It was during Week 27 that I first had this thought, "I don't want to be pregnant anymore."
GASP! What?? Did I just have that thought? How DARE I?
I even voiced this thought to Erik one night. And I even guiltily told my closest friends ... "This is the first week I've felt 'inconvenienced'." And I feel such a burden of guilt for even thinking, let alone saying that.
When I was in the midst of struggling to conceive, the most hurtful, frustrating thing, of many hurtful frustrating things, was when a beautifully pregnant woman would openly complain about her growing body, whine about the pregnancy ... I remember trying to understand, trying to sympathize (knowing I could never truly understand) but it was so difficult for me, since I so badly wished I could swap places. I remember declaring to Erik that I would never wish for my pregnancy to be over, that I would never complain about whatever aches and pains would come.
So now that I'm here, and my understanding is more clear, I feel such guilt when I whine even a little bit.
It's incredible to me that A) Something I wanted for so long really is here, and is truly so amazing. B) My body can do this miraculous thing and C) That even in pregnancy, I find something to feel guilty about.
So let's talk about the truth:
The truth is, I am so grateful to be pregnant. Rarely a day goes by where I don't shake my head in wonder, and thank Jesus for this gift that I do not deserve!
The truth is, Infertility was so hard--obviously. And I don't fault myself for struggling when pregnant women complained; it's where I was at, and it was real.
The truth is, Pregnancy can be hard. For me, not much of it has been. But there are moments, now hitting third trimester and really feeling the burden of my growing body, that I just want to be done.
However, the real truth is, I love being pregnant. I wouldn't trade it for the world--aches, pains, heartburn, loss of bladder control, fatigue and all--this is the greatest experience of my life!
So even if I voice a little complaint, or heave a sigh and wish for May, it's okay. God who blessed me with this little boy understands--it's not for lack of gratitude. It's just real life ... and there's no need to feel guilt. :)