Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Home Sick

It's amazing what i can learn by essentially being quarantined to my couch. Due to the amount of T.V. i have absorbed in the last 48 hours, I now:

Know that ... the coolest new Crayola toy is 3D markers and paper--with glasses. what happened to good ole crayons?

Recognize that ... Oxyclean is the new "baking soda" of laundry.

Am aware that ... Bentley Baths now has a competitor...but both commercials show old ladies in bathtubs, so it's just doubly weird now.

Can sing ... the "National American University" song word for word.

Found that ... if I'm in a car accident, I should have my registration and license ready, and after calling 9-1-1, I should call 4-1-1. Or wait, should I call 1-800-LAW-HELP instead?

Have decided that ... Frank Azar has a lot of competition...Who to call? Who-to-call? Such a decision...

Am overwhelmed ... ITT Tech, Penn Foster, Heritage College, CollegeAmerica, Westwood, Denver Massage School, Redstone College ... so many CHOICES!!

Kind of believe that ... Suburu cares about the environment.

Agree that ... fruit is healthy to eat. thanks, Government, I wasn't aware.

See that ... Pop tarts are no longer acceptable. Pillsbury wins.

Suggest that ... car insurance commercials are the most ingenious marketing packages ever. Allstate makes you think, Geico makes me laugh, Progressive is just plain creative.

All that knowledge just from
commercials! I won't even get into what I learned from Judge Mathis, Maury and Days of our Lives!

Friday, March 20, 2009

This isn't a happy one...

Sometimes I feel guilty that many of my posts are depressing. But then I think, 'hey--the title of the blog is 'Glimpses of Me'. If you don't like what you see, than don't read it!'

This morning has suddenly turned rough.

When you're young and you chatter with your friends about having children, fertility struggles never cross your mind. My friends and I would just list the amount of children we'd want, and doodle their potential names all over our notebooks. Brandon James, Alyssa Katherine, Clara Elizabeth ... Then as we grew older, and starting dating and marrying, we simply thought we'd settle into marriage for about two years, and then start having kids.

Not start trying to have kids. We just assumed it would happen. Fertility problems are for older women--not me.

But you know what? It's just not that easy. Well, actually, it is that easy--for most of my friends. For most of the people I meet. But not for me. Not for us.

"They" don't tell you a lot of things about having children. About trying to have children.

1. You have to actually try. That just doesn't cross your mind when you're 12 and dreaming about having 5 kids.

2. There's only a very small window when it actually works. This is a "best kept secret." Don't tell all the high schoolers.....

3. You might get pregnant, but you can lose it. 1 in 5 are lost. I'm that 1. Two times over.

4. They don't tell you that, over time, you won't know what to say anymore to God. He's not answering, so why even ask?

5. I never knew that something as happy as trying to have kids could actually hurt your marriage.

6. They don't warn you about the emotional highs and lows--the inevitable fact that for 2 weeks out of every month, you will slowly and methodically go crazy.

7. I didn't know there was something called the "Two Week Wait". It's during this two week wait that one's reserves are depleted, strength is obliterated, and all hope fades.

8. When I dreamed with my friends about having kids, it never occurred to me that they all would ... and I wouldn't. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

9. I never pictured myself as "That Woman"--the one who cries when she prints her friends' Target baby registry lists, the one who wanders the baby section with tears in her eyes as she picks out items for others that she wishes she could buy for herself.

10. I didn't know that something as pure as the desire to carry a child and be a mother ... could tear me apart and leave me sobbing on the kitchen floor.

So, I wonder--all these things I didn't know--do I wish I had known them beforehand? Probably not. Why?
Because no amount of reality, no amount of forethought, no amount of bracing could have prepared me for the most gut wrenching struggle of my life. As I drip tears all over the keys of my keyboard, and as my hands shake so much I can hardly type, I truly wonder--it all this worth it?

Monday, March 16, 2009

It's So Strange to Be Alone!

As I woke up this morning, I was conscious of the fact that I was splayed diagonally across the bed. And I was a little cold.

That's because there was no sleeping lump beside me to take up room or keep me warm. I could turn the lights on and talk to the cats without worry of bothering Erik. I took a lazy shower, and wandered downstairs to make coffee and check email.

Most of my mornings are spent just like this, but I can usually still hear the breathing of my husband still in dreamland upstairs. It's so strange to be alone!

Yet, I'm alone all the time on the road! I guess there, on the road, it is normal to be alone (in king size beds with pillow tops and down comforters. Tough job, but somebody's gotta do it).

Here, in my home, with my cats and my coffee, I expect to hear the creak of the floorboards when Erik finally rolls out of bed. I expect to hear the ridiculously annoying radio come on, just a second before I hear the bathroom door close and the shower come on. I expected to have to go up and turn off the ridiculously annoying radio because it's all commercials, and he can't hear it anyway through the door with the shower on.

I expect to see him doing his hair or putting in contacts when I run upstairs to change. And I expect to have him come downstairs, grab a piece of toast and race out the door to being his day. It's so strange to be alone! But it is SO GOOD FOR US!

Friday, March 6, 2009

Voice from the Past

When the bottom drops out,
Look Up.

Psalm 27, David Looked Up.

The Lord is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?

David refused to cave into fear. Sometimes, it is a sheer force of the will to get myself to Look Up, not around, when walking through trying circumstances in life.

One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.
Daddy's presence always calms a child in a storm; the child Looks Up. When we Look Up, stability, security and safety come.

Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, "See his face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek.

Look Up, and live by faith. And always be thankful.

Circumstances, good and bad, will always be around. God uses them to shape me. Will I Look Up? ... or down?

~Sermon notes, Psalm 27, July 7, 2002

These notes have, for some reason, rested between the pages of my Bible for 6 1/2 years. That is a LONG time to not lose a piece of paper! And yet, considering the words on the page, it's hardly surprising. These words speak to me more now than they did when I was just a carefree sophomore in college.

Psalm 27 is very meaningful to me. If you scanned page 589 in my Bible, you'd see many hand written colored notes in the margin--so many, in fact, that I'm almost out of room. I have arrows connecting the thoughts and dates marking the passage of time. I'd like to share with you ...

The chapter ends with these verses:
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
The notes begin...

Freshman Year 2001-2002
"Let to this again. God's plan is not my own--be content" 6/22/02
"And again ... sermon at church" 7/7/02
"And again ..." 9/22/02
"And again ...'Due Time!'" 6/8/04
"A job for Erik!!!" 4/4/05
"Leaving? Moving?" 7/17/06
"Miscarriage ... " 3/28/07
"Still waiting ..." 8/15/08
"I'm so tired ..." 12/20/08

I know these notes don't mean much, if anything at all, to someone reading this blog. But each date, each color of pen, each word choice reminds me of a time when I was once again led to read those words, "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord". I don't just see the words, "And again..." I hear the tone, picture the image, wrestle with the emotions all over again ...

And as I Look Back, I remember that the times where I found the most peace, are always the times when I chose to Look Up.

And that is when I am so grateful for the voice from my past--me--who reminds me to Wait for the Lord.