Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Why am I tested?

God has this wonderful habit of testing whatever it is I just committed to doing. Isn't that just lovely? I talk to myself outloud and convince myself to yet again remember to trust in Him. I verbally remind myself to stop whining about the 'unfairness' of life and choose hope. I conjure up as many Bible verses as possible while I drive and speak them outloud, letting them soothe my soul.

And what happens the minute I walk through the door? I'm told a family friend is pregnant...again, I get an email update from another preggers friend, and I receive a baby shower invitation in the mail.

Now, I try not to be too dramatic about things (this statement is tongue in cheek for those of you who really know me), but seriously--how much more could I be hit with? I can only stand up under so much before I just collapse! I can only go so long before I'm ready to shout--"That's IT! I'm DONE! Forget it!" And yet, what am I quitting on? What am I forgetting? God? God Himself? I think I can just tell Him I'm fed up and walk away forever? Like that's going to help. I'm so incredibly tired of waiting, wanting, hoping, stuffing, sobbing, wishing, trusting, hiding, smiling, continuing on in the face of complete and utter disappointment. I don't even talk about it anymore; what's the point? No one understands, and to be honest, I'm kind of tired of the sympathetic half smiles. Not that I don't appreciate it, but I'm just tired of being that girl.

I know I need the Lord, but I sure am tired of being tested. But, I can't do this on my own. If I had to ... well, that would just suck.


  1. Hey Kristin,
    Great to find your blog. Also, regarding this post - thanks for the vulnerability. Seasons of "waiting" are messy, that's for sure. I continue to hope and pray with you and wish there were magic answers. But, you're right, we must never give up - on God, on dreams, on hope...I pray courage over you at this time.

    Can't wait for LOST days again. We really miss seeing you guys!

    Carol Ann

  2. I love your honest walk with the Lord. For a while my struggle has been, WHO ELSE is engaged? And immediately I have a sarcastic response because it's less painful-'Another one bites the dust.'
    When our pain is all around us, it certainly prompts our response to cry out to God to have the endurance to push through.