Thursday, October 8, 2009

So I've Been a Little Quiet Lately ...

Been wondering why?

We're PREGNANT!!!!

On August 29th, I took the test, and we discovered the seemingly impossible had finally occurred--God had answered our prayers and blessed us with a baby. I am 10 weeks, 2 days today!

Of course, I hyperventilated. :)

Being that blogging helps keep me sane, I've been a little INsane not being able to blog. So I kept up on my writing, and recorded my thoughts for each week. I'll post my 6 week musings for you here today.

September 12, 2009

6 weeks. I am 6 weeks (and one day) pregnant. I don’t think it has quite sunk in yet. God answered our prayers. Our prayers that were prayed for a very very long time by a quite large amount of people. He answered. Did I doubt that He would? No. Never. But I did, of course, wonder if perhaps His answer would forever be “wait”, and someday actually be “no”. So to have His answer be “yes” … well, that’s just still shocking for me.

We first found out when I was 4 weeks and one day pregnant. 4 weeks and one day.

That’s hardly pregnant at all! I flipped.

When I saw that positive pregnancy test on August 29th, I literally flipped. I walked to the kitchen, whispered Erik’s name and showed it to him. I remember saying I don’t trust it. I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it. It’s gotta be the drugs. And then, I pretty much hyperventilated. I can’t do this, I can’t do this … that’s all I could say, that’s all I could think. I can’t do this—I can’t deal with a false positive, I can’t wait until Monday to have my blood tested, and if it’s really positive, and I really am pregnant …. I can’t do this. I can’t go through the waiting…again. I can’t reach 8 weeks …. again. I can’t get hopeful….again. I can’t dream of a baby….again.

As crappy as infertility is, and was,
I just didn’t think I could do pregnancy.

Isn’t that funny? It had been two full years, almost to the week, since I had last conceived. I had hoped, and wished, and prayed, and demanded, and screamed for pregnancy. Now I (most likely) had it, and I didn’t think I could do it. The fear was just too much. The unknown was just too much. At least with the unknowns of infertility, a little life wasn’t at stake. My child wasn’t at stake. But with pregnancy… the fear of never being pregnant, of never being blessed with a child of my own…that’s very different than the fear of losing another pregnancy. Or losing an actual child. Or having something be wrong with that child.

I was never naive enough to think that once I conceived, life would be bliss. That pregnancy would feel great, look great on me, and that I would never fear or worry again.

I’m not that stupid, people.

But, now that it’s here—the pregnancy—I’m daily coming to grips with all the new fears to consider. They don’t surprise me by any means—remember, I have been pregnant before, which actually makes my early pregnancy fears all the more compelling as opposed to someone who still has the innocent happy excitement of finding out—but they are something to reckon with.

For the past two weeks (have we only known two weeks?! It seems like so much longer … ) I kept urging myself to write. To jot down what I was thinking and feeling. I’ve been in such a fog. The first few days, I was paralyzed by fear. I laid on the couch and watched Friends (thank God for Friends!) I was so tired, had such horrible heartburn, that I didn’t want to do anything. I blamed my laziness on the fatigue, but when it comes right down to it, I’m terrified. I was paralyzed by fear. I remember at one point, on Labor Day, I think, saying to my mom that I really needed to just get on with my life. I needed to get back to living.

To find out I was pregnant for the first time in two years was almost debilitating.

Time stood still for about a week. I was literally paralyzed. I wasn’t sure how to move forward. Every minute was spent mentally battling between excitement and dread. The hope of “this is really going to happen” and the certain depression of “I’ve lost two…why would this one stick?”
Two days ago, my sister in law asked me how I was doing. I told her that that day had been a good day—I’d gotten up, worked out a little, had lunch with a friend and cleaned a bathroom before the fear caught up to me and landed me on the couch in front of Friends. So, it gets better.

Day by day, I’m learning to move forward.
To be excited! and to HOPE.

To hope and to pray, but to still live my life. I’m pregnant. Sometimes I just say it out loud and giggle. Sometimes I say it to Erik and we smile tentatively together.

Sometimes, sometimes, I think May 4th is going to be a really good day.

More to come!!! Thank you for all your prayers and support!!!!


  1. I was wondering what happened since the "TWW" post! That is amazing! I will be praying for you and your new little one!! That is so awesome Kristin!! You just take all the joy in!!

  2. OH Kristin, praise the Lord! I will be praying for you and Erik and the baby in your belly. Seriously, I am sitting here, just thanking the Lord over and over for you two. Did you know I'm preggo too? 16 1/2 weeks. I am praying for you Kristin! Enjoy it. Don't be fearful...keep walking in faith, like you've been walking in faith each day. Grace

  3. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Kristin! I am so excited for you and Erik. Its understandable to be fearful with everything that you have been through but know that God is walking with you through all of this. Praying for you both as you continue in the journey. Blessings, Diana
    PS. May is a good month to be born. Don't have to be hugely pregnant during the summertime.

  4. Hi Kristin, I wrote in response to your "TWW" post and have also wondered what has happened since that time! God laid on my heart to humble myself before Him and to pray for you after that post (in late August or so), and here we are. I had a good feeling about it your post and about my prayers, but waited for you to write more.

    SO many people are INCREDIBLY happy for you, myself included.

    YAY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Yay, yay, yay and HALLELUJAH!!!
    I loved, loved, loved reading this post. . .I know the fear has been paralyzing and it takes incredible courage to put one foot in front of the other. . .but YOU CAN DO IT!!! I love you and CANNOT WAIT to meet my new niece or nephew!!!! love you!!

  6. Wouldn't it be SO fun for this Grammie to share her birthday with this newest grandchild yet to be born??? I think so!!! I am so excited and will continue to pray every single day for life and breath for tiny Baby be perfectly formed in your womb, Kristin! Rejoicing with you both and hoping and praying with you! Love, Grammie :)

  7. Love the picture! Where did he find that shirt? It's awesome! I also wanted to ask you, how do you do a preg test when you're doing HCG shots?? Wouldn't it always come up +? Fill me in on the science!

  8. Kristin, everytime I read your blog I prayed that God would bless you with a child and the answer is finally yes to all of our prayers! I am soooooo excited for you guys!!!! :) I can't wait to hear more about your little baby and your pregnancy!