The Start of Something: Sifted

I attended my first church planter's conference this week. And I'm shaking my head, thinking about how just over a year ago, I had NO IDEA I was going to add "church planter's wife" to my list of roles. What a crazy ride we've been on!

This week has caused a lot of emotions to rise within me. I think a lot of the questions, doubts, fears, whatever you call them, have been simmering beneath the surface of my soul for a while, and I think two things caused them to finally boil: a week away at a conference titled "Sifted", and the approaching reality of Baby L's arrival.

The theme of the conference was "Sifted", based on Luke 22:31-32:

"Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail."

I kept thinking about how relatively easy the move to Madison was for us. And how smoothly we settled into a new life, a new routine. But then I thought, "Has it really been that smooth? Or have I just been 'gettin' it done'?" Moving forward, accomplishing, driving, settling, "succeeding" ... have I really stopped to allow myself the emotion of moving across the country? Or of taking such a huge step of faith? I think at times I had, early on, so I just assumed I was okay by now.

Well here's the thing: I think I'm being or about to be sifted.

My fears of being a mother of two, my anxieties of the "7 year itch" in marriage, my constant voice of discouragement in my head about my job and ambitions (or lack there of) in my field, my insecurities about my ability to support my husband and help lead a church ... these things are all coming to a head, and honestly?

I WANT to be sifted. I WANT to face some (or all) of this junk head on, dig to the root of it, and figure out a way to come out on the other side, not unscathed, but stronger because of my battle. I'm sick of running, hiding, denying, ignoring. 

One of the workshop leaders encouraged me to read this psalm, and I'm in love with it. :)

"Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Who have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
For behold, those who are far from you shall perish;
you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works."
Psalm 73:23-28

"It's All About Community"

I don't even know how or why it started, but the phrase has stuck with me.

"It's all about community."

My friend Terri came to visit me in Denver in what feels like many many years ago now. (We're so old you know.)

As we tootled around Denver and the Front Range area, somehow we got stuck on this phrase "It's all about community."

I honestly don't remember why this came about, but like I said, it has stuck with me.

And it's so stinkin' true!

As many of you know, we moved in September to Sun Prairie, Wisconsin, just outside of Madison to help our friends, Dave and Becky Tilma, with the church they were in the process of launching. After a few months of settling in, it was decided that Erik would take over "community" at Ezra, while Dave headed up the one-on-one discipleship component.  (This is of course among the dozens of other things they divvy up as the only full time staff. :) )

This suits Erik--and his wife (me :) )--well, as our experience in ministry has caused us to become firm believers in the importance of some type of small group--life group, growth group, cell group. Call 'em what you want, but the key idea is this: It's all about community. (Of course, it's also "all about" Jesus, getting in the Word, serving etc, but community's right up them in importance.)

So in February, Growth Groups were launched. I've been leading a women's group with eight attending, including myself. And may I just say, it has been a BLAST! Because ....

It's all about community. 

Some comments from the ladies throughout these 10 weeks so far:

At the start of week 2: "I loved knowing people at church on Sunday! I could say hi to, like, 6 ladies I usually would have walked right past!"

"I wish this Growth Group could go on forever!"

"Yeah--her husband's going to help us fix our car this weekend. I love knowing people at church!"

"I love coming each week--even though we're all different ages and stages, I've learned so much from these ladies!"

"Can we do another women's Growth Group?"

"Can we do a women's retreat? I think that'd be a blast, now that I know people."

"I've never thought about these topics before ... and I love discussing the book with my new friends!"

"Can we have a reunion?!"

I could go on and on and on ... but let's suffice it to say .... :)

It's all about community. 

We can read the Word, pray to our Lord, even show up weekly on a Sunday morning and sip coffee and eat donuts together. But if we're not investing in someone else's life, and allowing someone else to invest in ours, and taking off our masks and getting real with each other, we're seriously missing out.





Seriously.

So, if your church offers some sort of small group experience and you've been too scared, or too busy, or too whatever to try one out--DO IT NOW.

Because ..... Say it with me ....

It's all about community!!!

My Life Lately

Life is a little bit of a blur lately. I remember the beginning of August ... but I'm not quite sure when and how it became August 25th. I remember saying that I wanted August to be over ... and here it is almost over and I'm not sure how I feel about that!

I'm excited to move and start this adventure--an adventure we've been talking about and planning for since April. 

I'm scared silly to do every day life without our amazing support network of family and friends.

I'm anticipating the joy of discovering a new life and new friendships. 

I'm nervous for the meltdown that I know will come once I've used up all the adrenaline from moving.

I'm counting on the growth that will be forced upon me in new situations and life experiences.

I'm grieving the inevitable fade of friendships and loss of connection--Facebook is incredible, but there's nothing like a real live squishy human hug.

I'm in awe of how quickly this has happened ... and shocked at how slow these months have seemed. 

I'm proud of us for doing this ... and nostalgic already for "the good ole days" in Colorado. 

I'm looking forward to doing life in Sun Prairie ... and I'm already tired of saying goodbye in Colorado. And it has truly barely begun .... 

Awareness and articulation--these are two words that have stuck out to me lately. I, increasingly every day, become aware  of my feelings, emotions (and hormones I'm sure!) that are swirling around inside of me. And after a bit of processing, it becomes very essential that I be allowed to articulate these feelings and emotions, without fear of rejection, bad consequences, and/or toooooo much sympathy and pity. Aware, articulate, move on. (and sometimes revisit!) That's been my process lately. So, if you run into me, and I randomly blab some form of articulation about how I'm feeling--I'm sorry! If it sounds for a minute like I'm crabby about this move--I'm not! I'm just in the process of processing. The journey of awareness and articulation. It's a rollercoaster, that's for sure.

But let's be very clear about one thing: I am choosing this. Choosing this because God has called us to it, and I choose to be in His will. Because as much as I'd love to be near family, as much as I'd love to stay with friends, as much as I love my view of the mountains .... His place for me is far better than my place for me. So do not be confused. I am not angry, I am not kicking and screaming, I am not fighting. I'm just aware, and articulating. :)

Waterfalls, Dams and Kinkos.

I cry a lot lately.

Just here and there, and everywhere--any random thing can make the waters rise and trickle down my cheeks.

At the local park, as I round the corner of the pond and gaze on the most beautiful mountain range I've ever lived near and realize that I'm leaving my mountains.

At the FedEx/Kinkos office, where James, the most helpful and kindest employee ever, remembers my name, and recalls that my son is about 1 1/2 (Josh is 15 months old--I'd say James was pretty close!)

At the weekly Bible study with ladies I've taken for granted and now realize I will deeply deeply miss ... no explanation needed. The tears flow just writing about it.

At the sound of Joshua squealing and clapping in delight as we make the right turn into my parents' drive. My tears could rival waterfalls in the Amazon.

At the memories in this home, the far off voices in the walls, the images that float through the halls. The dam might break forever if I contemplate what leaving this house will feel like.

At the moment in Denver where I thought I heard someone call our names. No one did, but the fact that I knew we could run into someone we knew was wonderful. Until I remembered we're moving to a place where no one knows us and it'll be rare for many years for us to run into people we know anywhere we go.

At the twists and turns and streets and stoplights that I can navigate in my sleep, and have since high school.

At the reassurance that I always have a place to go when I need a break, a hug or some super super super ridiculously strong coffee. (A.K.A. Mom and Dad's. The coffee is always stronger when Mom makes it though...)

At the truth that explodes in my heart that while this is where I'm known, this is where I reside, this is where I wish I could live forever ... I'm no longer called to be here. The tears that well and gush and flow at that are a mixture of grief and hope. Grief at leaving my home, and hope at the prospect of an adventure. Grief at leaving the known for the unknown, and hope at the blessings of following the call of my Lord. Grief and hope ... tears and more tears.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again--moving is hard.

Support: We Need It

To all my friends and family out there:

As you know, we are preparing to move to Madison, WI to help launch a church. Ezra Church (www.ezrachurch.com) just started officially in April. We plan to move there at the end of August, and are pretty excited for this adventure!

We are seeking prayer and financial supporters. This could be you! (In fact, if you are a follower of Christ and know how to pray, than I KNOW this is you. :) )

We've heard it said that church planting is on the "front lines" of ministry--Satan does not want effective, vibrant churches to flourish in the nation! 3,500-4,000 churches CLOSE every year in America. And only 1,000-1,500 are planted. This is why we believe in taking this next step! A new church plant has advantages in reaching people for Christ:
A: It's a fresh new start--it's new, people wanna check it out.
B: It has a strong vision--hey, the vision was just created, so it hasn't had time to dilute and fade yet!
C: It's outreach focused--there is no "in" club, no cliques--everyone is new!

Please consider joining us in the adventure. If you'd like to join our prayer team, please email me at kristin.lindeen @ gmail.com (omit spaces). If you'd like to find out how to make a monthly financial commitment, or even give a one time gift, please contact me! I'd love share more with you.

And check out Erik's blog at www.lindeenfamily.com.


Thank you for your support! We couldn't do this without you.

Mixed Up, Muddled & In Between

What a funny stage of life we're just now entering. I feel a little Mixed Up--Where am I going? What am I supposed to be doing again? Who am I connecting with?

I feel pretty Muddled--Wait, what? Who's idea was this? What's the plan again?
And definitely, quite In Between.

Part of my heart is in Madison, because I know that's where we're going.
Part of my heart is in Broomfield, because that's where I just left.
Part of my heart is and always will be in Colorado, because it's my home, my safe place, my family.
Part of my heart is ... in San Francisco? :)

I feel so In Between.

We just started the newest phase in our life--the In Between Colorado and Wisconsin phase. The In Between Discovery and Ezra phase. The In Between known and unknown phase. The In Between home and adventure phase.

And I'm not quite sure what to do ... do I pack? Or do I not? Do I plan? Or do I not? How do I keep doing life here, since parts of my life have not changed, all the while knowing that this life I'm doing is rapidly coming to a close? I just don't know.

We're learning how to have more faith than ever. We're learning how to raise support, when really, we have no idea how. We're learning to cast a vision to others for something we've only just grasped ourselves. We're learning how to walk this road together. We're learning how to relax, let go, be still--and know that He is God.

That's a lesson I've supposedly learned many times in the past, and it's a lesson I'll continue to learn for the rest of my life. I'm so Mixed Up, Muddled and In Between ... and God is right here with me. And so, I know we'll be okay.

End of an Era

I don't know if it's because we're not actually moving yet.

Or if it's due to an incredible layer of denial in me that just can't accept that we're leaving.

Either way, I woke up this morning, knowing it was our last day at Discovery Church, but for some reason, did not think through the emotional ramifications of that fact.

I wore non-water proof mascara.

What was I thinking??

It first dawned on me that maybe I was under prepared when I found Lisa, our pastor's wife, debating wearing mascara at all.

I was further enlightened when three women in a row saw me, gave me that head tilt and sad smile and asked, "How ya doing?"

Hmmm ... apparently this is an emotional morning?

Like I said, maybe it's because our house isn't packed, we're here until August-ish ... or maybe I'm in denial. I'm really starting to wonder.

At least now I can picture where we're going, I've met some of the people. I tell friends all the time, "Yep! We're moving to Madison! It's bittersweet--we're excited for the adventure, but sad to leave our home of 6 years and all the family and friends we have here." I explain our reasoning, how God has led us and can articulate the need for churches and outreaching Christians in the area we are going to.

And yet, a big part of me can't believe we're going ..

And so today ...

My last day on stage singing to my Lord at Discovery. 

My last day hugging students in the hall and talking about sunburns, boys and summer jobs. 

My last day chasing Joshua through a sea of legs, and soaking in peoples' love for him. 

My last day partaking in the best communion bread I've ever tasted. 

My last day with a pastor with a cool accent. 

My last day with a view of the mountains when I walk to my car. 

My last day at the church that's members helped me through infertility. 

My last day in a place where I've finally found community. 

My last day as a youth pastor's wife ...  

I just wasn't ready.  I should have worn water proof mascara.

This thought has been rolling around in my head for the last day--Just because I don't want to leave here, doesn't mean God doesn't have work for me there. Simple enough, and it's true. And so I just keep reminding myself. When I was 15, I didn't want to move to Colorado. And yet, that transition set a whole different course of action in my life, and so will this.

Discovery, thank you. Thank you for four years of support, tears, joys, learning, stretching, laughing, growing, singing, decorating, planning, partying, loving, meeting, crying, hugging, praying, hoping ...


I just still can't believe we're done ... but here's looking forward to the next adventure. It's because of the send off today, and the support I know we have from our family here that we have the courage to take this next step. So here's to change, faith, and Madison, Wisconsin--get ready, the Lindeens are coming!

44 days

A few nights ago, I was at a really low point. I'm realizing it has kinda sorta maybe been a really rollercoaster-y 6 weeks, and my breaking point was rapidly approaching.

We only just were informed (by God) about our life direction change toward Ezra Church on April 9, 2011.

April 9th. That was only 44 days ago.

44 days.

And in that 44 days, we have experienced:

the excitement of realizing an adventure is upon us
the incredible grief of announcing this life change to my parents and sisters
the bittersweet emotions of preparing to leave our Discovery family
the yucky-ness of telling our students
the thrill of visiting Madison/Ezra for the first time
the reality check of visiting Madison/Ezra for the first time
the shock and devastation of losing a student's father to cancer
the sadness of leaving the only home we've known as a married couple
the stress of packing and decluttering a home for listing
the fatigue of processing various emotions
the awkwardness of each feeling differently than the other
the questions of the unknown future
the peace of knowing this is right

It has been a crazy 44 days. And I'm sure the next 44 will bring their own surprises. I just hope I can continue to learn how to process. emote. vent. pray. trust. and let go.

When God moves, He sure moves!

Wow, I can't believe it has been 2 1/2 weeks since I last blogged! And that was like, a cheater blog, since most of it was something I'd written years ago!

Well, a lot has happened lately. My silence in the blogging world was partially due to the fact that I wasn't able to "talk" about our life changes yet, until official announces were made, and also due to my complete and total shock at what God has done and is doing.

When God moves, He sure moves!

Since the beginning of April, God has made many things clear:

1. Our time in ministry at Discovery Christian Church is rapidly coming to a close.
2. Our time in Colorado is also coming to a close, though not as rapidly.
3. Our sense that God was going to do something big in 2011 was dead on.
4. Our impression back in the spring/summer of 2010 that someday we'd be church planters was quite accurate.
5. Our next phase in life will be in Madison, WI helping with the newly launched Ezra Church with good friends Dave and Becky Tilma.

What the ... ?!

Yep, that's how I feel too. :)

I just had no idea. But that's how God tends to move in my life. For whatever reason, He allows me to only see what is currently happening. All I knew was life here in CO was good, Erik was a little antsy at his job and wondering what was to come ... and then BAM--we're listing our house, telling our families, and starting the process of raising support to move to Madison, WI as missionary church planters.

I did NOT see this coming.

I'm still processing--every day brings a new emotion. Every day brings a new "what if?" and "are you sure that .... ?" and "how do we know when ... ?"

What's so funny, is that no matter how I'm feeling, no matter how annoyed or depressed, or rebellious, or stubborn or sad, or guilty or questioning, at the end of the day, I know we're going to Madison.

I know this is where God is calling us.

I can't say I'm completely and totally 100% emotionally invested yet--but I'm getting there.

I can say, "God, I will go where you go. I will stay where you stay. I will follow you."

Obediently, and willingly, we will move to Madison. The whowhatwhenwherewhynowhow questions will continue to come, and I will continue to process.

But in the midst of it all, I will go. Because He is Lord, and I am not. I'd rather be on His path and live in Wisconsin, than be off His path, and live in beautiful Colorado.

Message from the Past: Letter #2

Exactly 7 years ago, I wrote the note below to my hall of freshmen, sophomore and junior women. Funny--I needed to hear this wisdom today. Supposedly I'm now 7 years wiser than I was, 7 years older, 7 years more seasoned in the ways of man and God ... and yet, this reminder, from a younger, naiver (is that a word?), less tainted me was a breath of fresh air. Humorous, isn't it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

April 28, 2004

My beautiful ladies…how are you doing? Life is a whirlwind right now, isn’t it?  In the midst of all this chaos, remember to “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts…” (Colossians 3:15) and “be still and know that [He] is GOD…” (Psalm 46:10).

I’ve been reading in 1 Samuel and was struck by this paragraph in Hannah’s prayer:

The LORD brings death and makes alive; he brings down to the grave and raises up.  The LORD sends poverty and wealth; he humbles and he exalts.  He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes and has them inherit a throne of honor. For the foundations of the earth are the LORD’s; upon them he has set the world.  He will guard the feet of his saints, but the wicked will be silenced in darkness. 

­­It is not by strength that one prevails. (1 Sam. 2:6-9)

The LORD is over all the earth; what makes me think He’s not over me? 

Or that He needs help guiding my life? 

All He asks is that we be faithful to pursue Him and surrender all.  Hold your life with open hands, and He will bless you in His way and His time. 

I love you girls and pray that you continue to learn to let the LORD show you His path for you. Don’t try to blaze your own trail; by your own strength, you will fail. With Christ, all things are possible!

~~~~~~~~~~~ 

I was reminded today that I answer to and only to Christ. My service here on this earth, no matter with what group of people or in what area, is for Christ. People will fail us; people will hurt us. People will reject us and people will neglect us. 

But my God humbles and my God exalts. My God brings death and my God makes alive. My God is in charge, and He is who I serve. No matter how ugly life on earth gets, no matter how hurtful life can be, my God is greater, my God is stronger ... 

And I serve Him.

The Benefit of my Laziness

I've been "reading" a book for a while now. I put reading in quotations because I've read it off and on since August. It's only 194 pages; you'd think I would have finished it by now. But, being the way I am, unless it's a novel, I rarely even finish a book. I tend to get bored about 1/3 of the way through.

For whatever reason, I've continued to push through this book. (And We Are Changed by Priscilla Shirer)

It's a good book, and I'm glad I've read it, albeit very slowly.

But I do believe today I benefited from my laziness.

Life has thrown me some curve balls in the last few months, and I'm trying to keep my head above water. For whatever reason, the changes coming at us are challenging me more than I ever expected. There's nothing I can do to avoid the coming changes, and I often feel hurt and confused. With the wise words of my sister-in-law marching through my mind, I'm daily trying to  

"in my frustration, avoid sin". 

It's not easy. 

And then today, on a whim, I dug this book out of the pile that sits collecting dust next to my favorite chair. I wanted to read a different book, but I feel strangely obligated to finish this one first.

Here are some phrases and thoughts I underlined today:

"When life gets painful, don't hang your head in despair. Look up. Keep your eyes open for the next move of God. He is preparing you for something big. Your heavenly Father's next move is...

More radical than your terrifying crisis ... 

more stunning that your devastating pain ... 

more powerful than your overwhelming circumstances ... 

more miraculous than your wildest imagination. 

God's next move is awesome, and He is preparing you to receive it. You must now position yourself to change paths."

"... Our task is not to spend our time looking at the circumstances but rather to look up--to turn our attention to the Lord."

"...don't stare at the heartache and the hurt. Position yourself for change by looking up!" 

"We need to make sure that in these times when we feel most vulnerable, we are carefully making wise choices. We must look upward to see what the Lord would have us do and what He is trying to teach us so that we can make the right decision."

"When you and I are saddened by life's trials, it is acceptable to be sad, upset, and even angry, but it is not acceptable to allow these emotions to overtake and control us. This is precisely what the devil wants. You do not have to be consumed with bitterness, fear, sadness, or depression ... you can choose a different emotional path."

These are words I desperately needed to read. And listen to. And so, though I feel like an incredible loser for taking more than 8 months to read a 194 page book, I am pretty sure God worked in and through my laziness and spoke to me this morning.

I can't control what's happening. I can't talk it away, obsess it away, or charm it in a different direction.

I can allow my emotions to dictate my days, choose to tear myself and my relationships apart, and let Satan and my own selfish desires get a foothold in my heart.  

Or, I can "choose a different emotional path" and "look up."

I think that's just what I'll choose to do.

9 teenagers and a 10 month old

Every other Sunday night, we welcome 11 teenagers into our home for dinner and discipleship class AKA The Furnace.

I feed them dinner, while also feeding Joshua. The teens are great with Joshua, and he thrives in this social, crazy environment. (He's actually more scared of children his own age than of teens. Does this tell us something about who with and where we spend the bulk of our time??) Erik and I entertain, discuss life, ask questions, wipe dirty fingers (Josh's, of course), get refills, grab napkins, prepare Bible study, change diapers (again, Josh's...) ... 

It's chaos in real time. It's craziness defined. It's a normal person's vision of ludicrous-ness.

I. Love. It.

(L-R, skipping Erik) Wil (Senior), Drew (Senior), Jose (Freshman), Stephanie (Junior), Matthew (Senior),
Charlene (Freshman), Casey (Senior), Jessica AKA Mackey (Junior), Bethany (Sophomore), Me (feeling old).
Not pictured: Samantha (Junior) and John (Freshman).

I love that we can meld together so many unique personalities and come up with something so beautifully hilarious. These kids bring such joy to my life (and some drama, which is good for me, I guess ...)

I love that Matthew just randomly spouts off an impersonation of Jesus, as he quotes Scripture to the group.

I love that Drew almost physically forces Jose and Wil to publicly give thanks for something Drew had done for them earlier--and somehow gets laughs while doing it.

I love how Jose's face lights up when he shares that his "high" of the week was getting an iPod touch.

I love that, for all of Stephanie's subtle (and not so subtle) sarcasm and her attempts to appear cooly rebellious, she always has her homework done for class and is actually quite responsible. ;)

I love that Wil, in his own quietly funny way, will answer a question with surprising wisdom, but almost always caps it off with "... um ... yeah ......."

I love that my sister Charlene can hold her own with a group she's not with very often, and actual shows some surprising wit. She gets it all from me, of course.

I love that Casey, a superb student, read the wrong book (Luke instead of James) but instead of being mortified or defensive, she just uses every opportunity to remind us of how much Luke has to offer ...  When we talked about how James writes that Satan is the tempter, not God, she interjects that Satan tempts Jesus ... in Luke. On other topics, she'd say ... "It says that too ... in Luke." and to top it all off, she actually tried to convince us to assign Luke for next time ... "Can we read Luke for next time?", she suggests, with a sly smile. Casey Casey Casey --you sure make me smile.

I love that Mackey, for as quiet as she can be, is actually quite goofy and random. Sometimes others might forget she's there, so quiet is she on the couch taking everything in. But I never forget ... and when I'm able to draw her out, her quirky nature and good hearted humor lift my spirits.

I love that Bethany isn't scared to question status quo, and often speaks up with a depth that still surprises me ... always good for thought provoking moments that one is.

What would I do without these teens, who challenge me to know my stuff, walk my talk, and remember to live a little in this life? What a blessing to welcome this group, and others, into my life, and into my home for the time being. I pray this is something I'm always able to do, no matter where life may take me.

My Life is Bejeweled--not Bedazzled.

I recently downloaded the game "Bejeweled" to my Blackberry.

I love it.

It has been a rough few weeks, and "Bejeweled" has been a mind numb-er for me. Good or bad, I've been allowing it.

Today was no exception.

Joshua, just about to hit 11 months, has discovered The Tantrum. Complete with laying face down on the floor and shrieking. Good times. Good times. 

I just "re-entered" from a two day trip to Vegas. Good times. Good times. 

Big questions loom in our future, with  no clear cut answers coming anytime soon. Good times. Good times. 

And so I play "Bejeweled".

Just now, as I sat in my favorite chair and mindlessly played the game,
I kept getting stuck on one level. "No moves!" the screen would shout,
and I'd try again. "No moves!"

You know it has been an emotionally charged few hours when I begin to choke up and shed tears because the stupid cell phone game is yelling at me, "No moves!"

And then it hit me--this is my life right now. 

I feel like I have "no moves". And I'm not talking about my dance skills at Jazzercise.

My life, in many ways, is dictated by other peoples' decisions. Other peoples' choices. Other peoples' agendas.

And I have no moves.

I can whine and vent and scream and compile and push and prod and encourage and ask and request ....

But at the end of the day, I have no moves. It's out of my hands. There's nothing I can do.

I can pray, and wait, and seek ... but we all know that knowing that, and being patient through the process are two very different things.

At least with "Bejeweled" I can quit the game. Sometimes I wish I could quit the game in life too. Just throw up my hands and walk away. I don't want to face the challenge, I don't want to be refined. I just want to turn off the cell phone, and find something else to do.

As it is with life, when playing "Bejeweled", I often power through, determinedly forcing myself to keep on keeping on ... only to finally reach the next level and instead of finding relief and triumph, I feel an overwhelming sense of fatigue and discouragement.

This level looks mightily like the last ...

and it only gets tougher from here on out.

A Peek into my Head

As I sit here at this keyboard, I feel a little stalled. I want to blog--I really do. I know it feeds my soul, and sometimes ministers to others. I'm blessed by the impact my words have had on others throughout the years, and I would hope that God would choose to continue working through me that way.

But can He?

Oops ... scratch that. WILL He? (Because, of course, I know He CAN do whatever He chooses.)

Will He work through me?

When I'm hardly in the Word?
Barely eeking out prayers?
Discontent with parts of my life?
Exhausted and overwhelmed?
When I'm selfish and stubborn?
Critical and lazy?

Will He work through me when my life is disorganized, out of sync, swirling, whirling and possibly not in line with Him?

Will He?

Hm ... this got a little more dramatic than I meant it to. Ha--story of my life!

I'm really struggling with this whole transition to motherhood. I'm realizing that I naively thought Joshua would just fit right alongside me in my current life. That adding a baby really was just like adding an accessory--he would make me look pretty, add a taking piece to my daily life, and come along with me wherever my whims took me.

SOOOO not the case.

What was I thinking?

Did I really think I could work from home, with no outside help to watch my child?
Did I really think I could continue serving with the youth ministry in the same capacity, and that Joshua would just sleep in the corner of the youth group room on Wednesdays?
Did I really think I'd still get to the gym to work on my fitness at least 2 times a week?

Did I really think the shoes could stay by the front door, the fire place could be turned on, the cat food/water could stay on the kitchen floor, the photo books could stay on the coffee table shelf, and the computer cords could continue to dangle off the dining room table?

Words like: Organize. Prioritize. Schedule. Evaluate. Time Management. How do they make you feel? They make me want to puke. Which is ironic, because Time Management was one of my favorite seminars to teach when I was an academic advisor.

I just about died when I read my sister-in-laws FB status the other day. Something about creating yearly, monthly, weekly, daily, hourly, minutely schedules. (Okay, there's that propensity for the dramatic again. I'm pretty sure she stopped at daily ...) I read her status and immediately felt sick to my stomach. "I can't do that!" was my thought. And yet, it's quite possible, that I could.

I called said sister-in-law the other day to get advice. She is mother to 3 amazing kiddos, and somehow manages to cook, keep house, teach classes at a music school, and still have coffee here and there with friends. What the ??!! I remember saying to her something to the effect of, here I am, with college degree on top of college degree...someone who trains others on how to manage time and succeed in life ... and I can't figure out how to create and stick to any sort of schedule. AH!!! And she said lots of good stuff ... too bad I'm so caught up in my drama right now to listen very well to anyone. But I do know she said something about trying and failing and trying again. And not trying to be perfect. Hm....think she knows me at all?

I think so.

Well, this "peek in my head" turned out to be more of a stream of consciousness with no real point. Other than to let you understand how confused my head is right now. Hopefully it was semi entertaining for you ... I think I'm glad I did it. Except I gave up a quick nap to do this instead ... hmmm ... Ask me at 5pm tonight when Josh is fussy and I'm alone with him for the evening and I have a headache if I'm glad I chose blogging over napping.

Part II: Pastor's Wife ... You wanna WHAT?!

I remember the day like it was yesterday. We were in my husband's car--his sexy black car. (I mention this because now my husband drives my old Ford Taurus. It's red. And it's a Taurus.) But I digress.

We were in my husband's sexy black car and we were driving north on Holly toward our home. This is how clearly I recall this day. My husband, God bless his heart, was talking about church--one of his top 3 favorite topics for car rides.

I was engaging in the conversation, listening, hemming, hawing, adding my two cents when all of the sudden he said this:

"So then I thought that maybe someday I'd like to plant a church."

He paused. I paused. Time stood still. He glanced sideways at me ... "What would you say to that?" 

I paused some more. Cleared my throat, turned to look him square in the eye (as much as one can look a driver square in the eye) and said quite clearly:

"Do you want to get a divorce?"

That was maybe two years ago. After that response, he dropped the topic for a long time. I mean really, what did he expect? I'd literally just gotten used to the whole pastor's wife idea. Now I was supposed to just jump for joy at the thought of being a lead pastor's wife, not to mention a church-planter's wife?! This was just too much for me to bear.

So now picture this: my water has broken. I'm wrapping up emails. It's April 21, 2010. My firstborn child is on his way. My husband comes home. He happened to have his review that afternoon, and wants to talk about it a little. I'm fine with that--I mean, I've got nothing else to do since contractions hadn't started. So he starts to tell me about his meeting with Steve. Then he tells me that Steve brought up church planting--in reference to Erik planting a church, just to be clear--no less than 3 times during their meeting. 3 times. On April 21st. With my water breaking. He's talking about church planting again, while I'm leaking water. With a baby on the way. 

You can imagine my response. 

I stared pointedly at him, gestured at my belly and said:

"Pretty sure last time I threatened divorce. Perhaps now is not the best time to bring it up again."

It has been 8 weeks since that day. 8 weeks of incredible life change. 8 weeks of ups and downs and very little sleep. And what thought has been there consistently? What image can I not get out of my mind? What idea is growing slyly in the recesses of my sub consciousness? 

Church planting.

It comes up often, it comes up clearly and it's ME bringing it up. Me. The one who wanted to marry a businessman/teacher/sports broadcaster, or a man with a vague career in the field of social work, communications, or higher education.

Notice how Rock Star turned Worship Guy turned Youth Pastor turn Church Planter is not part of that list.  

Funny, isn't it?

Part I: Pastor's Wife ... Who me?

When I was 8, I told God that I wanted to marry a business man. Not a pastor. I was very specific in my statement. Notice I was telling God--not requesting, not asking, not simply expressing a desire. I was informing Him of how my life would be. (FYI--this became a pattern ... )

I revised this statement in high school when I was dating a guy who probably wasn't going into business. So, I modified my submission to include a man who might be a teacher or a sports broadcaster. I reaffirmed the "not a pastor" piece, and felt quite content with my future. 

Then in college, I suffered a number of crushes on a variety of guys, so my "Life Partner Qualifications" became even more broad, to include social work, vague careers in the field of communications, and higher education. While I did "crush" on guys who wanted to go into ministry, I knew that their desire to pastor people was an indication that I would not spend my life with them. So the "not a pastor" requirement held strong. 

I started dating Erik. Luckily, he wanted to be a rock star. So I was safe. 

Then I realized, he actually already worked at a church. *Gasp* No worries though--he was the Youth Worship Guy. Translation? Rock Star. So, still safe.

We got engaged. (Yippee!) He job searched. (Not so yippee ... ) He got a job--at a church. As a Youth Pastor. (It's okay. This I can deal with.) See, Youth Pastor's Wife is not so scary. Youth Pastor's Wife is actually kinda cool. You get to stay young by hanging out with the Next Gen kiddos. You get to be cool by knowing their lingo etc. etc. It's not like being a *gulp* real Pastor's Wife. Yikes. 

Then my wonderful husband decided to job search again (yippee because it was time, but not yippee because it's no fun.) He was really debating between going the Worship Guy route (i.e. Rock Star) or the Youth Pastor route (i.e. I'd kinda be a PW, but it'd be okay cuz I'd be cool. As explained above.)

Because God is who/how He is/likes to be, Erik ended up with a job where he is not only the Worship Guy (i.e. Rock Star), but is also the Youth Guy (i.e. sorta deemed a pastor, depending on who you ask) and also kinda falls into the "Number 2" position (i.e. he's one of only two full time staff, so, well, you do the math.)

So what does this make me? After all this suggesting, telling, stating and submitting to the Lord? 

A PASTOR'S WIFE!!!!

How did this happen? I specifically told God my requirements, and yet here I am: a PW. 

What is God up to?