Stranger Things Have Happened ... Musings on MySpace, high school, red wine and strong coffee.

Tonight I step out of my comfort zone--the land west of HWY 85--and stepped into a place I try not to go very often: Brighton, CO.

I guess I'm there almost every Monday to pick up my three sisters from school. But I drive my parents' car, zoom up Buckley, zip west on Southern, grab two of them and high tail it east on Southern, snag the other, and get outta town as fast as possible.

Why?

I have no idea.

Ever since I left for college, I've avoided Brighton.

Again, why?

Again, I have no idea.

Well, I have some ideas.

Seriously, what is it with high school? It is really such a short time in our lives as a whole, but oh the impact that it makes. And I had a great high school experience--good friends, nice boyfriend, great drama and choir programs ... successful overall. So what's the big deal about delving back into that circle?

I'm sure I'm remembered as aloof, self righteous, pretty quiet, and somewhat dramatic.

And guess what--it's probably because I am. I was, and I still am. Difference is, now I've recognized it, and I'm okay with it.

As I sat tonight with a friend and chatted quietly (covering topics as different as God and wine, MySpace [and why we both have an inability to let go of our profiles, even though we don't use it, can't remember our log ins and haven't changed our picture in years!!] and my Mom's strong coffee), I mentioned to her that, here I was again, probably appearing aloof. And she said, "Well, we are!"

High school shapes us. It begins to define us--either for good or for bad. I'm sure there are people who have strong memories of me--for good or for bad. Some people probably don't even remember me at all. Some people remember me as "the short girl who had a wheely backpack", some more might know me as Michael's older sister and most people probably remember me as "Conor's girlfriend".

But that's not who I am--and I think that's why it's so hard to go back to Brighton. I'm not who I was--and I'm definitely not the person people remember me to be.

It's good to go back and break the barrier--to realize that we all just want to connect, to relive fond memories, and share new experiences. So, here's to a new me--a me who (hopefully) doesn't get a knot in her stomach every time she makes a run to Brighton.

Unexpected Moments

As usual, Joshua started moaning and requesting food around 6am this morning. I decided I was going to make him wait (in my continued futile attempt to teach any sort of schedule) until 6:15am. So, I actually went downstairs, made coffee, turned on the fireplace, put the big white blanket over the coffee table so hopefully Josh forgets the fun drawers and stops slamming his fingers ... and I went upstairs to get my son. I flicked on the light, said good morning and gave him a huge hug. He coughed and sniffled (yet another cold) and I fed him. I must have dozed off, because a while later I woke to find Josh asleep in my lap. Back asleep? What? NICE! I carefully placed him in his crib ... and then the battle began.

Should Mommy go back to bed and catch some much needed shut eye?
OR
Should Mommy curl up in her favorite chair, fuel her body with too much caffeine, and spend some much needed time with God?

Well, thank you Joshua for sleeping a long time--I got to do both! I rested for 15 minutes, and then got to read my Bible, journal my prayers, complete a lesson on Esther for bible study, and read a chapter in And We Are Changed, a book by Priscilla Shirer that I've been working on for, oh, about 6 months. (PS Great book!! Highly recommend it, and will hopefully post a blog/review on it soon. Or someday. Maybe.)

My soul is so refreshed. Since marriage, I've struggled to carve out that time for God everyday. In high school and college, I would almost always read a passage and journal at bedtime. Something about marriage--staying up later to spend time with Erik, having to get up early, sharing a bedroom and bed with someone else--has caused me to allow that standard time to fade. When I worked at the university, I would often sit in my favorite chair in the mornings--after showering, while I drank my coffee--but since working for my Dad, and since having Joshua ... I sleep til the last possible second and then stumble out of bed, hurriedly catch up on any business emails, and start my day chasing my son with a coffee cup glued to my side.

Maybe if Josh consistently woke at a certain time each day I could get myself to wake 30 minutes before him ...
Maybe if I set a purposeful "work/email" schedule, I could discipline myself to ignore email for 20 minutes and soak in the word instead.
Maybe if I could just get ready for bed half an hour earlier and dedicate that time to the Lord ..

Maybe if, maybe when, maybe someday ... Why is it so hard for me to take a minute or two, walk away from email, realize that Facebook is not urgent, stop worrying about the cleaning, and choose to spend some time with the Source of my strength, peace, joy and LIFE?

I know I'm not alone--and I'm trying hard not to judge myself too harshly. But truly, I know I need time with God--why don't I take it?

But for now, I'm grateful for the moments I had this morning. For today, I made a good choice. Tomorrow is a whole new day--and we'll see what transpires.

TED talk: Glad I watched

Three weeks ago, my pastor sent me a link to a TED talk, saying that I might be interested.

Today I finally took the time to watch it.

He had said he was hooked by 8 minutes in.

At two minutes in, I was intrigued enough to keep watching.

At five minutes in, with a chart depicting love over time for offspring, I was hooked.

At nine minutes in, when Alisa shared about her miscarriage, I was bonded.

She speaks for the feeling a failure a woman feels, the fear for conceiving again, and the discovery of the "secret society of women" who had been there. She was speaking my language when she spoke of miscarriage as an "invisible loss" with no community support. If you walked with me through the journey of infertility, you know I've railed against this. I remember being so angry that the death of my child, albiet unborn and only a few weeks past conception, didn't warrant a day off from work. I was to use a "sick" day to grieve the life of my child. I'm sorry--is miscarriage a sickness? And inferitility itself--I wasn't "sick", so there was no need for delivered meals, or offers of help. I was still able, and available, and successful ... but was dying inside, month after month after month. I remember telling a friend how lonely the journey of infertility is. I remember it, and I pray to God never to have to walk that road again. But if I do, I resolve to continue to speak out, speak up and stop the silence surrounding the pain of waiting for a child.

I digress.

I started watching this TED talk this morning, purely because I don't like to say I'll do something and then not do it.

Today, I'm quite grateful for that trait in me that doesn't allow me to ignore another's suggestion.

So thanks, Steve, for sending it. It was refreshing to watch, fun to listen to, and thought provoking to blog about.

Let's talk parenting taboos: Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman | Video on TED.com

Miss

Man, I miss blogging.

Writing.

Creating.

I took it for granted when I had bunches of time--and mental energy--to do so.

And now, well, I think about it almost daily ... but rarely carve out the time.

So for now, I'll just wallow in my missing of blogging ... hopefully someday I'll get back to blogging. My long lost love ...