Something happened this week that I didn't expect, never saw coming and threw me for a loop:
I grieved having a girl.
What the ... ?!
We all know I wanted a boy. I was quite sure a son was what I was supposed to have. Most agreed with me, some hoped for pink instead of blue, but everyone was aware that I was betting on a little Bubba boy.
When the ultrasound technician said, "Boy", I felt first relief, then incredible shock, then more relief, then unsurpassed joy! It was so much fun to look over at Erik through the tears in my eyes and see the proud swelling of his chest as he took in the news. What a wonderful moment!
But then, throughout the rest of the day and a couple days to follow, it started to register. I'd see pink and think, "No, can't buy that." or I'd hold my friend's precious girl and wonder, "Are baby boys this soft too?" I saw my Kirsten doll and her accessories in the nursery and realized, "Wow, ok, I have to put those somewhere else" ...
And then I started to think, uh oh--girl stuff I can deal with. Girl "crap" I know--snobby attitude, body image, mean girls, equally mean boys, bras and lack of bras, fights with friends and uncomfortable stockings. But boys? I can't do boys! I don't know boys! I've never understood boys and can't seem to crack the code!
I shed tears over this!
What if my boy gets in fights? What if my boy is "wimpy" and gets picked on? What if my boy starts the fights? What if my son is a bully? What if my son is tempted with porn? What if my boy gets rejected by a girl? What if my son struggles with homosexuality? (for some reason, this is more of a worry for me with a son than a daughter. Haven't figured that one out yet...) What if my son goes to war? I don't know how to do any of this!
I shed more tears over this, and shared with Erik. He is such a good husband. He just tried not to laugh at my hysteria, took me in his arms and said, "Babe, that's why I'm the Daddy. That's why there are two of us. That's why Bubba has a Mom and a Dad."
Oh yeah ... I knew that!
So, week 19--we found out Bubba's a boy, I freaked just a little, I realized I really do still want a girl, but I also realized, just like I thought, I'm super pumped to have a little boy. I can't wait to have a little guy running all over, getting into everything and making my life crazy! (Cora, you are still allowed to quote me in three years when I'm in hysterics over the state of my house!) Week 19, I feel Bubba kick constantly, he has even evoked little yelps of surprise from me, I'm popping out enough for people to comment that I "finally look pregnant!" and my Mom got to feel Bubba move too! Phew! What a week!
I am having a son. I am going to be, and already am, "Joshua's Mom"--I can't wait to see how this changes my life!