Wednesday, January 5, 2011

A Peek into my Head

As I sit here at this keyboard, I feel a little stalled. I want to blog--I really do. I know it feeds my soul, and sometimes ministers to others. I'm blessed by the impact my words have had on others throughout the years, and I would hope that God would choose to continue working through me that way.

But can He?

Oops ... scratch that. WILL He? (Because, of course, I know He CAN do whatever He chooses.)

Will He work through me?

When I'm hardly in the Word?
Barely eeking out prayers?
Discontent with parts of my life?
Exhausted and overwhelmed?
When I'm selfish and stubborn?
Critical and lazy?

Will He work through me when my life is disorganized, out of sync, swirling, whirling and possibly not in line with Him?

Will He?

Hm ... this got a little more dramatic than I meant it to. Ha--story of my life!

I'm really struggling with this whole transition to motherhood. I'm realizing that I naively thought Joshua would just fit right alongside me in my current life. That adding a baby really was just like adding an accessory--he would make me look pretty, add a taking piece to my daily life, and come along with me wherever my whims took me.

SOOOO not the case.

What was I thinking?

Did I really think I could work from home, with no outside help to watch my child?
Did I really think I could continue serving with the youth ministry in the same capacity, and that Joshua would just sleep in the corner of the youth group room on Wednesdays?
Did I really think I'd still get to the gym to work on my fitness at least 2 times a week?

Did I really think the shoes could stay by the front door, the fire place could be turned on, the cat food/water could stay on the kitchen floor, the photo books could stay on the coffee table shelf, and the computer cords could continue to dangle off the dining room table?

Words like: Organize. Prioritize. Schedule. Evaluate. Time Management. How do they make you feel? They make me want to puke. Which is ironic, because Time Management was one of my favorite seminars to teach when I was an academic advisor.

I just about died when I read my sister-in-laws FB status the other day. Something about creating yearly, monthly, weekly, daily, hourly, minutely schedules. (Okay, there's that propensity for the dramatic again. I'm pretty sure she stopped at daily ...) I read her status and immediately felt sick to my stomach. "I can't do that!" was my thought. And yet, it's quite possible, that I could.

I called said sister-in-law the other day to get advice. She is mother to 3 amazing kiddos, and somehow manages to cook, keep house, teach classes at a music school, and still have coffee here and there with friends. What the ??!! I remember saying to her something to the effect of, here I am, with college degree on top of college degree...someone who trains others on how to manage time and succeed in life ... and I can't figure out how to create and stick to any sort of schedule. AH!!! And she said lots of good stuff ... too bad I'm so caught up in my drama right now to listen very well to anyone. But I do know she said something about trying and failing and trying again. And not trying to be perfect. Hm....think she knows me at all?

I think so.

Well, this "peek in my head" turned out to be more of a stream of consciousness with no real point. Other than to let you understand how confused my head is right now. Hopefully it was semi entertaining for you ... I think I'm glad I did it. Except I gave up a quick nap to do this instead ... hmmm ... Ask me at 5pm tonight when Josh is fussy and I'm alone with him for the evening and I have a headache if I'm glad I chose blogging over napping.


  1. I laughed and cried reading this blog. I love you! You are doing a fantastic job!... DON'T beat yourself up! You are only 8 months into this. :) But do keep calling... we can vent/cry/figure this crazy life out together! :)

  2. Wow, maybe we're twins today...I sooooo hear on this! feeling disorganized, messy, selfish, confused, yet God can and probably will use us, in ways we wouldn't expect, at times we probably wouldn't expect either. Hope you had a wonderful Christmas with your family, Kristin! :)