Thursday, January 28, 2010

Songs from the Journey

I've toyed with this post for a long, long time. Long before Bubba came into existence ... but I never wanted to blog it because I assumed the songs that impacted me would continue to change. But this blog was always in the back of my mind. So I guess it's time to post it! Especially since, as explained in the previous post, I scheduled time to blog tonight for "Week 25" but apparently that's already done ...

Songs along this journey ...

Trust in You ~ Jeremy Camp

When I can't see you, I know you're there
When I can't feel you, I will not fear ...
I will not be afraid ... I will trust in You

This song was very early in the journey. I remember turning it on every morning while getting ready for work. The repetitive nature of the chorus was just what I needed--an anthem to cling to.

Walk by Faith ~ Jeremy Camp
... help me to rid my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
with one breath you make me new
your grace covers all i do
I will walk by faith, even when i cannot see
Well because this broken road, prepares your will for me
Well I'm broken, but I still see your face
Well you've spoken, pouring your words of grace
I will walk by faith, I will walk by faith, I will walk by faith ...

This song was an anthem for me as well. Just chanting "I will walk by faith" over and over and over did wonders for my soul. Even as i bawled through my singing.

Silence ~ Joy Williams
Are you listening?
to anything that I say?

Cuz I've been praying ...
how many prayers can I pray?

I'm still waiting.
Maybe you'll show up today.

I know you're here, but I can't feel you.
And if you're speaking, I can't hear you.
How much longer will this last?
So okay, answer me with silence.
It's okay, if you don't say a word.
You're testing me to trust you'll be
faithful in this quiet
So okay, answer me with silence.
Why do I question your intentions for me?
When your affection is a proven legacy?
Father, father, turn my fears into peace.
I know your love will never leave,
I know you want what's best for me

This has never been a song I played daily like the Jeremy Camp ones or others, but I still turned to it often because the words were so perfect. The seeming silence was the hardest part of my relationship with the Lord through our struggle. This song spoke to that.

Blessed is the One ~ Daniel Doss Band
Blessed is the one who trusts you...
you say jump to arms wide open
I am scared by I am willing
For blessed is the one,
who trusts you
faithful, just and good
shepherd of my heart
lead me to where you are
I remember all your goodness
Suffering through the desert places
Oh you never said it would be easy
You just promised you'd be with me
You who holds my destiny
I'll follow foolishly
Your love will be my song
So I will trust you
I will trust you in the pain
when I can't see past today
when it's hard to lift my hands to praise you
i will trust you

I remember when I first heard this song. Erik had put it on my iPod and I listened to it in my car. The bridge (bolded lines) is so incredibly powerful; it became my new anthem. I listened to this song every day in the car. My play count is at 131 and counting. My first thoughts when I heard this song, especially the bridge, was "This guy must know the journey of infertility ..." Turns out, he does. (

Hope Now ~ Addison Road
When I call out your name
something inside awakes
in my soul
how quickly i forget i'm yours
I'm not my own
I've been carried by you
all my life
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
When my life is like a storm
rising waters, all I want is the shore
You'll say I'll be okay
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm
... You've become my heart's desire
and I will sing your praises higher
cuz your love sets me free

This song came to me from Erik also. I listened to it often because I was singing it in church. As I grew to love the song, the emotions came too. I still cry every time I play this song; the theme of Hope, as you know, has been huge for me.

What do I know of Holy? ~ Addison Road
I've made you promises a thousand times
Tried to hear from heaven,
but I talk the whole time

I think I made you too small
I never feared you at all
If you touched my face, would I know you?
looked into my eyes, could I behold you?
What do I know of you?
Who spoke me into motion.
Where have I even stood,
but the shore along your ocean?
Are you fire? Are you fury?
Are you sacred? Are you beautiful?
What do I know, what I know of holy?
I guess I thought that I had figured you out.
I knew all the stories,
and I learned to talk about

how you were mighty to save
but those were only empty words on a page
then i caught a glimpse of who you might be
the slightest hint of you
brought me down to my knees
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life its name?
What do I know of holy?
Of the one who the angels praise?
All creation knows your name!
On earth and heaven above,
what do I know of this love ...

I often found myself turning to this song when I was so confused about God and when I was angry at Him. My lack of understanding was frustrating, but I needed to be reminded that I am so small compared to my Lord. This song was that reminder.

Hold My Heart ~ 10th Avenue North
How long must I pray must I pray to you?
How long, must I wait, must I wait for you?
How long til your face, see you shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging you to notice me!
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?
One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
hear the sound of my breaking heart?
one life that's all I am
right now I can barely stand
if you're everything you say you are
would you come close and hold my heart
If there's no other way, I'm done asking why ...
So many questions without answers
your promises remain
I cannot sleep but I'll take my chances
to hear you call my name

We went to a Jeremy Camp/MercyMe/Afters concert last year and this band opened. I'd never heard of them, but really enjoyed their songs. Then they sang this ... I just remember tears streaming down my face as I followed the lyrics on the screen. Sometimes I felt selfish and bratty singing the first few lines of this song, but it was my heart. I was angry. By this point in the journey, I was plain pissed off a lot of the time. It was honest, and gut level genuine, and so I appreciated this song in my darkest moments.

Desert Song ~ Hillsong

All of my life in every season
you are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
when favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
This seed I've received I will sow

Desert Song I actually heard for the first time just this month as a Hillsongs United concert. I love Brooke Fraser's voice, and was excited to hear her sing this song that I hadn't heard yet. The bridge is incredible ... and I started bawling. I actually felt really convicted. "In every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing ... to worship." As our journey went on and on, I remember struggling to worship. Intellectually I could always explain why I should still be able to worship, and why God deserved my praise, but just cuz I could explain it, didn't mean I could physically and emotionally do it. Most days it was just too hard. Or songs like "Mighty to Save" would actually make me angry. "Savior, He can move the mountains ..." Sure, He can but He's NOT! I would think. So when I heard this Desert Song and it's bridge ... I repented of my bitter heart.

Months later, now blessed with a pregnancy and a kicking little baby, I am still dealing with the emotions of this journey. And these songs all have helped bring me to where I am, and will always hold a special place in my heart. All of them still speak to me, and draw me back to those places where I was so desperate, so depressed, so alone. I hope and pray these lyrics can speak to your heart as well!
Every day, I am shown how much the Lord has blessed me. Praise be to the Lord!

Week 24: Ummm....This is Hilarious

So, my last post, as you noticed, was titled "Week 25: I Forgot".

Today I actually scheduled time to blog and had a topic in mind. I thought I was blogging for the previous week, Week 25, like I normally do. (I'm always a week behind, because I try to blog what was on my mind for the labeled week. Anyway...)

Much to my surprise, Week 25 is already posted--as previously stated.


I literally scratched my head in confusion. So I looked at the blog list--there's no Week 24. Where's Week 24? What the ... ??

I actually DID forget Week 24!!

See, when I posted the "I Forgot" blog, I hadn't really forgotten. I just was lazy, apathetic, and didn't have the brain power to come up with a topic. But I hadn't exactly forgotten I thought! Apparently, I HAD!


Monday, January 25, 2010

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Week 23: Syllabus Shock

Syllabus shock.

Syllabus shock--I first heard the term from my cousin Sara when I was a freshman in college. She warned me to never read the whole syllabus on the first day of a new class in a new semester or else I'd go into shock. Did I listen to her?


Every semester, I'd freak out about my ability to get everything done for a class. I've come to know this about myself, and even point it out in my sister Molly, who responds the same way as me: "I will never ever get this done! It's too hard! I can't do it! Oh my gosh I'm going to die!....." [three weeks later...] "Oh that? Yeah--I got an 'A'."

So why am I talking about syllabus shock you ask? I've been out of school since I finished my Masters in 2008.
Well, I think I'm hitting the syllabus shock of motherhood.
It has been building for a while, but the other morning, I just broke down. I haven't sobbed like that in a long, long time. My poor husband. He thought it was just another normal morning, he's sitting with his laptop on the couch, and his wife comes over to give him a hug ... and starts to bawl. I mean, choking, gasping, coughing, running nose, lots and lots of tears--the whole nine yards.

"I don't want to work ... I mean I want to work but I need a schedule ... I mean there's so much in my head to get done and I just can't get it done ... If I can't handle life now, how am I going to do it with a baby? ... the nursery's a disaster ... the bathrooms all need cleaning ... I have big projects for work that I haven't even started ... the microwave is so dirty and I just can't get myself to clean it ... I feel like such an unsuccessful loser! Dramatic sob followed by *Snort* *Sniff* *Wipe* and so on and so forth.

It's syllabus shock. I just don't deal with the unknown well. At all. In any way, shape or form. And there's just no way to know until this little one makes his way into the world; until then, all I can do is attempt to prepare, attempt to put structure in place with work, attempt to ready myself ... heck, this is even worse than syllabus shock! But the results will be oh so much more rewarding that those papers and projects I used to stress over. THIS is worth my dramatic early morning sobbing and my intense mental and emotional preparation.

I figured I'd conquered my syllabus shock back in grad school ... and I did, in the educational setting. But in life? I'm still frozen stiff at the thought of the unknown, but I know I'll get through it just fine.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Week 22: Come Out?

Your baby come out yet?

No, not yet!

Why he not out yet?

Because he needs to get big and strong!

My baby come out. My baby Katelyn!

Yes, your baby (sister) did come out!

When your baby come out?

When the snow melts away.


Yes, snow. When the snow is gone, Bubba will come out.

Oh. My baby come out!

Yes, Renny, I know your baby came out.

4 minutes later ...

Your baby come out yet?

I just spent a week in Minnesota with my darling nieces and nephews. Everyone is super excited for Bubba to make his appearance--especially Serenity! Every few hours she would start the above conversation with me. Ya gotta love 2 year olds! It was especially fun to answer the question "Where is your baby?" and have her look at my belly with wide eyes when I pointed. Pregnancy is fun in and of itself, but with kids around who ask awesome questions, it's a blast!

Also, big news this week, I saw Bubba moving for the first time! Sunday night I laid on the couch for like, an hour just watching my stomach roll one way and then the other. I even got Erik to stare long enough to see a little punch! How exhilarating!!