40 Weeks: What a Feeling

September 21, 2012 ... Wow, I never EVER thought I'd make it to this day! I thought for sure I'd have my baby girl by now. But God and she had other plans! Happy due date to me!

For a variety of reasons, we've chosen to be induced today. I'm not going to go into them here, but I will say it was a tough decision for me. And I've been fairly quiet about the decision.

And I've now deleted about 12 sentence beginnings here because I'm not sure 

what I'm trying to express! 

I guess I'm just trying to say, I never thought I'd do an induction either. But here I am--about to head into one! I've been quiet about the decision because, as we all know, Facebook can be a brewing bed for hot button issues, and for some, induction might be one of those issues. And we all know how feisty we can get with our "motherhood opinions". I just wasn't in the mood to field a bunch of comments on whether or not this is the right thing to do.

While Erik and I appreciate peoples' concern and while everyone has the freedom to express opinions, at the end of the day, it's still our decision. And we are at peace with it! I'm happy to be able to say that. Earlier this week, I knew that if I needed to cancel, I could. And we've spent all week praying that God would make it clear.

I truly believe God works His miracles through medicine, and without medicine, and around medicine, and in medicine ... No matter what, HE is the one bringing Baby Boo into the world. If we trusted God to use medicine to get us our babies in the first place, what's to say we can't trust medicine to help get our babies out? Either way, God is sovereign, and as we submit to His will, He leads us to the best decisions for our family.

And so, today (hopefully not the wee hours of tomorrow morning! :) ), I will meet my baby girl. My Baby Boo. The one who has been squirming and kicking and dancing for months; the one who is already so much a part of me I can't even imagine my life without her--and I don't even know what she looks like. Today, I am Mama of Two: Bubba and Boo. Let the craziness begin!

Things I'll Miss

In an attempt to remind myself that this pregnancy really is nearing its end (whether I believe that truth right now or not), I'm going to try to list all the things I'll miss about being pregnant.

Here goes nothin'...

• My shelf. Hands down the best part of having a huge basketball shaped tummy is being able to rest my cereal bowl, water bottle, cup of coffee, whatever on my belly. DEFINITELY miss this convenience when I'm not pregnant! 

• The incredible sensation of feeling my baby squirm and twirl and roll. An honor bestowed on mothers--and I'm so glad I've had the two chances I've had so far to appreciate this miracle!

• Guilt-free donut holes at church. I really should stop, but they're just so yummy ... and nobody judges the 39 week pregnant woman with sugar crystals spattered on her belly shelf. 

• Joshua's child-like understanding of his sister and where she is. So. Adorable. 

• Solid reason for (and the time to) take naps. 

• I really do like some of my maternity clothes, and I get bummed to pack them up again!

• The lesser standard of working out that I can have for myself. A 30 minute walk is an awesome thing while pregnant! It's totally not enough when working off the pregnancy weight. 

• A natural, obvious talking point with strangers, new people at church, and friends. I guess the newborn easily fills that void though ... :)

• Rocking Joshua and Baby Boo at the same time, while still having half a lap and an arm free.

•  Freaking my brother out with my huge belly. He gets so shocked by it, even though he sees me weekly...

• Looking down at the Baby Boo bulge and remembering the pain and discouragement during the years where I wasn't pregnant, and felt like I was the only one who couldn't be pregnant. And the intense sweeping rush of gratitude and joy that follows as I thank God for answering my prayers with a "yes"--and a "yes" two times over at that!

I'm so ready to be done--at over 39 weeks pregnant, with my due date looming, I'm battling impatience. I know I know...I'm not even overdue yet! But since Joshua came two weeks early, it seems to me like Baby Boo is already one week late! I love being pregnant--I truly do. It is such an honor, and I'm so humbled and blessed to have now experienced it twice.

But, Baby Boo, come on out any time! We're ready to meet you!

Sacred Moments

I'm unnecessarily impatient.

Only 5 days past my 38th week, and I'm aimless, lethargic, and wondering why she hasn't come yet. Silly me--expecting her to be as early as her brother!

So, today, I decided to make the best of it, which meant giving myself the freedom to do absolutely anything Joshua wanted to do. No "No, honey, not now." or "Later baby, Mommy's busy!" Just a lot of "Sure!" "Good idea!" "Oh, you want another buckets of toys? Why not!"

Because I know that any day now (or next week or the next ...) I won't be at liberty to do this anymore. There will be another little human being who actually needs me more urgently than Joshua, and he and I will have to learn to be more separate. So today, I'm soaking up my Joshua time. And boy or boy, does that kid know how to play!

We dove into all sorts of activities. From bubbles, to squirt gun fights, and making of "yum yum" soup (day old hose water with bits of leaves), we had a blast on the deck in the morning shade.

More for Mommy's sanity than for Joshua's, we took a break and watched "Word World" my I mean Joshua's favorite cartoon. We munched on Cheerios and raisins and cuddled up under the froggie blanket on the couch.

Play-Doh was our next endeavor, and while I sat and made cookie cutter animal cutouts, Joshua used the spaghetti maker to make good "yum yum" food for his horse, Roxy.

We did some painting, some coloring, some dancing, some singing, some lay-on-the-floor chatting. Then we did some more painting. (And Mommy learned patience as her son mixed all the colors together to create ... ugly colors.) It's amazing how hard it can be to just let him create, instead of trying to show him how to do it "well". But how incredibly important to do so--for both him and for me! What he creates is so much sweeter than what I would do perfectly-within-the-lines with amazing color coordination and design. I'll take Joshua's creations any day!

We applied tattoos, picked up toys and dumped out new ones. We took some videos and talked a lot about baby sister. I didn't clean, I didn't email, I didn't sort, I didn't fold. I admit, I checked Facebook, and I obviously took photos, but this time was intended to be with my son. Not just near or around, but with. And it was fun!  

 There's truly nothing like taking a moment to relax on the couch and simply listen to the unintelligible language of your two year old as he plays with "rawrs" "people" and "tractors".

When he dribbled black water on the floor, all I could do was give him high five for making it to the sink without completely spilling and thank him for cleaning up his paint project. When he got in the way of my shot of the black water, all I could do was giggle at the awesome picture I captured of a two year old's delight. That face just screams, "My Mommy is present with me, and playing, and I think it's a BLAST to get in the lens of her camera!"


 And what better way to end our time than this: I was putting my tired puffy feet up on the couch and enjoying the sounds of Joshua playing with his Tonka cars. His level of exuberance matched my level of fatigue. Funny how that works! All of the sudden he quieted, and I heard him say his name for his baby sister. He then appeared at my side with his baby doll (named after his sister) and said very clear, "Cuddle deez Mama?"

Yes, Baby, we can cuddle. Today is do-whatever-you-want day. And Mommy sure loves to take time to cuddle!

 As he rested his head on my shoulder, he very adamantly placed baby on my other shoulder and indicated I should hug her. He then proceeded to share his raisins and Cheerios with his baby sister, while he actual baby sister pelted him with strong kicks from inside of me. We talked about life, and how we're going to make a birthday cake for the baby.

Today has been a good day. The house is not clean, the hospital bag is still only partially packed. I have unanswered emails, unwashed dishes, and a dozen little tasks I could be doing instead. But time with my Joshua is fleeting--and I truly don't know how much of this special one-on-one with my Little Buddy I have left. So for now he naps, and I'll rest too. Cuz once he's up and at 'em again, who knows what we'll do!

What has motherhood taught me in 2 1/2 years? The moments are miraculous, but we have to have to have to make time for them. And so today, I did. Because I could!

#enjoythestageyou'rein

#lessonlearned

38 Weeks: One Day

I woke up this morning, got my buddy breakfast, filled my coffee cup to the brim, and sat down to read my Bible. I started with my Jesus Calling devotional, September 8:  

Accept each day exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of your day but also the condition of your body.

I laughed out loud! Today I am 38 weeks, 1 day pregnant. When I was pregnant with Joshua, my water broke on the first day of my 38th week. It feels weird to reach this point, and to have a very strong sense that this time around, I'm going to be pregnant much longer. (Hopefully only like a week or so, but who knows!?)

Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in my sovereignty and faithfulness.

This opening paragraph fits PERFECTLY! It's funny, for all my "whining", I'm really not that uncomfortable, and I'm doing quite fine enjoying my sleep, time with Joshua, and relatively "easy" life. The addition of a squirming newborn will be so exciting ... but really, I'm cool if she wants to wait a week. 39 weeks and 1 day seems just fine .... :)

On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives--giving up or relying one Me.

I want Baby Boo to come when Baby Boo is supposed to come. And if it means getting uncomfortable and battling some intense impatience? Then so be it. On some days, yes--mother of two, Joshua and Boo, is a demanding role. But since I can't really give up, I just have to rely on Him.

...I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence.

 

36 Weeks: Mind Over Matter

It's amazing how my mind can get so set on something. No matter how many times I remind myself I'm 4 weeks out, and Baby Boo is due on September 21st, my mind is convinced she's coming as early as Joshua came--which means less than 2 weeks from now.

Well we all know, that just might not be true. 

And yet, my subconscious seems to have really grabbed hold of the idea. I find myself taking walks more often, randomly doing leg lifts, back stretches, leg stretches, side stretches (as if any of this really does anything) and the other night I had the most incredible urge to get off the couch onto the floor and do sit ups.

What the ... ?!

I think my subconscious is attempting to prepare my body for the inevitable, but it's not sure how to do it. I mean, leg lifts and sit ups? Really? I'm not heading toward the Olympics. 

It is funny though. With the first child, I could more easily settle my thoughts by saying "He's not due until May 4th! Don't get your hopes up that he'll be here early!" But since he DID come early ... and the doctor did say, "If he'd come any later, and any bigger, you may not have gotten him out!" ... it's so much harder this time around to not expect an early baby!

And then my mom reminds me that all of her first three were early ... 2 weeks, 3 weeks, and a few days .... and then the FOURTH one was late. Way to go, Molly. Way to go.

Either way, 2 weeks from now or 4, Baby Boo is a-coming, and I, for one, will be quite happy when she's interrupting my sleep in person, instead of by head butting my bladder and punching kidneys and sitting on nerves and kicking ribs.... :)

33 Weeks: More Nesting

Sorting.

I often can't breathe. I have sporadic "pregnancy panic attacks", my diaphragm is so overworked and squished it hurts, I am stiff and sore, I can hardly put my weight on my left leg .... and yet nesting takes over. The urge to sort, organize, throw, sift, and clean is so overwhelming, it doesn't matter that I am super uncomfortable.

All that matters is the toys, books, blocks, clothes, diapers, nuks, wipes, burp cloths, trains, "guys", stuffed animals and craft items all have a place and a use in this family.

AND that all the random "junk" toys that even the most picky family collects are stealthily set aside and throw away, unbeknownst to the little boy to my left.

Ah, what would a mother do without nesting? I just wish the power of nesting would come at any other time than 33 weeks pregnant. :)

33 weeks ... Baby Boo, we're getting ready for you!!

Toddler bed integrated into upstairs of home ... Check!
Curtains hung ... Check!
Burp cloths folded ... Check! (and I must say, I breathed in the scent of those cloths deeply. They still smell like my baby boy ... *sniff* *tear*)
Toys ruthlessly sorted ... Check!
Baby Boo's name created and hung ... Check!

And the list goes on!

Crafty Craft Maker and a Football Fan

When I married my husband, I appreciated greatly that he wasn't a massive football fan.

When my husband married me, he appreciated greatly that I wasn't a crafty craft maker.

My husband now watches lots of football and apparently I'm doing crafts.

What?!

(I blame his change in habits on Wisconsin. My change is, I believe, purely pregnancy related).

Below are before and after shots of my first attempt at something with fabric, cutting, ironing and glue.

Before

After!

 Only one side doesn't have random cut marks, glue seepage, or seams, but hey--that's one whole side that looks nice! Whoot Whoot!

30 Weeks: Ouch! That Hurts Mama!

My goodness, this little girl is a feisty one. I felt her early, and I felt her easily. At 12 weeks this little one was dancing away, hard enough for me to notice, and at now 30 weeks, her pirouettes and back handsprings are actually causing me to have some painful moments! Just a moment ago, I jumped and exclaimed, "Ouch!" to no one in particular. Yesterday, I was standing with my weight shifted to one leg, and she decided to throw her body weight in the same direction and I almost fell over! This little 3-ish pound girl is giving me a run for my money--already! 

As I'm sure most pregnant women do, I try to get Erik to understand and appreciate the experience I'm having--but words rarely get the job done. So the other night, I cuddled up right next to him in bed, and my big ole belly rested against his side. True to form, Baby Boo was awake and active--and Daddy finally caught a glimpse of what it's like to be Mommy at 10:30pm! Combining hiccups and karate, she put on quite a show for her dad, who simply said, "Wow--it's constant!!" And I said, "Yep--welcome to my life." :) 

Her knobby knees, bony elbows, tiny little behind and super hard head all bump around inside me, at all hours, and leave me envisioning this tiny little lady in a pink tutu, twirling and spinning her way into our lives. 

I'm so excited!!!!!

28 Weeks: Feelin' Pregnant

All right, that's it--I'm pregnant. I've been suspecting it for a while, but for sure it has been confirmed this week.

• I've nibbled the salt off more pretzel sticks than I care to count.
• I fell asleep on a lounge chair at the pool in 95 degree heat because I just couldn't not sleep.
• I watched half a movie laying flat on my back on the rock hard floor in an attempt to avoid more pain from a squished nerve under my left ribs. 
• I sagged my non-maternity work out shorts so low today to get 'em under the belly that I felt like a gangster. 
• Yesterday I ate Skittles, a Kitkat, and Starbursts. Seriously? Yes. Seriously.
• I tried sucking in my stomach the other day at the pool. Definitely a no-go. 
• The springboard at Joshua's tumbling class almost buckled under the weight of me. (Okay, not really, but that's how I felt.)
• The scale really did almost buckle under me today ... I've passed the 20 pound mark. What the ...?!?!?!
• I spent precious nap time minutes measuring and taping masking tape on the floor of the nursery/guest room to better visualize and feel where the crib and changing table will go. Over three months from now. Three months ... are you getting that Kristin? 12 whole weeks left--get it through your head!!!! You are no where near done!!!!
• I crave sweet tea, mango tea, green tea ... any way to get water to be more yummy. 

Not only am I feelin' pregnant, but I'm also feeling that "second baby" guilt.

• I haven't done a weekly pregnancy blog for Baby Boo. 
• I haven't journaled as much for Baby Boo.
• I've taken less photos to mark the growth of Baby Boo. 
• Basically I'm a horrible mother. *wink* *wink*

However ....

• Joshua sure loves his baby sister! 
• He knows her name, and talks about her all the time.
• If any other being is referred to as "baby," Joshua immediately corrects the situation by adamantly saying her name, and patting my belly.
• Baby Boo gets lullabies sung to her, and books read to her almost every day. While her big brother sits on her, of course. :)
• So, basically, Baby Boo might have less blogs, less journals, and less pictures, but what does she get in return? The best big brother EVER!

Yep, Baby Boo is keeping it real around here. Real hot, real sweaty, and real uncomfortable. 12 weeks to go ......

I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can


Interesting note: Check out my blog from 27 weeks pregnant with Joshua--apparently it's around 27-28 weeks that I get antsy! Ha!

25 Weeks: The Gift of Infertility

There I was, kissing my two year old angel goodbye, and struggling to climb semi gracefully out of the car. At 25 weeks pregnant, "graceful" is quickly becoming a thing of the past. I balanced a handful of trash, my water bottle and my purse, and walked quickly toward the park.

As I tried to contain the prego-waddle while shuffling toward the bridge, I saw the person I was meeting.

Today, I met with a young woman struggling with infertility.

 

Today, I met myself. 

As we walked the lake a few times, it was like looking in a mirror. The questions she asked, the emotions she expressed, the tears she shed ... It was like stepping into my own past.

It hasn't been that long, and yet it has. As infertility consumes and defines you, so does pregnancy and motherhood. 25 weeks into my second successful pregnancy, and I am surprised at how infrequently I remember the infertility. Even with a miscarriage less than a year ago, I am much more "mother of toddler" and "pregnancy guru" than I am the "infertility voice" that I was.

And yet, it's all still there. All I had to do was hear this young woman ask me questions like:

Were you able to still enjoy life in the midst of trying to conceive? 

How did you connect with your husband in the midst of the pain? 

Were there days you were just sad? 

Was there ever a time you just didn't think you could ever hope again?

Is there any way to not be consumed by it? 

I remember. I remember the darkness. I remember the pain. I remember the desperation, the inability to pray, the discouraging moments when you realize you might not have any more capacity for the disappointment that follows high hopes. I remember the tears. I remember the bitterness. I remember the guilt, the desire to show excitement for friends, the horrifying days when you recognize your lack of trust in the Lord.

I remember.

And as I told this young woman today, as we exchanged tissues and tears, I am so incredibly grateful that God has redeemed our pain. He has and continues to use our journey of infertility to minister to others. And not only does He use it now--He used it during the pain.

And that's my hope is that we can all realize that God doesn't wait for our pain to pass, for us to come up from under the darkness to use it all for good. If we allow Him to, He can and will start now. 

So if you are in the midst of pain, as many of us are--in some way or another--ask God to use it, redeem it, work through it NOW. Don't wait for later, when it's over and in the past. Might as well start using it for good.

What an incredible gift those almost three years were--those years of crying, beseeching, shouting, stonewalling, learning, grieving, growing, hoping, stretching. And now, 25 weeks pregnant with Baby Boo, God allowed me the incredible honor of reaching back into my not so distant past to help encourage another woman, desperate to be a mother, and aching with the pain of unfulfilled hopes.

I hope I never forget. Ever. The pain of infertility continues to shape my path, and makes me who I am--and I am so grateful for it.

23 Weeks: Baby Boo

We've discovered a nickname for our baby girl: Baby Boo. :) Love it!

I feel huge. I know I'm not, but I feel like I am! I don't remember this .... people always said you kinda forget, and it's true! I look in the mirror, and I do a double take--and then I wonder how much more I'll do double takes in the next 16ish weeks. :/

I have the most annoying pain right by my left ribs whenever I eat. I remember it with Joshua, but I don't remember it starting so early. (I think with Baby Boo I started noticing it around 17 weeks.) Anytime I eat, this ache/numb/tingly feeling creeps into this left side spot kind of at the bottom of my ribs. I imagine it's my stomach, completely and utterly squished, bulging and hitting some nerve and causing discomfort.

No matter what it is, it's annoying. That, with heartburn, are my worst pregnancy complaints. Otherwise, I'm feeling great! Oh--and sore feet. Sore, sore, sore feet.

I can't quite believe I'm 23 weeks into this! Baby Boo is soooo active from 9pm-11pm. She specially loves it when I lay pretty flat on the couch with my legs on the ottoman, or when I'm flat on my back in bed. She just goes nuts! Uncle Michael got to feel her dance moves the other night, as did Erik. It's so fun to be able to share that!

Joshua still hugs and kisses Boo all the time. If anyone else talks about their baby--like a little friend of his at the YMCA--Joshua gets quite adamant that the baby is right here--and points emphatically at my belly. Such a good big brother!

So, here we are--23 weeks. Loving it, but seriously seriously wondering about the next (hopefully 15) weeks.... :)

17 Weeks: Movin' & Groovin'!

My goodness--this baby is on FIRE!

I've been sitting in this comfy chair for about 20 minutes, doing some journaling, reading, and crafting an email that I hope will encourage my ladies in my Growth Group, and "Baby L" has been having a BLAST bumping around inside me! This is the most consistent, lengthy bout of movement yet! So far, since week twelve, I've had random, unexpected jolts of movement, followed by stillness--sometimes days of stillness. But in the last 5 minutes, Baby L has apparently found his or her inner gymnast! I'm sitting here as long as I possibly can to enjoy this confirmation of a growing baby!

Something's been really bothering me lately ... I cannot for the LIFE of me remember how much weight I gained with Joshua! Why does it matter, you ask? Well, it doesn't, really. But the competitiveness in me--the part of me that loves to be competitive with myself (ala "Monica" from Friends, "Take THAT last year me!" Anyone? Anyone?!) really wants to know where I'm at now compared to then.

Anyway, just a random thought I thought I'd share as I sit here and revel in the dance moves of my second child. :)

Second child--whoa. I Skyped for like, 9 minutes with my sister-in-law and long time friend Elizabeth today. She had all four of her adorable children with her--and by with her, I mean climbing over, under, and on top of her. For a very brief moment, I saw all of their precious faces in the camera lens and I thought, "Sheesh! She's got 4 kids! And I'm freaked out about a second??"

My friend Becky told me on Sunday that it's when number 2 comes along that you discover just how strong you really are. She said you'll realize you're stronger than you ever thought possible. I groaned at her and said, "But I already DID that--when Joshua was born!" She laughed and said that nope, you can and will be even stronger.

We'll see, dear friend ... we'll see.

(Becky also has four children, and is one of my heroes. I just don't know how she does it .....)

Well, it seems as if Baby L has ended his or her dance party. I sure enjoyed it while it lasted. I can't wait until Baby L is here and big brother Joshua can teach his younger sibling all of his awesome dance moves and they can commiserate in their baby language and conspire to create all sorts of wonderful mischief to help show this mama just how strong she actually is.

I seriously can't wait--even though it makes me tired just thinking about it. :)

This is what life is all about--learning that nothing, absolutely nothing in this life is about me. If marriage is a relationship that makes me holy (thanks Gary Thomas for that tip), then motherhood is a joyous role that makes me frighteningly aware of my shortcomings, and increasingly and incredibly aware of His strength.

14 Weeks: Rub that Tummy

I'm in a training to be certified for Myers Briggs all week, and I'm really enjoying it! But wanna know what I've noticed?

I find myself rubbing my belly. Often. 

Mind you, I'm barely showing. I wouldn't even call it "showing" -- I'd call it ... well, let's just say I don't have a tight 6 pack, but my pants still mostly fit.

But in a group of strangers, most of whom don't know I'm pregnant, I feel compelled to rub my belly, and walk with just the teeniest of waddle so as to indicate that I'm not just undisciplined in my sit up regime. I'm in fact, carrying a child.

It's funny to realize the amount of heavy sighs, strange stretches, mindless rubbing of my midsection ... people probably still don't think I'm pregnant, they just think I'm weird. :)

11 Weeks: Taco Bell & Pizza Pit

What is up with pregnancy making me want the nastiet food EV-ER?! It's ridiculous really. When I should be eating the best foods ever, to assist in my health as well as my growing baby's, I want Taco Bell and Pizza Pit. Both of which caused me such indigestion and, ahem, digestion issues (to put it nicely) I half thought I was miscarrying and have now determined I will never EVER eat those things again!

(Well, Pizza Pit I'll probably give another chance. But considering I vowed off Taco Bell 4 years ago, and only gave in recently due to a prego craving, I'm back on my vow. That stuff is NAS-TY. Gross.)

On another note ...

I pulled out all of my maternity clothes this week. A few weeks ago, I panicked because I thought I'd lost them all in our move. But fortunately, we found them! I ran 'em all through the dryer to shake out the wrinkles, and made space for them in my closet. A few times I caught myself thinking, "Man, it sure would suck if I lost this baby cuz I'd have to pack all these clothes back up and that'd be hard. Maybe I should just keep them packed away instead of being hopeful..."

Funny how the brain works, isn't it? I have no reason to believe this pregnancy isn't going just fine. I have no reason, other than random statistics on the web that I refuse to read, to think that anything will go wrong. And yet, in a perfectly normal moment, fear of loss tries to break through.

Even at 11 1/2 weeks, it's a daily battle to surrender every twinge, every passing cramp, every thoughtless worry. You think seeing the ultrasound, or hearing the heartbeat, or getting strong blood results will make everything okay. But that reassurance wears off, and the weeks until the next appointment seem long, and so you trust. And waver, and trust and waver and trust .... and on and on it goes until that little baby is delivered into your arms.

Having been through a whole pregnancy and birth and now two years of motherhood, I of course now truly understand how it's a never-ending act of surrender. Every day, my little boy--my joy, my love, my life--has to be surrendered to God--who is my Joy, my Love, my Life.

Surrender. Who woulda thought I'd get from Taco Bell & Pizza Pit to Surrender?

Not I, I tell you. Not I.

What do you need to surrender today?

10 Weeks: A Nap A Day ...

... Keeps the crazy away.

Problem is, I can't always have a nap! I know all of you moms-of-many-children are already nodding saying, "Yep--she finally understands. Number Two is super tiring!" And I mean, seriously! I'm just so darn tired!

At least I'm not sick ... and I know I make many women green with envy when they ask, "How ya been feeling?" with that side head tilt and sad I-pity-you look on their faces and I say, "I don't get sick!" They go "What?!" And I go "Yep!" And they go "Uh uh!" and I go "For sure! I just eat. And eat. And eat and eat... and then get raging heartburn."

Tums are my best friend. Tums and naps.

I up and decided it was time for a break from Facebook. I need it, my life needs it, my little boy needs it .... then I heard Baby L's heartbeat. So I quick logged back on .... then I got to baptize my brother and just had to share, so I quick logged back on ... then I noticed my good friend's 31 week baby bump photo ... so I stayed logged on.

I'm going to ATTEMPT to just cut back. I did really well today--anytime I went to aimlessly check FB, I stopped myself and either got back to work or walked away from the laptop *gasp* and played with my son.

The heartbeat was an amazing moment. I sure do love hearing those heartbeats. With our three miscarriages, we never made it to hearbeat-hearing stage, so for us, the heartbeat-hearing is a HUGE sigh of relief. We know we're still not "out of the woods"--and truly, no one ever is in pregnancy, unfortunately. But hearing that heartbeat sure brings peace to this Mama's heart. 

10 weeks. Raging heartburn (Tums Tums and more Tums), endless fatigue (I woke up exhausted from my 2 1/2 hour nap the other day ...), strange cravings (I've had green olives and hot dogs for 3 different meals this week), and unstable moods (If only I could nap, the crazy might stay away ....).

Pregnancy with Baby L is a lot different than Pregnancy with Joshua. Should be a fun ride!

Heart Beat!

Heard a heartbeat today! Baby L is 9 weeks, 6 days, with a heart rate of 168 BPM.

And for all of you who immediately think "GIRL!" .... Joshua's HR at 10 weeks 2 days was 169 BPM. So .... we'll see!

I could hear my heart beat and Baby L's at the same time ... it sounded so amazing. The baby's beat was almost perfectly double mine. We're making music together already!

I was so spoiled with Joshua. We got ultrasounds at 7 weeks, 8 weeks, 10 weeks, 14 weeks, ..... This one, unless something bad happens, which of course I hope it doesn't, we won't get to see until 20 weeks! It's just so different not seeing the little one so often!

But I'm sure grateful I asked for a doppler today. They normally don't listen for a heartbeat at 9 weeks (what is WITH this doctor??) but she said, "Well, you're skinny enough, as long as you promise not to get anxious if we can't find it, I'll try." And we found it! Good little cooperative baby. :)

Yay for a heartbeat! We're moving along!

9 Weeks: 5th Time's the Charm

Actually I guess the 3rd time was the first charm ... Joshua Nelson being said charm. Man, I love that kid.

But apparently (fingers still crossed pretty hard ... ) the 5th time is the charm for us too.

An emotionally grueling week and a half of spotting behind us, a heartbeat seen, two blood clots discovered, the official announcement (Facebook is the official thing these days ....) completed, the fatigue full on, the heart burn raging .... seriously, I'm only NINE weeks along?! Are you serious? I feel like I've been pregnant forever! :)

To be clear, I'm loving every minute.

It sure is different doing this the second time around. (Well, the 5th time around, but only the second time we've made it to a heart beat, so yeah--totally awesome by the way!) Poor little Joshua--Mama dozes on the couch for most of the morning. Good thing he has learned to play so well by himself to the background noise of Cat in the Hat, Super Why, Dinosaur Train, and Sesame Street.

If you read my post from earlier this week, you know that the early weeks of this pregnancy were drama-filled, per usual for our household. I still remind myself every day to breathe a prayer of thanks for this little one inside of me, as I play with and chase the little one who brings joy to my life every day.

It's such a miracle when a child is actually brought from conception, through pregnancy, and into this world to grow and develop and touch the lives of those around him. We had days where we thought Joshua would never be a name we got to use. We wondered if children were not in our future ... and then, once we were blessed with our little angel, we were always very aware to continue to have hearts of gratitude--and hearts that had learned the hard way not to assume we'd be able to have more children.

Every child is a blessing--we all know that. And for us, they are blessings we never count on having. We agreed early on that if God blessed us only with Joshua, then we would be forever grateful. At least we had our Joshua. So now, to be pregnant with another, with a heart beat, with the hope of bringing another Lindeen baby into the world in September ... we are speechless. We are so honored.

When we decided it was time to start trying again, we fully prepared our hearts for another journey. More charting, more waiting, more timing, more hoping, more praying ... but it worked! The first time! We couldn't believe it, and truly, still can't. It's absolutely incredible!

I keep telling Joshua, "My Mommy heart is so full--I'm so in love with you, and so thankful for Baby L" He just grins, points at my tummy, mutters something in jibberish and gallops away to play drums or drive "woo-woos" (trains).

Truly, my Mommy-heart is so full, and I know it's only going to get fuller. We are so incredibly thankful for this unexpected turn in our journey--an easy conception, and hopefully, a smooth pregnancy from here on out.

Here's to Baby L!

Trusting in the Midst of Grief

These past two weeks have been a roller coaster.

We found out we were pregnant on January 5, much to our surprise considering our history of struggling to conceive. And thus we began the wonderful journey of early pregnancy--cautious hope, hesitant excitement, all with a dash of anxiety and a base of trust.

Unlike my three pregnancies that ended in miscarriage, I had an incredible sense of peace that this one was going to work. Even when I would wonder and slip into doubt, I could honestly say that it felt like we were definitely going to have a baby in September. I just had peace.

By the time I was 6 weeks along, we were feeling pretty good. And then we received some fun news that a friend was pregnant as well! How fun that she and I would get to experience this joy together.

Then I started bleeding. And I must say, I just lost it. I ignored the peace that I had, and I sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed. I was so hurt, and scared, and confused. I just couldn't understand why God gives, and takes away. (Even though I recognize He doesn't necessarily cause miscarriages, in my sorrow, I was upset that He hadn't prevented it.) We began to prepare our hearts for the journey we know all too well--recovering from the grief and heartache of early miscarriage.

But I was still pregnant--what?! My hormone levels were rising, my symptoms weren't disappearing ... and lo and behold, a week and a day later, after spotting consistently, I saw a teeny tiny little heartbeat. The peace I had was accurate; in spite of all appearances, there's a little baby growing in there!

The same day, my friend experienced some spotting too. She got an ultrasound, saw a teenier-tinyer little embryo (no heartbeat yet) and felt great! We again were so excited.

But her spotting continued. While mine finally, slowly, went away (it was due to two small clots near the placenta), her's increased. Until, sadly, yesterday she lost the baby.

And thus the blog title: Trusting in the Midst of Grief.

In the midst of heartache and pain, what does it look like to trust? In the midst of the unknown and fear, how do we rest in God's peace? Does trusting mean the absence of all emotion? Does resting mean we never cry out in agony and pain?

NO.

If I learned anything in my journey to conceive Joshua, it's that God is big enough to handle my emotions. And boy am I glad He is, cuz I sure have a lot of them! I remember feeling some guilt after we realized I wasn't miscarrying. I recalled finding the bleeding, and turning my face to the ceiling, asking, "Really God? Really?" In hindsight, I of course felt bad that my first response was the blame Him.

But guess what--He's still God.

In the hours leading up to my ultrasound, where I would discover whether my baby was alive and growing, or about to miscarry, my battle against fear and anxiety was escalating. It took every ounce of my strength--Christ's strength in me--to surrender my fears and TRUST. And if you could have heard me in those moments, you would not have heard anything that sounded like peaceful trust. I was a little bit of a wreck. The unknown--the possibility of having to accept and slog through another miscarriage--was weighing on me like a ball and chain. Did this mean I didn't trust that God is good? Did this mean that I didn't know that His plan is best and miscarriage serves a natural purpose? Did this mean that I wasn't trying to surrender and rest in His peace?

NO.

Trusting in the Midst of Grief is hard. It sucks. It's a roller coaster.

My friend is there right now--and I'm there with her. My heart is breaking for the pain I know she is feeling. The pain I begged God to give me, instead of her, because I at least know from experience how to deal with it. I tear up constantly, my heart physically aches, my stomach just isn't right today. I am asking God "Why?" ... and yet, I trust. I trust that He is good. I trust that He can handle our grief. I trust that He saw that little baby, and He knew the journey my friend would take. And I trust that He will sustain her, and make her stronger, through it.

I remain confident of this:
   I will see the goodness of the LORD
   in the land of the living.
 Wait for the LORD;
   be strong and take heart
   and wait for the LORD. 

Psalm 27: 13-14

Week 38: Surprise!!

He arrived! 38 weeks and 2ish days into my pregnancy, my water broke!

I was home all morning working. I spoke with my doula by phone, and even asked her how I would know if my water was leaking. She suggested trying some exercises to see if I could nudge the baby a little to get the water flowing, if it was actually leaking. So, I made myself a late lunch at 3:30pm and went to watch some TV. I thought, "Oh--I'll do that one exercise real quick." So I got down on my hands and knees and arched and curved my back a few times. I stood up, sat down, leaned forward, picked up my sandwhich, and POP! My water broke. I barely made it to the bathroom! And then, I realized I'd left my cell on the table! So I waddled back out, grabbed my cell, waddled back to the bathroom and called Erik.

"I think--I THINK--my water broke."

I don't remember exactly what he said, but I do remember sensing his "soon-to-be-a-daddy" tension in his voice. He was already on his way home, so that worked out well. :)

True to my nature, I spent the next 2 hours cleaning up emails, straightening the house, and checking Facebook. Priorities, right? I wasn't contracting--just leaking. 

Around 6pm my Mom came, and we decided to head to the hospital, as I really didn't want to have bad contractions start in the car or something. So we arrived at the hospital at 6:30--3 hours after my broken water. They checked me and declared my water had broken (duh) and that I was dilated to 4. The contraction monitor indicated only "irritations" in the uterus. No contractions really yet. 

By 7:30 the contractions had picked up. I had a great birth team--my doula, Terri (www.coloradocaringdoulas.com), Erik, my Mom, and Kelly Little. Each one contributed immeasurably to my soundness of mind, determination and comfort! I went drug-free, and cursed my decision consistently during the later contractions.

I started really wanting to push around 10:30, I think, but I was only dilated to maybe an 8. By 11:30 I was at 9 and 3/4 cm. They let me push. :) And I pushed and pushed and pushed--until little Joshua Nelson Lindeen was born at 1:39am on April 22nd! 

One funny moment: I was pushing, and my Mom was holding one leg while Erik held the other. Kelly and Terri (my doula) were chatting on the couch, because there wasn't anything for them to do! My Mom jokingly said, "Hey, you two--some of us are working hard over here!" I finished my push and clearly said, "Don't you even TALK to me about working ...." I love that, somehow, in the midst of pushing out a child, I still had my sense of humor.

It's so hard being the mommy and hearing him, and knowing he's there but having to sit on the stupid bed and deliver the placenta! What cruelty! At least I knew Erik was with him and bonding in a way that is so necessary for the Daddy, who didn't get 9 months of closeness with the little guy.

 

We knew immediately that this was the end of the nickname "Bubba"--this baby is no Bubba! Instead we've settled into a few nicknames--I tend to call him Bugger while Erik calls him Little Dude and Pal. :)

What an incredible experience ... when my water broke, I just remember thinking, "Wow--there's no turning back. He's coming, and I have no idea what to expect ..." and yet my body knew exactly what to do. And I did it naturally! Whoohoo!!!

Meeting that little guy, holding him in my arms for the first time ... what a magical experience. This little person who I already knew so well ... there he was on my chest! Breathing, blinking, whimpering ... and of course hiccuping. :) Just like he had in the womb.

I LOVED the hospital. Didn't want to leave. In fact, I cried about leaving. I just relished the support, the nursery I could send him to, the sleep I got, the food I ate ...but, we had to come home sometime! 

My parents and sisters created a wonderful environment for us to come home to. My house was clean, candles were lit, food was prepared--it was wonderful! What a blessing!

Our friend Kelly was a great support--to not only me, but Erik too! We are so glad Joshua came before she left for Arizona the next day!!!

Joshua and Grandma! My Mom is a Grandma--Weird! I'm so glad she was there for the birth. She did great!!

  

Tara and Molly flew in to meet little Josh! I'm so glad they could come! It was great!

So that's the story! He's here ... I still can't believe it. I'm a mommy! Joshua's mommy! I'm tired and exhausted and overwhelmed and emotional ... but my prayers were answered. I have my little miracle--and he sure is cute!!

Week 37: Good Examples

Parents: We Love 'Em!

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my parents. This makes sense, since I'm on my way to becoming a parent myself! Parents also keep coming up in conversations with my friends. I've been asked a number of times lately if I'm concerned at all about my parents, and Erik's parents, and boundaries once the baby comes. My honest answer is always, "Huh--no, not really!" and people tend to look at me like I'm a little naive. And maybe I am--but I honestly don't see my parents or Erik's as being anything but supportive, respectful--and of course super excited for our son and our journey of parenting!

See, unlike some adults who continually realize what they didn't like about their parents, I am consistently realizing how amazing my parents really were/are! Erik and I agree--the older we get, the more appreciative of and in awe of our parents we are. We are so blessed; our parents, all four of them, were and continue to be incredible examples of, well, good parenting!



My parents, John and Karen, have somehow struck a perfect balance of love, freedom, discipline and silliness. I was their guinea pig, which sometimes I jokingly complain about, but I wouldn't have it any other way!



I have always loved this picture. Such comfort and security--I love my mom!




Daddy-daughter moments--I have so many good memories of my Dad! Goofy as he is, he did an awesome job of raising all of girls ... and my brother. :)


Tim and Linda--Erik's their only son, and they raised him so well!

Sons learn how to be men from their Dads; Tim taught Erik well!


Linda (and Tim) instilled such a love of music into their children--and I get to reap the benefits!

Erik and I agree--we have the best parents in the world. They taught us so much, and we can't wait to start employing the same skills with our son! Thank you to our parents! We can't wait to see you learn to be our son's grandparents as well.