I've lost myself. That's what this week has taught me.
You'd think with all the wishing hoping and praying for motherhood, I would be thrilled to allow it to fill every nook and cranny of my existence.
Apparently I'm not.
It's HARD feeling left out. It's HARD feeling not needed. It's HARD feeling replaced. It's HARD feeling turmoil inside me. It's HARD feeling apathy--toward my own child. It's HARD. It's just plain hard.
I know the Spirit is working. I feel Him moving, prompting, pushing, challenging ... but I'm just not sure what to do about it. I'm in the thick of it, and can't even find the words to express what's going on.
I love my son--I do I do I do. With all my heart. His smile has the power to melt my soul; his cry pierces my being to the deepest level. His pudgy little body fills me with warmth and his bright blue eyes stop me dead in my tracks.
Then why do I have such desire to be away from him? Why, after spending all Wednesday apart from him, was I literally annoyed to have him in my arms? I expected to miss him ... I didn't. I expected to weep upon my return ... I did, but not because I was rejoicing at our reunion. I wept because I wanted more time away.
I'm not sure I'm ready to be a mom. I'm not ready to give up so much of my former life, of my former "me". Who am I now? Am I still mentor to Sam, Steph, Jess, Jess, Casey and Bethany? Am I still friend to Brittany, Kelly, Katelin and Robbin? Am I still sister to Molly, Michael, Tara? Am I still wife to Erik? Partner in ministry?
Or am I now simply "Joshua's Mom"? Honorable, worthy and exciting for sure--but is that all I am now?
Of course, I know I'm Daughter of the King, Child of God, Cherished by the Lord. I can know all of that intellectually ... but in the daily grind of life, it's HARD to remember. It's HARD to tangibly understand that my identity is not about what I DO, or WHO I am, but about WHOSE I am. I've read some books, done the studies and heard the preaching--I know my identity is in Christ.
Kristen, I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I remember being pretty depressed and felt just plain weird about a lot of things after I had Kaeden. I had the worst time adjusting to everything, finding my place as a mother, etc. It is TOUGH! The two things I am going to tell you are a) I'm going to pray for you that these feelings subside, and b) I'm pretty confident you will feel so much better about all of this in due time. I think it just takes time for hormones to go back to normal, to feel your place, to stop "missing your old life" etc. etc. etc. Really, it just takes time. He's only three months old - give yourself a break. Seriously, just try and ride through it and be confident that there are lots of moms who feel just like you do now, or have felt that way before, and have turned around and feel so much better (and like themsleves again!). Hang in there!! Please email if you want to "talk". :)
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, so sorry i spelled your name wrong!! duh!!!
ReplyDeleteUgh. I have struggled with these EXACT feelings! Still do... but not as much. I always look with envy to those mom's who have always wanted to be mom's and feel completely satisfied... b/c I struggle. Thanks for putting this into words...
ReplyDeleteAhhh, Kristin!!!! First of all - YES you are still my dear and cherished friend with baby, without baby - it is all the same to me. You are not lost, you are in the process of re-birth and that tunnel is dark,,,but you will emerge more beautiful, more wonderful and more of yourself than you can even know. It just takes TIME and PATIENCE....my two least favorite words right now. LOVE YOU!!!!!
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ReplyDeleteIt gets easier and they become more joyous to be around! I totally know how you feel! I hope you got a good night's sleep out of town! (And I'm sure loved every second of it!) I think it will be a blessing for you that you have to travel - some required time away to get you a little back on track for home! I think the thing to remember is that being a mom is one of the most important things you can ever do - even though it feels worthless, unforgiving, thankless, and lonely at times! I've been "in it" for 2 years and I still have to remind myself that I'm doing an incredible important thing! And then, I enjoy it more the more I realize it too. Ok, you really should go to the Premeditated Parenting site and find where you can buy the Motherhood CD's. I'm not kidding that they are incredible and encouraging. And she's super down to earth and sweet! I think it's only $12. But the first one I think is mostly about that topic of being a mommy. Love it! Love you!
ReplyDelete(That was Jenn :)
ReplyDeleteKristin... First of all, How do I know about you? I am new to the Dave Ramsey show on the radio... I heard about your dad's QBQ book and I bought it... I loved it!... so I went to the website and watched the sample video, I googled your name to find out about your background as a speaker (or perhaps to see if you had written a book)... and I found your blog. I read your post and understood exactly what you say. My wife has felt the same about our two children, but now they are 8 and 5... Just breathe. Tell God what is going on, and know that He gives us power through our weaknesses. I WILL pray for you, your husband and the beautiful baby God gave you... but I know you will smile... Give it time :)
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