Just today on the plane, coming home from a wonderful vacation in Orlando, I did. I've been procrastinating on writing my typical "year in review" for 2008. I'm not sure why, since I love writing and I know I have feelings to hash out.
Anyway, as I dozed, it suddenly occurred to me: Hope has become my theme. Now, many of you might say, "Kristin, you KNEW that! You talk about it all the time!" But today it hit me that I've been actually Looking for Hope. In the past year, I've accumulated standing letters that spell HOPE, a worry rock that says HOPE, a sweatshirt that says HOPE, a tattoo on my left wrist that says HOPE, and shirt from a friend that says HOPE and a picture frame that says HOPE. Yesterday I was at Epcot in "Japan" frantically searching for any Oriental symbols for HOPE. I've been searching after, chasing after, seeking HOPE for all of 2008, and it's bleeding into 2009.
What is so humorous to me, is that HOPE is found in Jesus Christ. I know this. I tell others this. But instead, I spent a whole year Looking for Hope. When truly, I should already have it.
2008 was a better year than 2007, that's for sure. I remembered to live, in spite of my pain. We received answers, we did procedures, we fixed things. I realized that I could pray about my pregnancy desires--and better yet, I discovered the strength to pray for my friends. [And now a bunch are pregnant....go figure :)]
Just recently, right at the end of 2008, I had a friend speak truth to me.
You know, we all have different friends for different reasons. We all need a friend who will be blunt with us. Now, I'm not saying that I want ALL of my friends to be this way--can you imagine? But I believe every woman should have at least one friend like this one. One who will say it how it is, even if you don't want to hear it. Even if you posted a blog stating that you don't want to hear it. This friend reminded me that, as much as I hate to hear it, it's okay that I'm not pregnant. I DO have time, I AM young, and actually, others might envy that. Not that I should seek to be envied, but it's important to remember that we all have our own struggles. Some have kids "too young"; others, like me, wait and wait and wait. Others, well, the timing seems to be perfect, but they've struggled in other areas of life. We all have our own journey. And I need to stop whining about mine.
I walked away that day and said, "Dang it. I hate it when she speaks truth to me. It makes me mad."
So thanks, Friend. You know who you are.
In spite of feeling like I "woke up" at the beginning of 2008, I still spent the year in frantic confusion, deep depression, on a roller coaster of desires, emotions and desperate pleas. Coming into 2009, I really feel clarity. I have some more perspective; a little bit more every day. Am I saying it's not still hard? Not at all. It still hurts my soul when yet another friend wants to suddenly meet for coffee (code in my life for "I'm pregnant and want to tell you face-to-face") And yet, I can Rest. (hence the new tattooed reminder on my right wrist). REST in the HOPE of the Lord. Another friend explained to me that old parents can be cool too. :) I've always wanted to be a young mom, but I'm starting to see that a few more years of life under my belt, a few more world travels with my amazing husband, a few more life lessons learned can only increase my ability to be a mom. Do I hope it comes soon? Of course. Do I still battle desperation and depression? For sure. But for now, I can rest.
I realized that I've been seeking God's BLESSINGS, not Him. I need to focus on Him--seek Him and the HOPE He offers--and leave the life planning and conception to Him.
2009 is going to be a good year. 2007 sucked (let's just be honest...), 2008 we received answers and dealt with some deep emotions...2009 we can rest.
Here's to a New Year!