Friday, March 20, 2009

This isn't a happy one...

Sometimes I feel guilty that many of my posts are depressing. But then I think, 'hey--the title of the blog is 'Glimpses of Me'. If you don't like what you see, than don't read it!'

This morning has suddenly turned rough.

When you're young and you chatter with your friends about having children, fertility struggles never cross your mind. My friends and I would just list the amount of children we'd want, and doodle their potential names all over our notebooks. Brandon James, Alyssa Katherine, Clara Elizabeth ... Then as we grew older, and starting dating and marrying, we simply thought we'd settle into marriage for about two years, and then start having kids.

Not start trying to have kids. We just assumed it would happen. Fertility problems are for older women--not me.

But you know what? It's just not that easy. Well, actually, it is that easy--for most of my friends. For most of the people I meet. But not for me. Not for us.

"They" don't tell you a lot of things about having children. About trying to have children.

1. You have to actually try. That just doesn't cross your mind when you're 12 and dreaming about having 5 kids.

2. There's only a very small window when it actually works. This is a "best kept secret." Don't tell all the high schoolers.....

3. You might get pregnant, but you can lose it. 1 in 5 are lost. I'm that 1. Two times over.

4. They don't tell you that, over time, you won't know what to say anymore to God. He's not answering, so why even ask?

5. I never knew that something as happy as trying to have kids could actually hurt your marriage.

6. They don't warn you about the emotional highs and lows--the inevitable fact that for 2 weeks out of every month, you will slowly and methodically go crazy.

7. I didn't know there was something called the "Two Week Wait". It's during this two week wait that one's reserves are depleted, strength is obliterated, and all hope fades.

8. When I dreamed with my friends about having kids, it never occurred to me that they all would ... and I wouldn't. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

9. I never pictured myself as "That Woman"--the one who cries when she prints her friends' Target baby registry lists, the one who wanders the baby section with tears in her eyes as she picks out items for others that she wishes she could buy for herself.

10. I didn't know that something as pure as the desire to carry a child and be a mother ... could tear me apart and leave me sobbing on the kitchen floor.

So, I wonder--all these things I didn't know--do I wish I had known them beforehand? Probably not. Why?
Because no amount of reality, no amount of forethought, no amount of bracing could have prepared me for the most gut wrenching struggle of my life. As I drip tears all over the keys of my keyboard, and as my hands shake so much I can hardly type, I truly wonder--it all this worth it?


  1. My heart goes out to you Kristin! I have no clue how you feel or why! But you are a wonderful witness to the actual GIFT of are in my prayers!

  2. It IS tough. I'm so sorry that this was a tough morning. :(

  3. I hope you didn't mind me reading this - I saw your blog address on Erik's profile page and thought I would check it out. It's Emily (Hoyt) Burger --

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am in tears reading your post. I can't put myself in your shoes but please know that I am praying for you Kristin. I just can't imagine the pain.....

  4. So many words to say... and yet... just... thank you. I love you.

  5. Kristin, granted I've only known you for a couple of years, you have shown what true grace, faith, and inspiration are. You're a woman who doesn't deserve this pain, but in spite of it, you are a pillar of strength and beauty and you're an inspiration to me in more ways than one.

  6. Hi Kristin,
    My name is Kara and I have stumbled across your blog as I have experienced something similar. I sent you a message on your facebook page, but with the way facebook is set up, I'm sure sure if it went through. If you have the time, do you think you could email me at ?
    Thank you Kristin.