone else needing to be fed. Now I eat because Erik reminds me to make dinner. Stranger things have happened.

Both of my cats are on the kitchen table. You'd think I'd think that's gross. I kinda do--i just don't choose to do anything about it. I wonder what that says about me.

I love taking pictures. and now i LOVE Check it out.

There are four--count them 4--guitars sitting next to me in my dining room. Ah, marriage to a musician.

So anyway ... posting this just kept me from all the stuff I want to get done (notice how I didn't say have to get done? I'm trying to recognize it's all a choice...) before Erik gets home tonight.

But posting this was much more fun than cleaning yet another toilet. Or putting away laundry. Or cleaning the cat box. Or vacuuming. Or even eating ... no, scratch that. I just worked out, so I'm actually now hungry. OOoo! Now, eating is much more fun than all the other things I could do..... Let's eat!

Seriously. Random.

AAAAnnnnd..... Scene.

Monday, April 20, 2009

I Echo David ...

Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. Psalm 4: 1-3
A Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath. Be merciful to me, Lord for I am faint; O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long?... I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow … Psalm 6: 1-3, 6-7a
How long, O lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death…But, I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me. Psalm 13
Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. Psalm 25:16-18
O God, do not keep silent; be not quiet, O God, be not still. Psalm 83:1
Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, “Seek his face!” Your face, Lord, I will seek. Psalm 27:7-8
To you I call, O Lord my Rock; do not turn a deaf ear to me. For if you remain silent, I will be like those who have gone down to the pit. Hear my cry for mercy as I call to you for help, as I lift up my hands toward your Most Holy Place. Psalm 28:1-2
All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes. O Lord, do not forsake me; be not far from me, O my God. Come quickly to help me, O Lord my Savior. Psalm 38: 9-10, 21-22
Awake, O Lord! Why do you sleep? Rouse yourself! Do not reject us forever. Why do you hide your face and forget our misery and oppression? Psalm 44: 23-24
Hear my prayer, O Lord, listen to my cry for help! Be not deaf to my weeping. Psalm 39:12
O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me. Psalm 30:2
I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34: 4
The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry … The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:15, 17-18
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. Psalm 40:1
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Psalm 62: 5-8
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26
“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation.”
Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Psalm 116:7
We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you. Psalm 33:20-22

Monday, April 13, 2009

Packing Up HOPE

A week ago yesterday, I packed up HOPE. I was done, that was it--no more.

Erik and I had been informed of yet another pregnancy--yet another pregnancy that wasn't ours', that didn't seem "fair" and that caused us to ask, "Why not us?"

It's so hard for me to hear a person say, "We weren't planning's not the best time....we didn't want this right yet...." It causes me to turn toward God and scream, "I WANT IT! Give it to me!! Stop giving it to the people who don't want it yet!!!!!"

So I packed up HOPE.

A long time ago, when we never dreamed our infertility would last this long, I painted the guest room pale yellow, with fun green, blue and white designs and called it a nursery. Many months ago, before we realized the struggle this would be, I bought a table at a garage sale and painted it blue. Hundreds of days ago, during a time when it made sense to HOPE, I purchased black iron letters and placed them on this table.

Ever since, this little table, with its blue finish, its cute white and green lamp, its collection of antique Disney books, editions 1-17, the pair of socks given to me when pregnant, and its four letters spelling HOPE has been a beacon of light in our house. A beacon that reminded me daily of the assurance I have, that no matter how hard it gets, my HOPE is in the Lord. That there is HOPE. That HOPE is key to survival.

But a week ago yesterday, I packed up HOPE.
I was done; that was it--
no more.

I have spent the week questioning, yelling, crying ... and losing HOPE. I just figured, if prayer doesn't sway God, then why pray? If HOPE doesn't help, only hurts, why HOPE? If time doesn't heal, why continue on?

Every time I'd enter the former nursery, now confused, brightly colored guest room, my emotions changed. The first few times I went in, I felt almost victorious. Like, "There. Good. I win. It's over." As the week went on, and as I worked through my emotions with the Lord, and with good friends, my feelings upon entering the room changed. It became more like, "Huh. It's kinda empty" to "Hm. I kinda miss HOPE." to "Wow--I wonder if I'll ever bring it back?"
A week ago yesterday I packed up HOPE.

Today, I dragged it all out again. The lamp is back, the books are back, the teddy bears are back, the Noah's Ark painting it back, the stuffed bunny is back ... and HOPE is back.
It felt good to set it all up again--as if I've returned. I've never been one to quit. I've never been one to give up. I've just never had to struggle with something so hard, and so long before. It has been 881 days since we started this journey. 881 of praying, wishing, hoping, grieving, crying, yearning....2 miscarriages, one surgery and many puffy eyed mornings later, we're still here.

I only packed up HOPE for one week, and one day. HOPEfully, I don't ever hit that low again. The only way I've made it through 881 days of this, is HOPE. As hard as it is to HOPE; as much as it hurts ... there is no other way to do it.

HOPE is officially unpacked.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Soul Mate

Best friends have a way of speaking to your heart. Even when miles and miles apart--a whole country even--sometimes a best girlfriend sees your soul even better than your husband does. Why is that? Maybe it's because she can only hear my voice--so she has to listen. Or she can only read my words--so she has to understand. Maybe it's a "girl thing". I'm sure it has something to do with living and growing together for four years.

How can I live with my soul mate, my best friend, and still feel so alone? How can I have dozens of friends here I could run to in an instant, and still feel so unknown?

There's just something about that best girl friend--my female soul mate, if you will. That give and take; the perfect mixture of laughter and tears; the "I'll lean on you when I have no strength, as long as you allow me to do the same for you sometime soon".

I've had only a few in my lifetime, and there are two that I miss deeply right now. Losing one of these girlfriends is painful; I've been going through that recently as well. It's not a feeling I'd ever like to experience again. But these two women--these two friends who can look into my soul and speak to my heart in ways that no one else can ... I hope they know what they mean to me. I hope they know how much I need them, even if we're separated by miles, states, and even a whole country.

When I feel so alone and unknown ...

When I feel like I don't even understand myself ...

When I feel lost and so broken ...

It's these best girl friends that I need.

Written Sunday morning, 4/5/09