A New Stage

So, I have a masters degree. That's a little strange. It's odd that this incredible sense of "lostness" that I have indicates that I have another degree. What's even the point? I'm not sure. I never really was sure, as I'm not one to strive to climb the corporate ladder, or any ladder for that matter. What I do know is this: those classes kept me grounded and sane--and distracted--through the most difficult almost two years of my entire life. What would I have done with myself if I had not had my coursework to throw myself into? To stress about? To celebrate? To channel my emotions? I truly believe I would have gone nuts.

Some might say that I don't have a child yet because I needed to get school finished. Well, that might have something to do with the timing. I believe, rather, that I have a masters degree because God knew it would be the only thing that would get me through this trying time (other than Him, of course!). I don't not have a child because of my masters degree; I have a masters degree because it wasn't quite time to have a child. Interesting, looking back on it, how school ended up having such a unique purpose in my life.

What am I going to do without school? I am still not "with child", so here I sit. Feeling rather lost. Out of the past 25 years, I have been in school for 19 (not counting pre-school, because that's really more about socialization and learning to jump really high). During my marriage, I have been in school for 2 of the three years! Married people--what do you do with your time??

I guess I'm glad I have a masters degree. I've always excelled at school, so it is fun to know that I have accomplished this. I met a great group of people while doing it, and discovered things about myself that I never knew. I may end up teaching because of it. Hey--maybe that's what I'll do with my spare time. I'll go back to school.

Why am I tested?

God has this wonderful habit of testing whatever it is I just committed to doing. Isn't that just lovely? I talk to myself outloud and convince myself to yet again remember to trust in Him. I verbally remind myself to stop whining about the 'unfairness' of life and choose hope. I conjure up as many Bible verses as possible while I drive and speak them outloud, letting them soothe my soul.

And what happens the minute I walk through the door? I'm told a family friend is pregnant...again, I get an email update from another preggers friend, and I receive a baby shower invitation in the mail.

Now, I try not to be too dramatic about things (this statement is tongue in cheek for those of you who really know me), but seriously--how much more could I be hit with? I can only stand up under so much before I just collapse! I can only go so long before I'm ready to shout--"That's IT! I'm DONE! Forget it!" And yet, what am I quitting on? What am I forgetting? God? God Himself? I think I can just tell Him I'm fed up and walk away forever? Like that's going to help. I'm so incredibly tired of waiting, wanting, hoping, stuffing, sobbing, wishing, trusting, hiding, smiling, continuing on in the face of complete and utter disappointment. I don't even talk about it anymore; what's the point? No one understands, and to be honest, I'm kind of tired of the sympathetic half smiles. Not that I don't appreciate it, but I'm just tired of being that girl.

I know I need the Lord, but I sure am tired of being tested. But, I can't do this on my own. If I had to ... well, that would just suck.

So Far in 2008 ... A Picture Montage

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Box Turtles: My Strange Obsession ... One Day

Previously posted on MySpace on Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Box Turtles Current mood: Enthralled Not many people in life have had the honor of feeding a cage full of box turtles. Let me tell you--it's exhilarating. (Please note the sarcasm in my tone). As I set the slightly moldy blueberries in the cage, a few heads "pop" up--as much as a turtle can pop. One brave soul crawls over, sticks his nose in and secures a blueberry--stuck on his snout. Not exactly the result he was hoping for, I'm sure. But, I can only assume. I then set the coveted "monkey" burgers that are soaking in a pool of water into the cage. Many stampede--sort of. The blueberry guy scrambles over, tugging the blueberry off his nose just in time to ram his mouth into the monkey burger--oops, my bad--it's not soft enough yet for him to eat. No matter--he'll just suck up the water like there's no tomorrow. Another little dude ambles over and proceeds to spend 3 minutes attacking the burger with no success--it's still too hard. Meanwhile, Weesie, the 26 year box turtle, simple sits in the corner with a look of wisdom on her old, wrinkled face. She truly is a relic. Two other turtles, recent additions from the backyard I think, have been mating this entire time. (I once tried to pull box turtles apart when I was a kid. Little did I know the pain that caused them.) So now I just glance at them from time to time. It's a pretty interesting process really. The one little dude is still trying to attack the burgers; he stops to suck water for a while. Two tan ones come over for a try, but with no success. Man, I'm mean to put un-soaked monkey burgers in the cage! One tan guy sits on the blueberries to get to the burgers; apparently my berries are not too interesting to the turtles. I notice that one guy is chillin in the corner, his back to the world. He's zoning out the "window". His view? The wall. .....As I sat and watched these turtles, fight so viciously for a bite of monkey burger, some not fighting at all, and some simply concentrate on procreating, I am amused. These turtles have been around my whole life; one of them, Clayton (I think he's the one who first attacked the burgers) supposedly is mine. These turtles have lived in this cage, eating these burgers, sitting on blueberries and mating just to mate (the eggs never live), for over 20 years. The monkey burgers are soft enough now, but they've almost all lost interest. The one maybe called Clayton is eating; he conquered the burger. One little dude gave up and started eating the berries. The two tan ones have surrounded the guy who was zoning out the window--maybe they're giving a turtle pep talk. The two mating are still going; they've actually rotated an entire 360 degrees--pretty incredible since the male is sitting straight up attached to the female. Weesie continues to look on, content in her corner, watching the world through turtle-wisened eyes. I swear she's looking at me and smiling....maybe after 23 years together, she recognizes me. Op--and now another one is on the blueberries, a tan one has climbed on top of the Zoning guy, and the two are still mating in the corner. Ah, the life of a box turtle. Maybe watching them is more interesting than I first thought.