I didn't expect to care so much!
I was not prepared at all for my intense desire for a son. Especially after our journey with infertility, I was pretty certain I'd have the mentality of "Either/Or! As long as we get (just) one!"
But my oh my I want a boy!
I like to think that my completely and totally unfounded certainty that has no basis in anything and can't be supported by any logic indicates that perhaps I'm experiencing a "gut feeling" and I really do have a little boy tumbling around inside of me.
But, I also know me. I know I like to be different. Not necessarily follow the trend. And the trend has been ... female babies. I'm loving all the pink my friends get to cuddle with, but I'm ready for some blue!
But most times, I'm just quite concerned that in 3 weeks I'm going to feel very guilty as I'm shedding tears after hearing I'm having a girl.
And, it has come to my attention that I am actually afraid I'm going to feel embarrassed. Embarrassed? Yeah--embarrassed.
If you've spoken with me at all about this pregnancy, you know that we are hoping for a boy. I keep picturing myself sharing the news of a "Bubba-ette" to my friends, and feeling embarrassed. Like, "Oh yeah, hey, um, we're actually having a girl....mumble mumble mumble *awkward silence*...."
Does this make any sense? NO! But do any emotions in pregnancy make sense? Not really!
Should I feel guilt? No. Should I feel embarrassment? No. Should I be worried about this? No. Because anytime I see that little "it" cartwheeling around in my tummy, I am filled with joy. Anytime I think I feel some flutters (I haven't, BTW. All gas, round ligament and hunger pains so far) I am ecstatic and gender doesn't matter. Anytime I shop for baby stuff, I'm just excited that it's so little and soft--no matter whether it's blue or pink.
But on that day, I will be very interested to see how I respond. And whether this strange certainty and ridiculously intense, unexpected desire for a son really is stemming from a gut feeling -- or if it's just me, bucking the trend!
Ha! This post made me smile. Because I was RIGHT there along with you! In fact, I KNEW I was having a boy (Bella is the 5th granddaughter in our family - no boys). We decided not to find out the sex, b/c I was so sure I was having a boy....
ReplyDeleteBut then, after having so many ultrasounds for her cleft lip/palate, an ultrasound tech announced one day that OUR DAUGHTER ..... WHAT?!?!?!?!? And yes, there and then on the table, I started bawling. Out of great disappointment. And continued bawling. Out of extreme embarrassment and guilt. My husband didn't know what to do with me!
But, lo & behold, I lvoe my daughter with all of me, couldn't imagine it otherwise, and now can truly say it doesn't matter if I have 10 girls... each person is so unique and precious.
Ahhhh... but I know the feeling. :-)
I was excited about either a boy or a girl, but I was so sure I was going to have a boy, too. We chose not to find out. It was so exciting during labor...and then I was so shocked to find out that she was a girl! But even though my mind had to adjust to the thought of a daughter instead of a son, it was amazing and so thrilling, and it is God's perfect plan that we have a daughter right now. It will be like that for you too if you have a girl! You'll absolutely be head over heels for her. And I know you already know this. But maybe you really do have a son!
ReplyDeleteI remember the excitement of finding out if we were having a boy or girl! I had to go to that appointment by myself, so the ultrasound technician gave me a picture of the boy parts, sealed it in an envelope and made me promise I wouldn't open it until Ethan got home so we could find out together. :) It was one of the most exciting moments!!!
ReplyDeleteFun to read in a blog what you expressed to me last night! There really is NOTHING like holding your first-born baby in your arms... Baby looking up into your eyes in those first moments... and believe me, at that moment, girl, boy, pink, blue... it just won't matter. And don't feel embarrassed to tell all of us! We are just SO STINKIN'EXCITED you and Erik are having a BABY!!!!!!!!! (Can't WAIT to find out what little bubba is!!)
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