I know I know ... all you mothers out there are smiling that knowing smile as you read this. You're thinking, "Yep! That's motherhood Kristin--you asked for it!" "Yep! That's motherhood Kristin--we tried to tell you!" "Yep! That's motherhood Kristin--enjoy!"
Well, here's something I wasn't told. And I said it to my sister the other night.
Sometimes, I just want him to go away.
My beautiful boy, my miracle from God, my precious son ... sometimes I just want him to go away.
Not disappear, not cease to exist, not leave never to return ... just go away. For more than a 45 minute nap.
And honestly, I'm to the point now where I don't feel guilty about this feeling. It's not "wrong"; it's not "evil". It's not post-partum or evidence of lack of love.
It just is.
Just like my feelings during infertility were--it just is. Not good, or bad--just true. I love my son, and I really do enjoy him. But many days, those moments of enjoyment are so few and far between, and I feel so run down, and so not myself and so overwhelmed and so alone and so ... dead inside. Not dead like I don't have Christ or I'm not breathing, but dead in the sense of exhaustion. When I do have a moment to sit, I just zone. I space out; I leave my body. Sometimes, I just need a break.