I know I know ... all you mothers out there are smiling that knowing smile as you read this. You're thinking, "Yep! That's motherhood Kristin--you asked for it!" "Yep! That's motherhood Kristin--we tried to tell you!" "Yep! That's motherhood Kristin--enjoy!"
Well, here's something I wasn't told. And I said it to my sister the other night.
Sometimes, I just want him to go away.
My beautiful boy, my miracle from God, my precious son ... sometimes I just want him to go away.
Not disappear, not cease to exist, not leave never to return ... just go away. For more than a 45 minute nap.
And honestly, I'm to the point now where I don't feel guilty about this feeling. It's not "wrong"; it's not "evil". It's not post-partum or evidence of lack of love.
It just is.
Just like my feelings during infertility were--it just is. Not good, or bad--just true. I love my son, and I really do enjoy him. But many days, those moments of enjoyment are so few and far between, and I feel so run down, and so not myself and so overwhelmed and so alone and so ... dead inside. Not dead like I don't have Christ or I'm not breathing, but dead in the sense of exhaustion. When I do have a moment to sit, I just zone. I space out; I leave my body. Sometimes, I just need a break.
Totally understand - as do, I think, most mothers and fathers. Bella was also a tough little cookie, and honestly, her first 6 months were the hardest of my life. Really, once 9 months came, I remember thinking, "Okay, I'm starting to enjoy this...". It just takes time - as I know you know - to become a new normal. Which is what I'm freaked out about #2 coming soon. Thanks for reminding me that it's worth it - b/c right now, I'm more scared than excited... :-)
ReplyDeletethat feeling intesified more for me the older they got! The ages my boys are now--especially when they conspire together, drive me crazy! I so look forward to nap time, preschool time, bedtime--any little break I get so I have a chance to recharge my batteries! It is tough work being a mommy--but most definitely worth it!
ReplyDeleteYeah... I feel SO lucky to have a husband that works at home so I can get some much needed breaks every once in a while...or just a second hand to help! It's hard work being a mom! I was just thinking the other day that I would LOVE to get together with you before I go back to work (Aug 4) to have a play date and catch up! Love you friend. Keep persevering and lovin' on your little one! My friend had a "good reminder" blog post one day:
ReplyDeletehttp://faithandtravis.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-first-lesson-in-fatherhood.html