I've lost myself. That's what this week has taught me.
You'd think with all the wishing hoping and praying for motherhood, I would be thrilled to allow it to fill every nook and cranny of my existence.
Apparently I'm not.
It's HARD feeling left out. It's HARD feeling not needed. It's HARD feeling replaced. It's HARD feeling turmoil inside me. It's HARD feeling apathy--toward my own child. It's HARD. It's just plain hard.
I know the Spirit is working. I feel Him moving, prompting, pushing, challenging ... but I'm just not sure what to do about it. I'm in the thick of it, and can't even find the words to express what's going on.
I love my son--I do I do I do. With all my heart. His smile has the power to melt my soul; his cry pierces my being to the deepest level. His pudgy little body fills me with warmth and his bright blue eyes stop me dead in my tracks.
Then why do I have such desire to be away from him? Why, after spending all Wednesday apart from him, was I literally annoyed to have him in my arms? I expected to miss him ... I didn't. I expected to weep upon my return ... I did, but not because I was rejoicing at our reunion. I wept because I wanted more time away.
I'm not sure I'm ready to be a mom. I'm not ready to give up so much of my former life, of my former "me". Who am I now? Am I still mentor to Sam, Steph, Jess, Jess, Casey and Bethany? Am I still friend to Brittany, Kelly, Katelin and Robbin? Am I still sister to Molly, Michael, Tara? Am I still wife to Erik? Partner in ministry?
Or am I now simply "Joshua's Mom"? Honorable, worthy and exciting for sure--but is that all I am now?
Of course, I know I'm Daughter of the King, Child of God, Cherished by the Lord. I can know all of that intellectually ... but in the daily grind of life, it's HARD to remember. It's HARD to tangibly understand that my identity is not about what I DO, or WHO I am, but about WHOSE I am. I've read some books, done the studies and heard the preaching--I know my identity is in Christ.
Then why does it feel like I've lost myself?