Friday, October 24, 2008

I AM Job.

I AM Job.
"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Job 1:21
Gut wrenching pain to the depths of my being. Never before have such emotions racked my body, wreaking havoc on my soul, clouding my mind. Look at me--really look! Do you see? How can't you see? You see strength, you say. Resolve, determination, might.
Look again. Outward glimpses lie. Look closely and you'll see a heart that's barely beating, a mind that won't stop racing, emotions that rage savagely, doubts that clamor to overtake all and a faint hope that grows weaker by the day. Every morning is another crushing blow; every swollen belly a hit to mine; every baby a cutting reminder. Such depression I've never experienced---such intense anger I've never felt. Such pain ... I can hardly breathe.
Chaotic emotions, ever changing feelings, bitter dark thoughts, brief reprieves of hope and joy. The waiting, the wondering, the worrying ...which emotion will come next? Why am I crying? Why these tears? I don't even know--couldn't explain it if I tried. Raving lunacy; fury and sorrow. The rollercoaster of my life.
Silently I grieve, quietly I fret. My resolve evaporates more each day. My heart slows, hope wanes, memories fade, dreams die. Innocence gone, never again to be found. Overwhelming excitement will now be debilitating fear.
Tell me not to worry; tell me not to despair and I'll tell you of the gut wrenching pain to the depths of my soul.
I AM Job.
"and in all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing." Job 1:22

Originally written March 9, 2007
Re-posted in honor of grieving friends and my own continued emotionally taxing journey.

1 comment:

  1. Oh dear, dear Kristin,
    My heart aches for you and the emotions you describe here...we pray for you without ceasing. I am sick inside, hearing how you hurt inside. I know you have been told before...but truly, I am praying that hope will not, does not die within your very being...that deep peace and joy will comfort you...a peace that passes all understanding of the facts of the day. I love you and I will keep believing every day for you and Erik's miracle~for you to conceive a child!