Needless to say, if you've kept up with my life at all, 2007 was a tumultuous year. Starting off the year with a miscarriage should have been an indicator to me I guess.
I look back over the year and am in awe of how absolutely not myself I was. Who was I? Where did Kristin go??Normally fairly positive, optimistic, energetic and bubbly, I was down, depressed, and basically floated through the year without even realizing that time was passing. It's incredible how a year can pass and one day, suddenly, you're awakened to the truth that you didn't really live it. Sure, I walked, I worked, I traveled, I even did a full year of grad school. But I didn't really live. I was so focused on what I'd lost, what I was still not receiving, and what others had (by accident even) that I still didn't, that I almost forgot to live.
It's hard to look back and think these things...to realize that I was not me. That I, in fact, wasted a year. Yet, how could I have functioned at any higher level? When you are a mother, even if it is just the mother of a barely beating embryo, you are still a mother. And when that little life is taken from you, what else can you do but die a little yourself? I'm amazed that I found the strength to go on.
On that note, I cannot imagine having an abortion. I did have one, but my baby was already dead. The pain, the understanding of what the doctor was doing....how can someone do that when the embryo or fetus is actually alive? With a beating heart? This, I will never understand.
I trust that I will be a mother. I have to--I have no other option. To endure 2 miscarriages and still keep on trying--that requires enormous amounts of trust and hope. Hope--that's a good word. I don't think I've truly ever had to hope before. It's hard.
2007 is blurry to me. I do associate pain, sorrow and longing with it though, amidst the blur. Hopefully, 2008 can be a better year. While we still may not have a successful pregnancy, though of course I'm hoping for one, I think I've broken out of the fog.
Perhaps this year, I can be me again, except for those little parts that died right along with my babies.