Two, Three, One

Months ago, I started counting. I'd count raisins. I'd count socks. I'd count cars on the road and ducks in the sky. I'd count. And count. And count.

It just seemed like the right thing to do. And guess what? Joshua has started counting.

He doesn't quite have the words down yet, or really the sequencing. But he's counting! This morning, in his adorable little voice, he'd ask, "Mama? Ta-tas? [aunties] Thfree?" (He does have three aunties here in Colorado.) Then he'd hold up his little fingers, tilt his head to the side, squinch up his face and ask, "Twoo? Thfree? Won? Ta-tas?" (Only two aunties were here--one was at school.)

That's, like, kinda some addition! And subtraction! Heck, the kid will be multiplying fractions in no time!!

Then later today, he counted fish in the tub. And blueberries in his bowl. And rocks in the Mancala game.

He's counting! 

It's worth it! Since Joshua is my first child, I just didn't know. I didn't know that it was worth it to start counting when he was so young, even though I felt crazy. I didn't know that it was actually working--I just assumed it was what a mommy is supposed to do.

So what did I learn from this little lesson? Couple of things:

1. My gut instincts are good. And often right. {What?! Who woulda thought.}

2. My son is smart. And adorable. {Pretty sure I already knew that, but the reminder is always refreshing.}

3. I'm created to be a mommy. This is what I'm designed to do. It's exhausting and exhilarating. It's rewarding and sometimes revolting. It's humbling and honoring.

My son is learning. He is listening and he is learning. Everything I do he sees, hears, mimics ... what an honor and a responsibility. Good to know, good to remember: I am so blessed by my son.

Imperfect Photos

I'm so annoyed with myself.

My kids look adorable and I wanted to capture the matching outfits. I adjusted blankets, ornaments, presents and seats to prepare for what I knew would be a crazy photo shoot.

During a break from the football game, Erik helped me gather the children and prop them up. Well, Becca we propped up. Joshua we bribed, cajoled, coaxed and entertained in an attempt to get some precious photos.

So why am I annoyed with myself? Because I got frustrated. I got frustrated with my two year old because he wouldn't sit still and smile normally. Because he wouldn't stop saying "cheese" with a squinchy face. Because he wouldn't look at the camera. Because he kept rocking and moving, and laying, and rolling. I got frustrated because my two year old was, well, being two.

My goodness, what else did I expect from him??

He wouldn't be Joshua Nelson Lindeen if he didn't make goofy faces, roll on the floor, pucker up and make oogly noises at his sister. He wouldn't be Joshua and he wouldn't be mine if he wasn't the silly little boy that he is. 

And I must say, the imperfect pictures that we did capture are the most precious, true-to-life pictures I've ever seen. My impish little boy and my smiley miracle baby girl.

We are so blessed. Merry Christmas from the Lindeens!!

Feeling Overwhelmed?

Feeling overwhelmed? I am. I really feel like I shouldn't feel overwhelmed. I mean, Joshua was in daycare for 6 hours today. I was able to squeeze a workout in while Becca napped. Erik did a fair chunk of my normal house hold cleaning yesterday. I was able to get a haircut yesterday. I didn't have a lot of work on my plate today.

And yet, I feel overwhelmed. Sometimes, I just think being an adult is overwhelming.

Keep a clean house.
Understand health insurance.
Swap the laundry.
Feed your kids
Clothe your kids. In moderately clean clothes.
Spend quality time with your spouse.
File your own taxes.
Wash all fruits and veggies. Well.
Play with your kids.
Put gas in the car.
Remember to change the oil.
Balance your checkbook. (What's that?)
Give back to your community.
Establish a circle of friends.
Clean out the fridge.
Unscrew the outdoor hoses. BEFORE it snows.
Change the furnace filter.
Pick up some DrainO.
Take a break.
Hold down a job.
Pursue a career.
Chase your dreams.
Soothe the crying 10 week old who has a tummy ache and just can't be calmed down.

Adulthood is overwhelming. Motherhood is overwhelming. I'm not complaining; I'm just stating a fact.

Good thing tonight Joshua went to bed easily and I really can put my feet up and at least attempt to soothe the bundle of Boo who seems to have a sore tummy. I guess, for this moment in time, I'm not too overwhelmed.

Guitar Picks & Bobby Pins

Everywhere I go in this house, I find guitar picks. 

On the kitchen table, kitchen counters, kitchen floors.

In Joshua's toy bins, between the couch cushions, on the piano bench.

On the dryer, in the lint trap, on the basement floor.

Guitar picks are everywhere. 

This used to irritate me. I'd think, Why can't he just keep them all in one place? When is he going to be more responsible with his picks? {frustrated sigh} {musicians}

Then one day I noticed something ...

Everywhere I go in this house, I find bobby pins. 

Wedged in the carpet, caught under pillows, slipped under shelves.

On the counters, in the car cup holders, on the end table. 

On the dryer, in the lint trap, on the basement floor.

Bobby pins are everywhere. 

This has never irritated me. Why? 

Because the bobby pins are mine.

The guitar picks are his.

Why is it that we (and by "we" I mean wives) see only the things our husbands do and not the things that we do? (by "things" I mean potentially irritating things).

I'm not better than he; and he is no better than I. We each have our oddities; we each have our strengths. We choose to do this life together and therefore ...

Guitar picks and bobby pins are everywhere. 

And always will be.

Totally Worth It

I remember early in my pregnancy with Rebecca, I messaged some friends on Facebook:

Okay, ladies, did you ever have thoughts like this?
"Why in the world am I messing with what I have right now by adding another child??"

Josh plays by himself, he communicates, we have a great family routine ... why in the world am I having another kid??
I just need to know that these thoughts are normal ... and I don't feel like blogging about it right now. :)

They provided me with realistic encouragement, comments about the journeys they've been on, and ultimately helped me realize that I wasn't a bad mom for experiencing some anxiety.

And now, here I am--with one baby eating applesauce, string cheese and milk while watching Curious George, and another baby swaddled up tight to my chest, desperately trying to fall asleep.

Two kids. I have two kids. How crazy is that?

A few lessons I've learned so far in this little-over-three-week journey:

• Mamas weren't lying when they told me to use the Moby wrap. While I still can't stand putting the thing on every time, it sure does help for those late afternoon snoozes Becca needs. 

• A shower really is more compelling than a little more sleep. I never believed my friend Becky when she'd tell me this, but the other morning I chose to shower while Becca and Joshua continued to sleep, even though former-me would have chosen sleep over ANYthing. 

• I'm more able than I realized. Not completely able, not able entirely on my own, but more able than I expected. 

• Second babies really are easier--not because they themselves necessarily are, but because I am less freaked, less anxious, less .... everything. If she sleeps longer than I expected? Great! If she has trouble falling asleep? Great! (Well, not really great at 11:30pm when we've been rocking, bouncing, nursing, swaddling and singing for 90 minutes). But Great! as in, it's okay! Tonight will pass, and tomorrow will come. We'll get through. :) 

• A second child is TOTALLY worth it. It's worth it to see Joshua express affection. It's worth it to see Erik's heart melt at her first coos. It's worth it to feel my naturally selfish heart being chipped away at just a little bit more. It's totally worth it. Totally. 

• Guess what? I do have time for quiet time with God. When Joshua first arrived in my life, I convinced myself that I didn't and that it was okay for the season. It really wasn't. I need that time with God, in His word. Now, am I getting to it every day? No. Is it deep and long and super spiritual feeling? No. Not usually. It's usually to the tune of Sesame Street, interrupted by coos, cries, "please mamas", and diaper changes--size newborn and size 5. But cracking open that Bible, whether on my phone or at my kitchen table amidst the toys, dishes and paperwork, is a crucial step to making it through this stage. And of course, any stage of life. No excuses this time around--God and His word are key in my life, and I will fit it in--it just looks different than before two kids, and before that, one kid. This is my new normal. 

As Becca Boo slumbers and makes me uncomfortably hot, and Joshua buddy excitedly narrates Curious George to me for the 19th time, I am content. I am a mother times two, and wouldn't have it any other way.

Thanks to my friends who encouraged me--you were right on. This is TOTALLY worth it.

Sacred Moments

I'm unnecessarily impatient.

Only 5 days past my 38th week, and I'm aimless, lethargic, and wondering why she hasn't come yet. Silly me--expecting her to be as early as her brother!

So, today, I decided to make the best of it, which meant giving myself the freedom to do absolutely anything Joshua wanted to do. No "No, honey, not now." or "Later baby, Mommy's busy!" Just a lot of "Sure!" "Good idea!" "Oh, you want another buckets of toys? Why not!"

Because I know that any day now (or next week or the next ...) I won't be at liberty to do this anymore. There will be another little human being who actually needs me more urgently than Joshua, and he and I will have to learn to be more separate. So today, I'm soaking up my Joshua time. And boy or boy, does that kid know how to play!

We dove into all sorts of activities. From bubbles, to squirt gun fights, and making of "yum yum" soup (day old hose water with bits of leaves), we had a blast on the deck in the morning shade.

More for Mommy's sanity than for Joshua's, we took a break and watched "Word World" my I mean Joshua's favorite cartoon. We munched on Cheerios and raisins and cuddled up under the froggie blanket on the couch.

Play-Doh was our next endeavor, and while I sat and made cookie cutter animal cutouts, Joshua used the spaghetti maker to make good "yum yum" food for his horse, Roxy.

We did some painting, some coloring, some dancing, some singing, some lay-on-the-floor chatting. Then we did some more painting. (And Mommy learned patience as her son mixed all the colors together to create ... ugly colors.) It's amazing how hard it can be to just let him create, instead of trying to show him how to do it "well". But how incredibly important to do so--for both him and for me! What he creates is so much sweeter than what I would do perfectly-within-the-lines with amazing color coordination and design. I'll take Joshua's creations any day!

We applied tattoos, picked up toys and dumped out new ones. We took some videos and talked a lot about baby sister. I didn't clean, I didn't email, I didn't sort, I didn't fold. I admit, I checked Facebook, and I obviously took photos, but this time was intended to be with my son. Not just near or around, but with. And it was fun!  

 There's truly nothing like taking a moment to relax on the couch and simply listen to the unintelligible language of your two year old as he plays with "rawrs" "people" and "tractors".

When he dribbled black water on the floor, all I could do was give him high five for making it to the sink without completely spilling and thank him for cleaning up his paint project. When he got in the way of my shot of the black water, all I could do was giggle at the awesome picture I captured of a two year old's delight. That face just screams, "My Mommy is present with me, and playing, and I think it's a BLAST to get in the lens of her camera!"


 And what better way to end our time than this: I was putting my tired puffy feet up on the couch and enjoying the sounds of Joshua playing with his Tonka cars. His level of exuberance matched my level of fatigue. Funny how that works! All of the sudden he quieted, and I heard him say his name for his baby sister. He then appeared at my side with his baby doll (named after his sister) and said very clear, "Cuddle deez Mama?"

Yes, Baby, we can cuddle. Today is do-whatever-you-want day. And Mommy sure loves to take time to cuddle!

 As he rested his head on my shoulder, he very adamantly placed baby on my other shoulder and indicated I should hug her. He then proceeded to share his raisins and Cheerios with his baby sister, while he actual baby sister pelted him with strong kicks from inside of me. We talked about life, and how we're going to make a birthday cake for the baby.

Today has been a good day. The house is not clean, the hospital bag is still only partially packed. I have unanswered emails, unwashed dishes, and a dozen little tasks I could be doing instead. But time with my Joshua is fleeting--and I truly don't know how much of this special one-on-one with my Little Buddy I have left. So for now he naps, and I'll rest too. Cuz once he's up and at 'em again, who knows what we'll do!

What has motherhood taught me in 2 1/2 years? The moments are miraculous, but we have to have to have to make time for them. And so today, I did. Because I could!

#enjoythestageyou'rein

#lessonlearned

An {almost} Perfect Day

Today was an {almost} perfect day.

Wanna know why?


4.5% good messy hair bun
11% fun activities
20.5% just us three
23% great weather
41% my chosen attitude

It also helped that Joshua slept til 7:21am, and I only remember having to get up twice in the night to relieve my poor squished bladder.

Isn't it incredible how much my attitude affects my day! I honestly, physically felt the difference this morning in the mood of the home. When Erik (who gets up after me) got up from bed, I CHOSE not to be crabby at him and bitter about his extra sleep. I CHOSE to embrace being a mother--the one who generally wipes up/cleans up/picks up (though Erik has done a lot of that lately ... :) ) I CHOSE to recognize that I was choosing to be on my feet a lot, and do a lot of stuff. I CHOSE to take moments to interact with Josh, but I also CHOSE to not be guilty about letting him play alone, which he was once again doing well--hence an {almost} perfect day.

My husband and I conversed. We parented. We explored {again} the zoo with our adorable son. We ate. We relaxed. We sorted through stuff in the garage (one of my favorite parts of the day...). He ran errands while I rested my feet. I baked communion bread while he watched football. We ate Chinese food for dinner. We watched "You've Got Mail" and munched on popcorn and M&Ms.

Joshua and I colored. We blew bubbles. We shared a pretzel and took photos in a photo booth. We raked the dirt in the yard. We rode the carousel. We fed some ducks. We laid on a froggy blanket and read a book. We made music--he on the drum, and me on the egg shaker. We rang the doorbell. We sang monkey and rhino songs. We did bathtime.

I disciplined. I baked. I boiled pump parts and bottles. I packed my hospital bag. I chatted with my neighbor. I interpreted two-year-old language and calmed a frustrated little boy. Twice today I kissed scraped hands and brushed off dirty knees.

And in all this, I CHOSE. I CHOSE to recognize that a large part of my role as a wife is to do tasks--often mundane ones--that keep this house functioning. I CHOSE to accept that the dirty truth of parenting is that I have to be consistent in my discipline. I CHOSE to laugh with my husband and enjoy my time with him. I CHOSE to think good thoughts about my still unclean house, instead of discouraged ones. I CHOSE to sit down, with my laptop, with my feet up while there are still many messes in this house.

So much of ANY day is about CHOICE. So much of being a mom--and enjoying it--is about CHOICE.

I chose this life, I chose this role, I chose all of this--and when I get over myself and CHOOSE to enjoy it, it is truly wonderful.

Granted, today, due to the amazing weather, good hair day, fun activities and good company it was quite EASY to choose ... I'm still proud of myself for doing so. Many an {almost} perfect day has been not quite {almost} so perfect because my attitude has tainted it.

So what would have made it perfect you ask? If it had been just a tiny bit warmer when we were at the beach ... I wanted to build sand castles and get in the water! And of course, if I went into labor right now....well, then this might just be a {completely} perfect day. :)

Crafty Craft Maker and a Football Fan

When I married my husband, I appreciated greatly that he wasn't a massive football fan.

When my husband married me, he appreciated greatly that I wasn't a crafty craft maker.

My husband now watches lots of football and apparently I'm doing crafts.

What?!

(I blame his change in habits on Wisconsin. My change is, I believe, purely pregnancy related).

Below are before and after shots of my first attempt at something with fabric, cutting, ironing and glue.

Before

After!

 Only one side doesn't have random cut marks, glue seepage, or seams, but hey--that's one whole side that looks nice! Whoot Whoot!

One Grateful Mama

I've had the incredible opportunity this week to take part in a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) certification course in Denver.

• I forgot how much I love being a student. 
• I find myself falling in love again with my green high lighter. 
• I take notes as if everything my instructor says is gold. 
• I appreciate the other students' questions (I don't have many of my own, but always learn from theirs).
• I love drawing a star next to every correct answer I get on the end of the day quiz. :) 

I'm learning all about something I've known I've enjoyed for a long time. I used to spend hours taking any and all types of personality measurements, indicators, quizzes etc online, just to find out more about myself--and see if they all matched. I get energized by talking with others about these topics, and finding out more about what makes a person tick. With this course in MBTI, I am gaining such a depth of understanding of the "types" and "preferences" that I am practically bursting with excitement!

But here's my biggest take away this week ....

I am so blessed to be able to work from home. Every day this week, I've gotten up a little before Joshua, started getting ready, kissed him good morning, handed him over to my parents, and left the house. I've driven downtown, sat in class from 8-5, and then driven home. I've helped with dinner, fed my child, balanced cleaning up emails and doing homework with playing with Joshua in the few precious hours before bedtime. I've put Joshua to bed, crammed in some homework, and slept restlessly all night (either due to Toddler Joshua or Baby L...or both.)

Anyway, all this to say ... I cannot imagine working full time at a place away from my child. I feel like I haven't spent any time with Joshua--I never really realized how much I see Josh! How much time I spend with that kid! 

I walk away from this week, not only with an excitement for and new understanding of MBTI--but also with a deepened awareness and appreciation of my life. 

I find it amusing that Erik just happened to blog yesterday on kind of the same topic--appreciation for family.

Without my parents and sisters, I couldn't have done this certification. Without my parents, I wouldn't be blessed with the job that I have that enables me to stay home with my kiddo the majority of my time.

I am so blessed ... I don't judge those women and men who work "normal" jobs. Not at all. But I canNOT imagine doing so...especially after this week of getting a taste of it. If I only saw Joshua for an hour in the morning and two hours at night ... I just feel like it'd be so different.

People wonder how I spend one or two nights away from Josh and Erik once or twice a month. I wonder how people spent 8 hours a day away from their kids, 5 days a week.

So again, I say ...

I am so grateful. :)

Thoughts in my head

I have a dear friend who always says, "So, I was thinking in my head ..."

Well that's where thinking occurs, right? At least for most of us ...

And I often catch myself or my mom saying, "Well, I was talking out loud ..."

Isn't that how all talking occurs? Out loud?

Just some thoughts I had in my head that I wanted to share.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I borrowed a suitcase from my dad. Every time I open it, I smell the distinct scent of Polo and coffee grounds. The aromas of my daddy. 


I love my brother. He called me tonight and peppered me with questions about something in my life that he felt out of the loop on. That's so sweet--he wants to be in my loop of life. Love. 

I love how people across the country are always shocked when I explain that, no, Denver is not always covered in drifts of snow. No wonder people are confused ... when it does snow in Denver, it makes national news. What a crazy state...

I am a little unnerved about the fact that I'm doing the Myers Briggs certification course in March. Why? I haven't been in class in a very. very. long time. Not sure if I can sit and be attentive from 8-5, four days in a row. 

I made a good choice yesterday ... and a bad choice today. See images.

My son is adorable. Just sayin'...

I still feel like Denver is home. I wonder when--or if--that feeling will ever fade? I kinda hope not ... 

I've read two novels (in the middle of the second) in the past 48 hours. Completely unrelated by authorship, publisher etc, yet both books have had strong themes of generational sin and free will. What should I be thinking in my head about this?

I'm so blessed ... the one time I had to leave a day early for a work trip to beat a snowstorm and that work trip just happened to be to a beautiful resort hotel in a warm climate. I could have just as easily been spending an extra 30 hours in Cincinnati or somewhere else just as dreary.

These were just some of the thoughts I was thinking in my head. And I didn't have anyone to talk out loud to, so I thought I'd blog. Thanks for listening ... er, reading.

Future Me: Make time for silliness

Is anyone else pinching themselves that it's 2012 already? I just still can't believe it. And, yet, I can. Time flies when you're having fun ... right?

Life is fun. Right? I think so.

I love finding the fun in the routine of life. I think it's pretty great to find the silly in the middle of the normal. Having a toddler sure does make this task easier, that's for sure. It's super easy to discover wackiness in the midst of unanswered emails, dirty floors, crusty dishes, wrinkled laundry, and endless errands when Joshua's around.

I hope I never turn into one of those moms who snaps at her child's silliness. I never want to silence the giggles, or ignore the flirtatious glances of my son. I hope I always give the moments, take the time, pause and partake in the quirky randomness of my Joshua Nelson.

He's just so darn funny!

I seriously never knew that a one year old could have so much personality! The eyebrows, the eyes, the cheeks, the lips, the expressions this child can display surprise me daily.

The flash dance moments, the intense interest in ever changing things, the flawless innocence of one who has yet to be scarred by this world ... the clingy moments, the "I do it!" moments, the discovery moments, the new words, the unintelligible conversations, the moments of surprise and wonder ... these are the things I hope I never ignore. I hope I'm never too busy for.

I hope I never push him aside, too focused on my task to give just a moment for silliness, quirkiness, discovery and wonder.

Number 200

All day, I've felt the need/urge to blog. I've been saving it all up.

Then I logged on and noticed that this blog, this will be my 200th post.

Suddenly I'm nervous. 

This was going to just be one of those catch-all, free-flow posts, culminating in some pithy, hopefully meaningful point, possibly about Christmas, most likely about motherhood or things like that.

But now I realize it's my 200th post. Is that like, monumental? I'm not sure ... so I'll just move forward as planned.

Carving ham is fairly gross. My brother concurs. The noises are disgusting. Good thing the ham is tasty.

I've always slightly prided myself on not having fancy china. I mostly have an ecclectic assortment of POM bottles and glasses from Goodwill (why buy new when people give stuff away?!), blandly colored dinner plates, and mismatched silverware. Today was the first time in my life I wished for china. And this first time coincided with my first time serving Christmas dinner all by myself, in my own home. I found myself wanting special plates. It's a strange thing, feeling a "need" for prettier plates, just to serve fairly normal food. Any yet, I wanted my table to look fancier. Why? I don't really know... the meal wasn't that impressive, Joshua still wouldn't eat it, we ate in the normal amount of time, and I still spent forever cleaning up. (in fact there are to pots and a pan waiting for me still.) Would it have made a difference if my plates had matching ivy on them? I guess I'll never know, since I don't foresee buying china anytime soon. Oo--maybe I should check Goodwill ....

I'm reading Donald Miller's A Million Miles in A Thousand Years. Don't ask me what took me so long to read it ... I can't really say. Except for I usually choose crashing on the couch or zoning on Facebook before I choose reading lately. Wonder what that says about my story .... if you haven't read the book, it's great. And as I sat and read the book tonight, the book about living a better story, I paused and took stock.

My son was watching "Elmo's World" on Sesame Street. I was reading right next to him. He turned at one point and said, 'Color!' This was just as the "Elmo's World" intro was on, and the "color" is all over the screen. I just said, "Yep! Elmo's coloring!" and went back to my book. And Josh went back to watching TV.

And then I realized something ... I was reading the part in the book where Miller talks about actually living a better story. Actually doing it--not just reading about it, thinking about it, dreaming about it ... but doing it. And I realized I'd just, in essence, denied my child the chance to actually color, and instead basically told him to watch a puppet color in some world on the big screen.

How sad is that?

So I put down my book on living a better story, and I went about living it. I pulled out Joshua's "woo whoos" (trains) and started making all the appropriate sounds. I flipped open his favorite cell phone, recorded my voice, and enticed him with that. He pulled himself away from the big screen world and joined his mommy in the real one. 

And we played. 

Then we moved up to his room (and I confess, I brought my book, but only because I knew precisely what would happen.) We entered his room, and he excitedly said, "Rock!" and proceeded to climb onto his glider (which is actually quite hysterical to watch him accomplish) and read his favorite book.

I slid down the wall, in between his new kitchen set and the end of his crib, and read my book. We read books together. And he'd come over and feed me plastic pie, and miscolored, oddly shaped noodles, and he'd climb back onto his chair with a new book. We'd read quietly for a while, and then he'd pull at the last page of the book--he always wishes there was more--and looked at me as if I could instantly create more pages. He, at one point, climbed off the glider, and came quite quickly over to me. I thought he wanted to sit on my lap, so I closed my book, losing my page, and pulled him in. He wiggled with so much opinion, I realized that's not what he wanted. I realized he wanted to sit by me and read his book. With his back against the wall, next to the kitchen set at the end of the crib.

I love how impressionable he is right now! He loves rocking and reading. But because Mommy was reading against the wall in the corner, he needed to as well.

We read, and danced, and ate plastic food together. Finally I realized it was bed time. So I talked him into letting me change his diaper, coaxed him into a sleeper, let him "brush" his teeth with his Thomas the Train spin brush (there's no brushing happening--just button pushing and lots of water dripping), and washed his little face.

Then, since I'm no longer allowed to read and rock, I sat on the footstool while he sat on his glider-throne, and I read him a book upside down. Good thing I memorized it long ago from reading it so much. I got to the part about when Jesus was born, and I looked into my 20 month old son's eyes and told him the story of how Jesus invaded our world, and helps us live a better story. He giggled and said, "Je--us Je-us!" (one of his three new words today), and I got tears in my eyes.

Because even though I let my kid watch some TV, and even though I struggle with playing the martyr as the wife and mother in this home, and even though I lose my patience, and battle selfishness, and always think I could be doing better and doing more, I think I'm living a pretty good story. I am the mother of Joshua, and that, my friends, is a role I would never pass up. 

So I guess this 200th blog turned into a little bit of a catchall, but mostly a motherhood, hopefully meaningful muse mostly about me and a little about my first Christmas on "my own".

Oh, and the other two words Joshua decided to say today were "Cardo" (his soon to be uncle) and "Eva" (his cousin, my sister's dog).

Does he say "Mommy" yet? Nope. But that just makes this story all the better.

And he did finally let me rock him ... in the dark, I sang him our favorite songs while he clutched his favorite book. We prayed to "Je-us" and I smiled. I love my story.

Nothing Like a One Year Old ...

... to keep you up all night and still cause you to wake with a smile

... to throw multiple curve balls at your plans for the day

... to remind you of the simple joys in life, such as throwing Cheerios

... to help you find the fun in doing laundry and sorting old clothes

... to force you to get outside and realize it's not so cold after all

... to keep your pride in check

... to break your selfish spirit and get you to be more selfless

... to get you to "dance dance dance" to no music at all, just because

... to make sure the neighbors know you are not a perfect, have-it-all-together mommy

... to abolish all ideals of a well rounded diet

... to cherish your alone time

... to break your heart (in a good way) with the new found skill of unsolicited hugs and kisses

... to challenge the heck out of you with violent, unashamed tantrums over .... everything

... to make the Christmas tree look funny, since all the ornaments have to be high out of reach

... to improve your marriage (by necessity ... do, or die. Literally.)

... to bring the perfect amount of wonder and awe to normal every day experiences

... to provide a wonderful purpose for getting up in the morning ... with a huge mug of coffee

Nothing like a Joshua Nelson Lindeen to make me sigh, yawn, shake my head, and smile hugely, all at the same time.

Facebook Updates

I had a number of Facebook statuses running through my head today that I never got to.

I'd rather not sit and fill up everyone's wall with my random thoughts from the day, so I figured I'd blog it. I should blog more anyway. You know what I found when I gave up Facebook for Lent? I blogged more. Because instead of little one-liner snippets on Facebook, I combined all my daily thoughts for a blog. Perhaps more useful in life ... perhaps not. Maybe it's just interesting, but whatever. I digress.

Random updates from today that I didn't get around to typing out on Facebook:

I sure wish Joshua would learn to say "mommy." I mean, it's super cute that he calls for "Daddeeee" all day, but sheesh, come on kiddo, I'm right here!

Welcome back, T-zone skin. I sure didn't miss you when I lived in perfect world AKA Colorado. 

A little boy (6 y/o) at the park asked me if Joshua was my baby. When I said yes, he said "How old ARE you?" as his 4 1/2 year old sister simultaneously said, "I thought you were the babysitter ...." NICE. 

Open gym night at the Y was a GREAT idea! Credit--me. :) 

I decided today was the day, of all days, to make Joshua eat his dinner. We had to try three times, with many tears, and even a time out (which he still doesn't understand ...) And at the end of the day, he ate a few bites of his hot dog. My reward? A sleepy baby boy who smells of hot dogs. Kinda gross. But pretty sweet. 

Holding a 1 1/2 year old into place in timeout while gripping the timer and watching him frantically sign "All done" is rather depressing. The job of a mommy ....

How important is a good conversation with a great friend? Super. Super important. 

The 4 1/2 year old girl at the park asked me when my baby is going to grow up. I told her he does a little bit every day. As she ran home for dinner, she said it was nice to meet me and she hopes my baby grows up soon. 

Josh watches the Ezra Church video at least 6 times a day. Before it even ends, he's signing, "More! More!" and today he figured out that he doesn't need Mommy. He just hits space bar and it plays again. And again. and againandagainandagain......

I keep wishing I had more restraint and discipline with finances. I do this often--get all geared up to be better about watching spending .... and then I realize I don't know how. Same with eating right .... blah. 

Working out is fun. I should do it more often. So is baking. And dancing with my son. And laying in the grass. And laughing with my husband .... why don't I do these things more often? 

Yesterday, I did my devotions in the bathroom. Cuz there is where I found a minute of peace while Joshua played with the bubbles in the tub. God understands .... 

I could go on .... aren't you glad I didn't put all this on Facebook to fill up your wall? :)

Smack

So .... I guess I live in Wisconsin now.

What?!

It's such a strange phenomenon, in this modern world of ours, to move to a new place. I often forget we've moved.

In Home Depot, which looks the exact same as in Colorado, I can let the reality of our move fade into the recesses of my mind while working with the paint guy and Erik to determine paint colors. It's as if nothing has changed and we've just decided to repaint a room and finally invest in a step stool. Until suddenly I'm snapped back to reality when the paint guy says, "Oh, so you're gonna wanna buy a snowblower sooner rather than later," with full Wisconsin accent.

Smack--I'm back in reality and remembering that I now live in Wisconsin.

Same thing happened at Chilis the other night. I'm enjoying chips and salsa, like normal, with good friends, like normal, when all of the sudden a Menards commercial plays and that jingle "Save big money at Menards" that you only know if you've lived near a Menards in the past threw me smack right back into reality.

I now live in Wisconsin.

Every time I step outside and feel humidity ... smack, reality.
Every time I get in my car and realize I have NO idea where I'm going ... smack, reality.
Every time I wonder when I get to be done with this "camp" like experience and go back home ... smack reality.
Every time I think about dropping Joshua off to visit his grandparents ... smack, reality.
Every time I realize I feel like I'm just playing house and I'll go back to mine sometime ... smack, reality.

Moving is a strange thing. Especially in our society where most cities and towns have the same big-box stores, similar building styles, and generally nice people. It's seriously easy to forget that you've moved from your home, family and friends until .... smack. Something slams you right back into reality.

Reality is, moving is hard. Reality is, we made this choice, and we will get through this transition.

No matter how many "smacks" it takes, I will start to adjust to my new reality.

You went where?

"Where are you headed?"

"Bonners Ferry, Idaho."

"Where?"

"A little town in northern Idaho."

"Never heard of it. Where exactly?"

*Sigh* "Canada." :)

Joshua and I just returned from a 5 day trip to Far North Idaho--Bonners Ferry. Almost 10 years ago, I got a slip of paper in the mail that informed me my college roommates would be Joelle Knappen from Alexandria, MN and Corella Butters from Bonners Ferry, ID.

For whatever reason, I saw the "ID" and took it to mean "Indiana". It only took me a phone call or two with my soon-to-be roommate to realize I needed to work on my state abbreviation recognition. "ID" is Idaho, not Indiana. Oh, what a easier but much more boring trip Indiana would have been for Joshua and me.

I learned some things about myself--and my son--over the past week. I'd love to share so here goes: (Warning, I'm still processing these things, and at this exact moment only know of two that I'm going to list here. Let's see what comes out of me as I type ...)

1. I can live without my Blackberry. And not just survive--but enjoy it! There's no cell service where Cora and Troy live, and while I thoroughly missed being able to talk to my husband, wow was it good to glance at my BB and see no flashing red light, no tiny numbers with a red asterisk indication unread emails ... nothing. It was good for nothing but telling time and a good game of Bejeweled before bed. Beautiful.

2. Joshua can live without T.V. Because Erik and I both work from home, there are often times during a week where we need to answer an email or make a phone call, and these times seem to almost always coincide with Josh's most needy moment. Hence, baby DVDs. This week, he survived without DVDs. Yay!

3. I tend to underestimate my son. He really is a great kid, and I, as a mommy, visualize the worst possible scenarios when we are trying new things instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt. He did so great at the airports, on the planes, in the car, at a Seussical Musical, in a new environment, on a hike .... what an adaptive little guy!

4. I tend to underestimate myself. Erik and I are very much partners in the parenting endeavor. We agree that we are usually a 60/40 split. This week I was definitely 100% parent--and I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to handle it. But guess what? I'm a great Mom. I'm the perfect Mom for Joshua, and I did just fine.

5. There are a lot of minutes in the day. Eliminate TV, internet, and cell phone, and suddenly, there's a TON of time in the day! Incredible!

6. God blessed me with an incredible roommate so many years ago. Cora Butters now Roberts, where would I be without you? Who would I be? We've had so many awesome chats, lived in a couple of different rooms together, seen God do amazing things in both of our lives ... I am so honored to still be a part of your life. Thanks for welcoming me into your home and for loving my son. (And I realize you won't read this until you're back in Alaska with internet, perhaps, and even then, you'll be a brand new mom so heck--maybe you'll NEVER read this! :) )

Joshua and I traveled to Far North Idaho. It was a big trip, I was anxious about it, but we did it. And it was good.

Day 45 without Facebook ... was yesterday

Yesterday was my last day without Facebook.

I wish I had reveled in it more.

It's funny, I feel compelled to get back on Facebook, and I'm not entirely sure why. So I can aimlessly browse the 419 friends I've slowly acquired over the over 5 years that I've been on the site? So I can share Joshua with far away family? (A good reason for sure ... but my blog has been fairly sufficient and has taken less of my time.) Is it to feel more connected to friends?

Even though, what I've learned in the last 45 days is that the feeling of connection is entirely different than real connection. Just because a person posts an update to his 327 friends, and I read it doesn't mean we are necessarily connected. 

How many times have I felt like I developed a good connection to someone via Facebook, only to run into them in real life and realize--ha, still awkward small talk! Still pretty much strangers! Still long death pauses where we are both probably wishing we could whip out our phones, open our FB app, and post statuses about uncomfortable social interactions.

How many times have I thought I was fairly good friends with a person, just to realize I'm out of touch with them because I missed status updates because my home feed got messed up, or clogged with all of my other friends' updates? Come to find out, I'm up to date on some peoples' lives not necessarily because they specifically want me to be an integral part of their life. No, I'm just one of the many on Facebook.

Now, is any of this inherently bad? Of course not! Facebook is a useful tool for doing just what I mentioned above--shouting thoughts to hundreds of people at once, disseminating information about one's life quickly and efficiently--with the click of a button. It connects far away family and long lost friends ... but at what cost? 

When I'm on Facebook, it envelops me. I truly got jitters and felt sick when the Lord laid it on my heart to break from Facebook for Lent. I honestly thought I could not do it--it is my window to the world, the vehicle for a large percentage of my "connection" throughout the day.

But I did it.

And I realized some stuff. With Facebook and it's false sense of connection (or okay, it's unique and different form of connection that should not and never will replace true connection) I find myself lamenting my lack of friends, and swirling around in the loneliness of hours upon hours of almost purely cyber-connection.

Guess what? I have friends.

The last 45 days without my 419 FB friends taught me that. 

And I'll be frank--it's not like I instead spent my "former FB time" with God. There were many days I simply--humanly--chose to fill my time differently, and still neglected my Father. So, no--Facebook is not the only enemy. There are many.

Surprisingly (for me), after the initial withdrawal period, I rarely missed it.

Oh, when I heard exciting news (usually via Erik who did not give up FB during this time) and realized I'd missed the chance to add a pithy comment on a friend's status, I was a little sad.
And there were moments the technology for uploading photo and videos on Blogger drove me nuts and almost had me running for my Facebook log in. For sure I had times where I just wanted to mindlessly zone out and "connect" with "friends".

But all in all, it took as much effort to log back into Facebook today as it did to deactivate my account 45 days ago. This was a good exercise for me--I do not need Facebook to survive. In fact, it helped me remember who my "real" friends are--my true connection, the people I do life with. 

Please don't get me wrong--I love keeping up with people from all the days of my life. It's fun! But it's time consuming. And so I have committed to trimming my "Friend list" down (please do not take it personally if I removed you .... It's not you, it's me. Really!) I've committed to at least trying to use Facebook for the tool it is--and not the obsession is has become.

So, a big thank you to the season of Lent for this opportunity to realize that

I do have "flesh and blood" friends,

I do enjoy spending my time other ways, 

I am less stressed with my son when I'm not trying to browse FB while he's wanting to play,

I am capable of giving something up,

and I am more than my Facebook page.

Being a Woman is Confusing

Ever shopped for underwear?

Kill me now. 

Top of the "hate to shop for" list for many women is:

Shopping for bras.
Shopping for swimsuits.
Shopping for jeans.

I now have a number 4--shopping for underwear.

I was at Gap Body.

For like, 35 minutes. Paralyzed at a shelf of brightly colored underwear, incapable of deciding which cut of "panty" I wanted.

I don't know! I just want it to fit! 

I dug, and read tags, and asked my sister, and listened to my mom's advice, and hemmed and hawed ... for 35 minutes. 35 minutes! I'm pretty sure the employee (who was nearby the whole time, and never once offered clarifying assistance ...) thought I was at least slightly crazy. Or at least overly dramatic. The latter would be correct, of course.

Do I want hipster? or girl short? or tanga? (what the heck is tanga?) or thong? or high cut? or bikini? and if I want bikini, do I want teeny bikini? or low rise bikini? or ultra low rise bikini?! and what IS the difference?!?!?

And don't even get me started on colors, patterns and fabrics.

why is underwear shopping so hard? 

Well, it's not like if you make the wrong decision you can return the product.

You're STUCK with it. For-ev-er.

My drawer is full of ill-purchased panties that aren't what I expected.

*Sigh*

The drama of being a woman ...

Day One without Facebook

I knew it was an obsession.

I knew it was a time waster.

But wow--I didn't know it was an actual addiction.

Yesterday I decided to give up Facebook for Lent. I started today. Half way through the day.

Please, let me tell you how many times I've thought, "Oo! Status update" and reached for my laptop or phone.

Or, on some sort of creepy autopilot, I'd find myself directing my computer mouse toward the shortcut for Facebook on my browser. It's no longer there, so often today I clicked on the "Picnik" shortcut that is now in that spot.

When I walked to the gym and was enjoying the glorious Colorado sun, I wanted to post.

When Josh grinned and giggled and pointed for a full five minutes at my TEETH of all things, I wanted to post.

When my Dad offered to change Joshua, and I got to sit and listen to them giggle and shout and play from the next room, I wanted to post.

When Tasha and I played with Josh on the tramp, and Joshua got scared of my parents' horse, I wanted to post.

When I discovered that Josh loves BBQ pork and peas, I wanted to post.

When I was bored and tired of sifting through emails and chasing clients, I wanted to browse.

When I was procrastinating on drafting a document, I wanted to stare mindlessly at the home feed.

When I was wondering what Erik, my husband who I should be connected to in other ways, was up to, I wanted to search his page.

How sick IS this?


Very. Very very sick.

And so, I take a break. We'll just see if I'm even missed in the FB world when I'm gone ... or if I miss it that much at all.

Who AM I and why am I at Jazzercise???

I still can't believe it happened.

I attended a Jazzercise class on Friday morning.

Jazzercise. And me. Me and Jazzercise.

It kinda feels like a dream.

My mom purchased some vouchers through one of those "daily deal" emails that comes every day. (Side note: those businesses are cropping up EV-ER-Y-WHERE. And I spend way too much money on supposed "deals" that I never would have spent money on if the "deal" hadn't shown up in my inbox that morning .... Someone had a rather bright idea to make some cash. End sidenote.)

So, we went. To Jazzercise.

Pretty sure I was the youngest woman there.

Pretty sure I've never seen so many different types of flowery work-out apparel.

Pretty sure the rather elderly lady next to me was wearing ear plugs.

Pretty sure I'm not sure why ... ??

I picked up the routines quickly, and had a grand time people watching. Or, be-hind watching, since I was at the back of the group and could really only stare at 17 different ladies' derrieres for 55 minutes.

At one point--no joke--one lady can be-boppin' in with a terry cloth headband, a baggy sweathshirt, gray leggings ... and peeking out below the hem of the sweatshirt, I actually saw, get this--a navy blue leotard. OVER the gray leggings. This high energy, Jazzercise lover must have been over 55.

Moral of the story? Life lesson for me?

One would do well to turn off the BeachBody DVD, which contains perfectly sculpted L.A. blondes with hourglass figures and washboard abs, and instead high tail it over to the local Jazzercise class.

Why?

These are real women. Women who have jobs, and families, and have given birth, and ate too many Girl Scout cookies last night. These women struggle to fit exercise into their days, they struggle to fit into size 10 jeans, and they struggle to do more than 20 sit ups.

But these are real women. I've never felt so good about myself when working out. I've never felt so ... normal. I didn't compare myself to anyone (or anyone's abs). (Well, I must admit--there was this cute little lady, probably 60, in front of me with the tiniest little waist and great deltoids. But beyond that ... no comparing.)

I just enjoyed working out. To good music. With a bunch of ladies I've never met, but ended up feeling camaraderie with. So, here's to Jazzercise--may I continue to learn the difference between a box step and sashay, and burn some calories while I do it.