I didn't expect to care so much!
I was not prepared at all for my intense desire for a son. Especially after our journey with infertility, I was pretty certain I'd have the mentality of "Either/Or! As long as we get (just) one!"
But my oh my I want a boy!
I like to think that my completely and totally unfounded certainty that has no basis in anything and can't be supported by any logic indicates that perhaps I'm experiencing a "gut feeling" and I really do have a little boy tumbling around inside of me.
But, I also know me. I know I like to be different. Not necessarily follow the trend. And the trend has been ... female babies. I'm loving all the pink my friends get to cuddle with, but I'm ready for some blue!
But most times, I'm just quite concerned that in 3 weeks I'm going to feel very guilty as I'm shedding tears after hearing I'm having a girl.
And, it has come to my attention that I am actually afraid I'm going to feel embarrassed. Embarrassed? Yeah--embarrassed.
If you've spoken with me at all about this pregnancy, you know that we are hoping for a boy. I keep picturing myself sharing the news of a "Bubba-ette" to my friends, and feeling embarrassed. Like, "Oh yeah, hey, um, we're actually having a girl....mumble mumble mumble *awkward silence*...."
Does this make any sense? NO! But do any emotions in pregnancy make sense? Not really!
Should I feel guilt? No. Should I feel embarrassment? No. Should I be worried about this? No. Because anytime I see that little "it" cartwheeling around in my tummy, I am filled with joy. Anytime I think I feel some flutters (I haven't, BTW. All gas, round ligament and hunger pains so far) I am ecstatic and gender doesn't matter. Anytime I shop for baby stuff, I'm just excited that it's so little and soft--no matter whether it's blue or pink.
But on that day, I will be very interested to see how I respond. And whether this strange certainty and ridiculously intense, unexpected desire for a son really is stemming from a gut feeling -- or if it's just me, bucking the trend!