Monday, November 23, 2009

Week 16: Gut Feeling? Or Bucking the Trend?

I didn't expect to care so much!

I was not prepared at all for my intense desire for a son. Especially after our journey with infertility, I was pretty certain I'd have the mentality of "Either/Or! As long as we get (just) one!"

But my oh my I want a boy!

I like to think that my completely and totally unfounded certainty that has no basis in anything and can't be supported by any logic indicates that perhaps I'm experiencing a "gut feeling" and I really do have a little boy tumbling around inside of me.

But, I also know me. I know I like to be different. Not necessarily follow the trend. And the trend has been ... female babies. I'm loving all the pink my friends get to cuddle with, but I'm ready for some blue!

But most times, I'm just quite concerned that in 3 weeks I'm going to feel very guilty as I'm shedding tears after hearing I'm having a girl.

And, it has come to my attention that I am actually afraid I'm going to feel embarrassed. Embarrassed? Yeah--embarrassed.

If you've spoken with me at all about this pregnancy, you know that we are hoping for a boy. I keep picturing myself sharing the news of a "Bubba-ette" to my friends, and feeling embarrassed. Like, "Oh yeah, hey, um, we're actually having a girl....mumble mumble mumble *awkward silence*...."

Does this make any sense? NO! But do any emotions in pregnancy make sense? Not really!

Should I feel guilt? No. Should I feel embarrassment? No. Should I be worried about this? No. Because anytime I see that little "it" cartwheeling around in my tummy, I am filled with joy. Anytime I think I feel some flutters (I haven't, BTW. All gas, round ligament and hunger pains so far) I am ecstatic and gender doesn't matter. Anytime I shop for baby stuff, I'm just excited that it's so little and soft--no matter whether it's blue or pink.

But on that day, I will be very interested to see how I respond. And whether this strange certainty and ridiculously intense, unexpected desire for a son really is stemming from a gut feeling -- or if it's just me, bucking the trend!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Week 15: Completely and Totally Unaware

All week, this 15th week of my pregnancy, I've been pondering how awesome Bubba's life is right now.

At my 14 week doctor's appointment, the doctor informed me that I might have a slight infection and that they would do a urine culture to find out. She asked me if I'd noticed any spotting. I said no. The appointment wrapped up and Erik and I left. I went to the bathroom and Ta Da!


Ugh. But it was soooo light and unsubstantial I thought well, let's just see if it gets worse. So I went about my day. The spotting continued, so I let my doctor know. She wanted me to come back in for an U/S, just to make sure everything was okay. That made me more nervous, but I still pretty much kept my calm. Which was great--an quite abnormal for me. I mean, we had heard a strong heartbeat that morning, and I wasn't really spotting so....

She prepped me for the U/S, put that nasty gel on my belly and Boom-there Bubba was. Just chillaxing in my womb, completely unaware of the slight fear and chaotic schedule going on around him. Completely and totally unaware to how his/her little life is so cherished, so hoped for, so prayed over. As soon as we got him on the screen, we saw his usual antics of kicking, twisting and turning. I realized he was totally upside down--and loving it! Bubba's just in there, having a ball, bouncing around with room to spare, while I'm concerned about whether he/she's alive or not. It's just crazy.

Like right now, it has been a week or so since that U/S, so I'm reaching the point of "What if" that I come to between every doctor's appointment. What if something has happened and I just don't know yet. What if the infection is affecting the baby. What if, what if...what if.

And guess what? I'm quite sure Bubba is just dancing away inside me, completely and totally unaware of anything except his love for movement, the whoosh whoosh beating of my heart, and the fact that amniotic fluid now moves through the nose and respiratory tract to help develop the lungs.

What a life Bubba has in there!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Innocence Lost

Pregnancy is an amazing gift. A joyous surprise. A wonderful piece of news to share.

But it’s different when you’ve miscarried.

There’s hesitancy, a lack of excitement. Doubt rules, and fears overwhelm. Where jumping and screaming should occur, looks of concern mixed with tiny bits of hope appear instead.

Once I experienced the innocent bliss of announcing a pregnancy. Just once. And probably never again. That one time will always stick in my mind; I hold it close to my heart. That baby never came to be, but for one precious month, one short, short month, we were excited. We were unconcerned. We did not fear. We got to do the “we’re pregnant!” excited phase.

Sure, we’ve now reached that phase with this pregnancy, and of course, the excitement is bubbling and the joy is inexplicable. But the day I took that test, the moment I saw the plus sign, the “pregnant” reading, the double line, I didn’t jump for joy. I hyperventilated. I collapsed in fear. I froze in doubt. Miscarriage steals the initial joy from pregnancy.

When I told my family, they weren’t sure how to respond. I’m pretty sure my Mom’s words were, “Okaaaay…and how do we feel about this?” It wasn’t an incorrect response on her part—it was a response based out of months and months of hoping and crying and wanting and waiting. It was a response based out of, not blissful, innocent joy, but out of fear of more hurt, more pain, more disappointment.

I’m so excited to be pregnant—Lord knows I’ve waited for a very long time. But my heart literally hurts when I see friends get to announce their pregnancies to screams of joy and astonishment, instead of smiles and hugs laced with concern and memories of pain.

Please don’t pity me, or think I’m pitying myself. This is my journey; this is the path I was led on. It’s just how my life is, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Sin and brokenness muck up this world, and this is one way it has affected mine. The discovery of pregnancy, in this household, was terrifying, even though we were trying so hard and wanting it so much. The memory of loss was too fresh, in spite of the time that had passed.

If you are a woman who is able to embrace the news of pregnancy with blissful joy, cherish it. Not all of us have that experience, and I’m so glad you do.

Week 14: The Nursery

As some of you know, our nursery has been painted for well over 2 years.

It was kind of therapeutic for me, right after our losses, to have this project to work on. The color scheme was drawn from a quilt that my mother-in-law made for me.
I had picked out the fabric before we miscarried our first baby. One might think I wouldn't want to use that quilt, since it was chosen for a baby that didn't live, but in fact, I clung to that little quilt--and this room--as a symbol of hope.

Well, though I'm only 14 weeks, my mind is racing trying to decide how to match bedding, furniture and decor to this already colorful room. I need suggestions!

What color furniture? (the crib side in the picture is an option, and the crib will be centered under the set of squares. The squiggly white line is most likely going away. We're tired of it. :] )

What color bedding?

I adore the jungle animals on my husband's cousin's (so my cousin's?) store website ( I incorporate them?

Should we keep the daybed in there for guests? or take it down for more space? (forgive the cat in the photo--she wouldn't move.)

So many questions, so many decisions. :) I welcome the challenge, especially since I have months ahead of me to figure it out. Any ideas or suggestions?

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Week 13: People Say Funny Things

Upon seeing my baby bump for the first time, my brother says, "Aw, come on--you could suck that in!"

My nephew Samuel, when he heard me call the unborn Baby Lindeen "Bubba", said, "Auntie Kristin, what's his REAL name?" I asked what he meant and he said, "Bubba isn't a name, Auntie Kristin."

My sister Tara calls to me from the kitchen, "Hey Pregnant One--refill your water bottle."

Ethan, my oldest nephew, explained to me why he wants it to be a girl. "Well, at first I really wanted a boy because there are so many girls. But then I realized I'll be 14 when this baby is 5, so I won't play with it at all. So, it should be a girl, since Abigail, Serenity, Lydia and Katelyn are all girls, and all younger."

I think I enjoyed my 13th week, but I'm not sure--it FLEW by! I can't believe it's over! It's a blur to me. A blur consisting of speaking in Kansas, meeting fun people, flying out of Denver in a blizzard, spending too much time in the Detroit airport, flying not once, but twice into Erie PA airspace (only landing once), driving to Jamestown NY, speaking again, meeting wonderful people there, racing from my late flight to my flight to Denver--through Detroit in my heeled boots--spending one night with my hubby before boarding another flight to Minneapolis where I spent a perfect weekend reconnecting with my siblings, and seeing my nieces and nephews. I'm beat--and I'm pretty sure Bubba is too!