Sunday, May 29, 2011

End of an Era

I don't know if it's because we're not actually moving yet.

Or if it's due to an incredible layer of denial in me that just can't accept that we're leaving.

Either way, I woke up this morning, knowing it was our last day at Discovery Church, but for some reason, did not think through the emotional ramifications of that fact.

I wore non-water proof mascara.

What was I thinking??

It first dawned on me that maybe I was under prepared when I found Lisa, our pastor's wife, debating wearing mascara at all.

I was further enlightened when three women in a row saw me, gave me that head tilt and sad smile and asked, "How ya doing?"

Hmmm ... apparently this is an emotional morning?

Like I said, maybe it's because our house isn't packed, we're here until August-ish ... or maybe I'm in denial. I'm really starting to wonder.

At least now I can picture where we're going, I've met some of the people. I tell friends all the time, "Yep! We're moving to Madison! It's bittersweet--we're excited for the adventure, but sad to leave our home of 6 years and all the family and friends we have here." I explain our reasoning, how God has led us and can articulate the need for churches and outreaching Christians in the area we are going to.

And yet, a big part of me can't believe we're going ..

And so today ...
My last day on stage singing to my Lord at Discovery. 

My last day hugging students in the hall and talking about sunburns, boys and summer jobs. 

My last day chasing Joshua through a sea of legs, and soaking in peoples' love for him. 

My last day partaking in the best communion bread I've ever tasted. 

My last day with a pastor with a cool accent. 

My last day with a view of the mountains when I walk to my car. 

My last day at the church that's members helped me through infertility. 

My last day in a place where I've finally found community. 

My last day as a youth pastor's wife ...  

I just wasn't ready.  I should have worn water proof mascara.

This thought has been rolling around in my head for the last day--Just because I don't want to leave here, doesn't mean God doesn't have work for me there. Simple enough, and it's true. And so I just keep reminding myself. When I was 15, I didn't want to move to Colorado. And yet, that transition set a whole different course of action in my life, and so will this.

Discovery, thank you. Thank you for four years of support, tears, joys, learning, stretching, laughing, growing, singing, decorating, planning, partying, loving, meeting, crying, hugging, praying, hoping ...

I just still can't believe we're done ... but here's looking forward to the next adventure. It's because of the send off today, and the support I know we have from our family here that we have the courage to take this next step. So here's to change, faith, and Madison, Wisconsin--get ready, the Lindeens are coming!

Monday, May 23, 2011

44 days

A few nights ago, I was at a really low point. I'm realizing it has kinda sorta maybe been a really rollercoaster-y 6 weeks, and my breaking point was rapidly approaching.

We only just were informed (by God) about our life direction change toward Ezra Church on April 9, 2011.

April 9th. That was only 44 days ago.

44 days.

And in that 44 days, we have experienced:

the excitement of realizing an adventure is upon us
the incredible grief of announcing this life change to my parents and sisters
the bittersweet emotions of preparing to leave our Discovery family
the yucky-ness of telling our students
the thrill of visiting Madison/Ezra for the first time
the reality check of visiting Madison/Ezra for the first time
the shock and devastation of losing a student's father to cancer
the sadness of leaving the only home we've known as a married couple
the stress of packing and decluttering a home for listing
the fatigue of processing various emotions
the awkwardness of each feeling differently than the other
the questions of the unknown future
the peace of knowing this is right

It has been a crazy 44 days. And I'm sure the next 44 will bring their own surprises. I just hope I can continue to learn how to process. emote. vent. pray. trust. and let go.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

When God moves, He sure moves!

Wow, I can't believe it has been 2 1/2 weeks since I last blogged! And that was like, a cheater blog, since most of it was something I'd written years ago!

Well, a lot has happened lately. My silence in the blogging world was partially due to the fact that I wasn't able to "talk" about our life changes yet, until official announces were made, and also due to my complete and total shock at what God has done and is doing.

When God moves, He sure moves!

Since the beginning of April, God has made many things clear:

1. Our time in ministry at Discovery Christian Church is rapidly coming to a close.
2. Our time in Colorado is also coming to a close, though not as rapidly.
3. Our sense that God was going to do something big in 2011 was dead on.
4. Our impression back in the spring/summer of 2010 that someday we'd be church planters was quite accurate.
5. Our next phase in life will be in Madison, WI helping with the newly launched Ezra Church with good friends Dave and Becky Tilma.

What the ... ?!

Yep, that's how I feel too. :)

I just had no idea. But that's how God tends to move in my life. For whatever reason, He allows me to only see what is currently happening. All I knew was life here in CO was good, Erik was a little antsy at his job and wondering what was to come ... and then BAM--we're listing our house, telling our families, and starting the process of raising support to move to Madison, WI as missionary church planters.

I did NOT see this coming.

I'm still processing--every day brings a new emotion. Every day brings a new "what if?" and "are you sure that .... ?" and "how do we know when ... ?"

What's so funny, is that no matter how I'm feeling, no matter how annoyed or depressed, or rebellious, or stubborn or sad, or guilty or questioning, at the end of the day, I know we're going to Madison.

I know this is where God is calling us.

I can't say I'm completely and totally 100% emotionally invested yet--but I'm getting there.

I can say, "God, I will go where you go. I will stay where you stay. I will follow you."

Obediently, and willingly, we will move to Madison. The whowhatwhenwherewhynowhow questions will continue to come, and I will continue to process.

But in the midst of it all, I will go. Because He is Lord, and I am not. I'd rather be on His path and live in Wisconsin, than be off His path, and live in beautiful Colorado.