This week has caused a lot of emotions to rise within me. I think a lot of the questions, doubts, fears, whatever you call them, have been simmering beneath the surface of my soul for a while, and I think two things caused them to finally boil: a week away at a conference titled "Sifted", and the approaching reality of Baby L's arrival.
The theme of the conference was "Sifted", based on Luke 22:31-32:
"Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail."
I kept thinking about how relatively easy the move to Madison was for us. And how smoothly we settled into a new life, a new routine. But then I thought, "Has it really been that smooth? Or have I just been 'gettin' it done'?" Moving forward, accomplishing, driving, settling, "succeeding" ... have I really stopped to allow myself the emotion of moving across the country? Or of taking such a huge step of faith? I think at times I had, early on, so I just assumed I was okay by now.
Well here's the thing: I think I'm being or about to be sifted.
My fears of being a mother of two, my anxieties of the "7 year itch" in marriage, my constant voice of discouragement in my head about my job and ambitions (or lack there of) in my field, my insecurities about my ability to support my husband and help lead a church ... these things are all coming to a head, and honestly?
I WANT to be sifted. I WANT to face some (or all) of this junk head on, dig to the root of it, and figure out a way to come out on the other side, not unscathed, but stronger because of my battle. I'm sick of running, hiding, denying, ignoring.
One of the workshop leaders encouraged me to read this psalm, and I'm in love with it. :)
"Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Who have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
For behold, those who are far from you shall perish;
you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works."