Week 9: Giggling Still...but Very Very Nervously

written 10/4/2009

9 weeks, 5 days

I still giggle to myself unexpectedly, but not as often lately. This week, since we haven’t had any ultrasounds since 9/25, I’ve been battling fear. Not too hard core, but still … battling. It’s so hard for me to trust that little Bubba is alive in there. First of all, my symptoms are next to none. In fact, some have already come and gone. Second of all, I’ve miscarried before.

People are always like,

“Well are you cramping?”

No.

“Are you spotting?”

No.

“Are your progesterone readings good?”

Yes.

“Well then you’re fine!”

How-do-you-know?

I thought I was fine for 10 whole weeks with our first pregnancy, and I wasn’t. Well, I was, but my baby wasn’t.

To me, the absence of cramps and spotting is
nothing to jump for joy over.

I’ve had the absence of cramps and spotting before … and it did not mean that my baby had a heartbeat. It did not mean that my baby was growing and developing. It did not mean that I would give birth 7 months later. No, instead it just meant that my body hadn’t yet chosen to inform me of my failed pregnancy.

Of course, I’m being monitored closely with this pregnancy. I’m on all sorts of preventative measures with this pregnancy. I have had the reassurance and joy of seeing my Bubba’s heartbeat—twice. But a week and two days after seeing that little life inside me, I’m still scared that it has or will soon fade away.

It’s so hard to trust. But I’m trying!