Monday, February 27, 2012

10 Weeks: A Nap A Day ...

... Keeps the crazy away.

Problem is, I can't always have a nap! I know all of you moms-of-many-children are already nodding saying, "Yep--she finally understands. Number Two is super tiring!" And I mean, seriously! I'm just so darn tired!

At least I'm not sick ... and I know I make many women green with envy when they ask, "How ya been feeling?" with that side head tilt and sad I-pity-you look on their faces and I say, "I don't get sick!" They go "What?!" And I go "Yep!" And they go "Uh uh!" and I go "For sure! I just eat. And eat. And eat and eat... and then get raging heartburn."

Tums are my best friend. Tums and naps.

I up and decided it was time for a break from Facebook. I need it, my life needs it, my little boy needs it .... then I heard Baby L's heartbeat. So I quick logged back on .... then I got to baptize my brother and just had to share, so I quick logged back on ... then I noticed my good friend's 31 week baby bump photo ... so I stayed logged on.

I'm going to ATTEMPT to just cut back. I did really well today--anytime I went to aimlessly check FB, I stopped myself and either got back to work or walked away from the laptop *gasp* and played with my son.

The heartbeat was an amazing moment. I sure do love hearing those heartbeats. With our three miscarriages, we never made it to hearbeat-hearing stage, so for us, the heartbeat-hearing is a HUGE sigh of relief. We know we're still not "out of the woods"--and truly, no one ever is in pregnancy, unfortunately. But hearing that heartbeat sure brings peace to this Mama's heart. 

10 weeks. Raging heartburn (Tums Tums and more Tums), endless fatigue (I woke up exhausted from my 2 1/2 hour nap the other day ...), strange cravings (I've had green olives and hot dogs for 3 different meals this week), and unstable moods (If only I could nap, the crazy might stay away ....).

Pregnancy with Baby L is a lot different than Pregnancy with Joshua. Should be a fun ride!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Joshua Names Family Members

Joshua loves to stand at the fridge and point out family members! Too bad we can't understand most of what he's saying ....

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Heart Beat!

Heard a heartbeat today! Baby L is 9 weeks, 6 days, with a heart rate of 168 BPM.

And for all of you who immediately think "GIRL!" .... Joshua's HR at 10 weeks 2 days was 169 BPM. So .... we'll see!

I could hear my heart beat and Baby L's at the same time ... it sounded so amazing. The baby's beat was almost perfectly double mine. We're making music together already!

I was so spoiled with Joshua. We got ultrasounds at 7 weeks, 8 weeks, 10 weeks, 14 weeks, ..... This one, unless something bad happens, which of course I hope it doesn't, we won't get to see until 20 weeks! It's just so different not seeing the little one so often!

But I'm sure grateful I asked for a doppler today. They normally don't listen for a heartbeat at 9 weeks (what is WITH this doctor??) but she said, "Well, you're skinny enough, as long as you promise not to get anxious if we can't find it, I'll try." And we found it! Good little cooperative baby. :)

Yay for a heartbeat! We're moving along!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

9 Weeks: 5th Time's the Charm

Actually I guess the 3rd time was the first charm ... Joshua Nelson being said charm. Man, I love that kid.

But apparently (fingers still crossed pretty hard ... ) the 5th time is the charm for us too.

An emotionally grueling week and a half of spotting behind us, a heartbeat seen, two blood clots discovered, the official announcement (Facebook is the official thing these days ....) completed, the fatigue full on, the heart burn raging .... seriously, I'm only NINE weeks along?! Are you serious? I feel like I've been pregnant forever! :)

To be clear, I'm loving every minute.

It sure is different doing this the second time around. (Well, the 5th time around, but only the second time we've made it to a heart beat, so yeah--totally awesome by the way!) Poor little Joshua--Mama dozes on the couch for most of the morning. Good thing he has learned to play so well by himself to the background noise of Cat in the Hat, Super Why, Dinosaur Train, and Sesame Street.

If you read my post from earlier this week, you know that the early weeks of this pregnancy were drama-filled, per usual for our household. I still remind myself every day to breathe a prayer of thanks for this little one inside of me, as I play with and chase the little one who brings joy to my life every day.

It's such a miracle when a child is actually brought from conception, through pregnancy, and into this world to grow and develop and touch the lives of those around him. We had days where we thought Joshua would never be a name we got to use. We wondered if children were not in our future ... and then, once we were blessed with our little angel, we were always very aware to continue to have hearts of gratitude--and hearts that had learned the hard way not to assume we'd be able to have more children.

Every child is a blessing--we all know that. And for us, they are blessings we never count on having. We agreed early on that if God blessed us only with Joshua, then we would be forever grateful. At least we had our Joshua. So now, to be pregnant with another, with a heart beat, with the hope of bringing another Lindeen baby into the world in September ... we are speechless. We are so honored.

When we decided it was time to start trying again, we fully prepared our hearts for another journey. More charting, more waiting, more timing, more hoping, more praying ... but it worked! The first time! We couldn't believe it, and truly, still can't. It's absolutely incredible!

I keep telling Joshua, "My Mommy heart is so full--I'm so in love with you, and so thankful for Baby L" He just grins, points at my tummy, mutters something in jibberish and gallops away to play drums or drive "woo-woos" (trains).

Truly, my Mommy-heart is so full, and I know it's only going to get fuller. We are so incredibly thankful for this unexpected turn in our journey--an easy conception, and hopefully, a smooth pregnancy from here on out.

Here's to Baby L!

Monday, February 13, 2012

Trusting in the Midst of Grief

These past two weeks have been a roller coaster.

We found out we were pregnant on January 5, much to our surprise considering our history of struggling to conceive. And thus we began the wonderful journey of early pregnancy--cautious hope, hesitant excitement, all with a dash of anxiety and a base of trust.

Unlike my three pregnancies that ended in miscarriage, I had an incredible sense of peace that this one was going to work. Even when I would wonder and slip into doubt, I could honestly say that it felt like we were definitely going to have a baby in September. I just had peace.

By the time I was 6 weeks along, we were feeling pretty good. And then we received some fun news that a friend was pregnant as well! How fun that she and I would get to experience this joy together.

Then I started bleeding. And I must say, I just lost it. I ignored the peace that I had, and I sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed. I was so hurt, and scared, and confused. I just couldn't understand why God gives, and takes away. (Even though I recognize He doesn't necessarily cause miscarriages, in my sorrow, I was upset that He hadn't prevented it.) We began to prepare our hearts for the journey we know all too well--recovering from the grief and heartache of early miscarriage.

But I was still pregnant--what?! My hormone levels were rising, my symptoms weren't disappearing ... and lo and behold, a week and a day later, after spotting consistently, I saw a teeny tiny little heartbeat. The peace I had was accurate; in spite of all appearances, there's a little baby growing in there!

The same day, my friend experienced some spotting too. She got an ultrasound, saw a teenier-tinyer little embryo (no heartbeat yet) and felt great! We again were so excited.

But her spotting continued. While mine finally, slowly, went away (it was due to two small clots near the placenta), her's increased. Until, sadly, yesterday she lost the baby.

And thus the blog title: Trusting in the Midst of Grief.

In the midst of heartache and pain, what does it look like to trust? In the midst of the unknown and fear, how do we rest in God's peace? Does trusting mean the absence of all emotion? Does resting mean we never cry out in agony and pain?


If I learned anything in my journey to conceive Joshua, it's that God is big enough to handle my emotions. And boy am I glad He is, cuz I sure have a lot of them! I remember feeling some guilt after we realized I wasn't miscarrying. I recalled finding the bleeding, and turning my face to the ceiling, asking, "Really God? Really?" In hindsight, I of course felt bad that my first response was the blame Him.

But guess what--He's still God.

In the hours leading up to my ultrasound, where I would discover whether my baby was alive and growing, or about to miscarry, my battle against fear and anxiety was escalating. It took every ounce of my strength--Christ's strength in me--to surrender my fears and TRUST. And if you could have heard me in those moments, you would not have heard anything that sounded like peaceful trust. I was a little bit of a wreck. The unknown--the possibility of having to accept and slog through another miscarriage--was weighing on me like a ball and chain. Did this mean I didn't trust that God is good? Did this mean that I didn't know that His plan is best and miscarriage serves a natural purpose? Did this mean that I wasn't trying to surrender and rest in His peace?


Trusting in the Midst of Grief is hard. It sucks. It's a roller coaster.

My friend is there right now--and I'm there with her. My heart is breaking for the pain I know she is feeling. The pain I begged God to give me, instead of her, because I at least know from experience how to deal with it. I tear up constantly, my heart physically aches, my stomach just isn't right today. I am asking God "Why?" ... and yet, I trust. I trust that He is good. I trust that He can handle our grief. I trust that He saw that little baby, and He knew the journey my friend would take. And I trust that He will sustain her, and make her stronger, through it.

I remain confident of this:
   I will see the goodness of the LORD
   in the land of the living.
 Wait for the LORD;
   be strong and take heart
   and wait for the LORD. 
Psalm 27: 13-14

Friday, February 3, 2012

Thoughts in my head

I have a dear friend who always says, "So, I was thinking in my head ..."

Well that's where thinking occurs, right? At least for most of us ...

And I often catch myself or my mom saying, "Well, I was talking out loud ..."

Isn't that how all talking occurs? Out loud?

Just some thoughts I had in my head that I wanted to share.


I borrowed a suitcase from my dad. Every time I open it, I smell the distinct scent of Polo and coffee grounds. The aromas of my daddy. 

I love my brother. He called me tonight and peppered me with questions about something in my life that he felt out of the loop on. That's so sweet--he wants to be in my loop of life. Love. 

I love how people across the country are always shocked when I explain that, no, Denver is not always covered in drifts of snow. No wonder people are confused ... when it does snow in Denver, it makes national news. What a crazy state...

I am a little unnerved about the fact that I'm doing the Myers Briggs certification course in March. Why? I haven't been in class in a very. very. long time. Not sure if I can sit and be attentive from 8-5, four days in a row. 

I made a good choice yesterday ... and a bad choice today. See images.

My son is adorable. Just sayin'...

I still feel like Denver is home. I wonder when--or if--that feeling will ever fade? I kinda hope not ... 

I've read two novels (in the middle of the second) in the past 48 hours. Completely unrelated by authorship, publisher etc, yet both books have had strong themes of generational sin and free will. What should I be thinking in my head about this?

I'm so blessed ... the one time I had to leave a day early for a work trip to beat a snowstorm and that work trip just happened to be to a beautiful resort hotel in a warm climate. I could have just as easily been spending an extra 30 hours in Cincinnati or somewhere else just as dreary.

These were just some of the thoughts I was thinking in my head. And I didn't have anyone to talk out loud to, so I thought I'd blog. Thanks for listening ... er, reading.